thoughtformed | Chapter fifteen [Text]

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Chapter fifteen [Text]

I wanted to say... thanks to everybody who took the time to rescue me and talk that other me down. I feel like I should apologize, too, even though I know it wasn't actually me saying and doing those things. I'd be happy to discuss what was going on, just not in a public place like this.

Private to Kate Beckett

... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. And if you never want to speak to me again, I wouldn't blame you.

[[OOC note: I know his rescue log is still ongoing, but I wanted to give the rescue party more time to get tagged in before I start replying- I haven't forgotten about it!]]

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[She is clearly completely confused.]

What are you talking about?

[Oh, she turned the video on. Castle can't meet her eyes.]

I think you know what I am. The part where I showed everyone what an ass I truly am.

[Nope. Not playing this game. Nope nope nope.]

You're telling me about being an ass? Because last I checked, I was the one out there doing something stupid and nearly getting killed. You think I went out there... To get you... In the middle of sniper fire, Castle. What, so I bring you back and never speak to you again?

Well, no, I...

[He sighs. This is why he tried using text, so he could think about what to say without making it even more awkward.]

This all happened because of me, Kate. Because of me. That was me sitting on top of the freezer with a sniper rifle. It was the parts of me I don't like to acknowledge, but it was still me. I hurt you. I hurt you.

[What he's saying is hitting her so hard she can't even stop the tears from welling up in her eyes. Four years, and he's been the only thing keeping her together. And sure, maybe she's stupid enough to keep pushing him away, but that's because she wants him to push back.

If she gives up, it's okay, because he's always there, pushing. But if he gives up too... Then they've lost everything. And she's not sure she can deal with that, not now.]

Hurt me? Castle, you saved me. If it hadn't been for you, I would have never caught the guy that killed my mom. And I know... [She kept fighting her tears, but it was turning into a losing battle.] I know I'm not exactly the easiest person to get through to. After my mom died I was so afraid of hurting like that again and I thought maybe, maybe if I pushed everyone out... But seeing you go through that... [Why couldn't she just tell him? The words were inside of her, but she just couldn't seem to get them out.] If anyone should be apologizing, Castle, it's me.

[Castle can feel his own eyes starting to well up. It was his fault that all of this had happened in the first place, but there she was, taking the blame. Trying to carry the world on her shoulders, and he never wanted her to.]

I was the one that opened that box back up to begin with. Remember? If I hadn't done that one thing... none of this would have had to happen. Maybe it's useless to blame myself for things spiraling out of control like they did, but they did, and there's no getting around that it all started with a choice I made.

[He wants to do something to comfort her so badly, wanting to just reach through the screen to her somehow, while still feeling like he doesn't deserve it.]

Please... don't... please don't cry.

[And she wants him to, God, she just wants to touch him and let him hold her and pretend like she didn't spend the last few years of their life acting like she wanted just the opposite. And he's there, he's right there and somehow he still feels a million miles away.]

Yeah, well, crying is something that happens, Castle.

[She not angry, not really, and not at him. She's frustrated with herself, for letting it get to this point, and wondering how long he'd been subconsciously torturing himself over something that wasn't even his fault to begin with.]

Thing is, you don't get to decide that. My mom dying wasn't your fault, and that box would have been opened whether or not you had come back. And maybe it's selfish but I'm glad I didn't have to go through it alone. When I was shot... When I was dying in that cemetery you know what I thought, Castle? I thought it was nice, it was really nice that I didn't have to die, bleeding, alone like my mom did. And I don't care how bad you feel, you don't get to apologize for that.

Edited 2012-10-03 04:18 (UTC)

[Finally Castle is forced to wipe his own eyes. He still feels like he doesn't deserve her forgiveness or her self-blame, but he knew Kate and knew that she felt the way she did for a reason... and that perhaps, he could even believe it wasn't his fault, too, given enough time.]

No. You don't have to for that part, because I never want you to be alone. Ever. And you're never going to be, no matter how much I hate myself right now.

[He stares helplessly at her, not sure of what else he could say.]

Look. I don't feel like I deserve your forgiveness, but if you're willing to give it... [He pauses, swallows.] I'm still sorry. I always will be. But I don't want to be alone, either. I don't want to ever lose you. I've come too close to it before.

[She at a loss for words now. She had all the things to say, all the things to scream and yell and cry at him and then he had to go and... Be honest and open and make her realize for the first time in a long time, she was doing the same.

After she'd almost died, she'd done everything she could to push him away. So wasn't sure why - maybe because she thought it would keep him safe, or maybe because she thought it would keep her safe. And then when she'd come to the island she tried to keep him at arms length, thinking it had been too long for him, thinking things had changed... Thinking he couldn't possibly feel the same way about her as he claimed he did when she was laying in the cemetery.]

When my mom died, everything in my life became about that. It's why I became a cop. I let it define everything about me and... I don't want it to anymore.

[She took a deep, shuttering breath. She'd spent so long keeping him shut out so she wouldn't be hurt when he left her. She thought she could preemptively steel herself from that loss if she shut him out. But it hadn't worked that way. He'd found his way in, somehow, and maybe it was due time she let him have that victory. Because, for the first time, the idea never having him to begin with hurt more than the fear of losing him once it was over.]

I... I need you to come over. So we can talk, face to face. I'm ready to talk, Castle.

Edited 2012-10-03 15:53 (UTC)

[Castle was silent for a long while, trying to make up his mind over whether or not he could temporarily forgive himself long enough to see her.

Because he was afraid that she would just push him away, tell him to get lost, that she never wanted to see him again- it had happened before- and he was so sure that this was going to be the same, that the Shadow incident had touched a nerve so deeply that she wouldn't- couldn't face him again. That she would rescue him, then let him know that it was over, that this was too much, that she needed to let go and she couldn't do that with him around.

Now she wanted to talk. It could end well, but then again, it could end badly, too- but it was an inevitability, as if he tried to avoid her more, he knew damn good and well that she would push back and pull him out into the open.

Hiding wasn't his style, anyway.]

Okay. Okay, I'm on my way over.

[Kate let out a sigh of relief. Part of her had worried he wouldn't agree to it, and that would mean she'd have to go to his place, and the last thing she wanted to do was have this conversation anywhere around Eridan. They hadn't exactly got off on the right foot, what with Castle in a situation that Kate was sure she had inadvertently caused. And the last thing she wanted was the vexing little troll spewing commentary while she tried to do what was possibly going to be the hardest thing she had ever had to do in her life, besides watching them put her mother in the ground.

Because she had already decided she was going to tell him everything. Absolutely everything about how she felt about him, how she needed him, and his forgiveness. She couldn't deal with the widening gap between them; and now, more than ever, she knew if she gave up now she was going to lose him. He'd practically already given up himself, and it was due time she didn't need Lanie or her dad to tell her she was stupid if she honestly didn't recognize the way Castle looked at her.

He'd spent all those years being strong for her when she couldn't do it anymore. And for the first time, confronting his Shadow, she had been forced to be strong for him. And that was something she knew she wasn't going to be able to turn off.]

I'm waiting. [She stared at him for a moment. Then, hesitantly, she reached out and switched off the feed.]

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Chapter fifteen [Text]

private video;

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