thoughtformed | [Closed Log]

Entry tags:

[Closed Log]

Who: Sheska and Itsuki Koizumi
What: Stuff and things - relationship things
Where: Sheska's apartment
When: July 3rd? The 5th? Somewhere in there.
Warnings: possible angst, definite mushy stuff

Except for the incident with the firecrackers, it has been a fairly quiet day, and a productive one for once. The apartment have gotten cleaned - something that it had sorely needed, many of the loose texts have been re-shelved, her Dave stash has been refilled... She even has some meals ready for the days when she couldn't bring herself to cook.

The evening is reserved for getting more work done on her latest literary reconstruction project, but for now, she's settling into her sofa with a new book on medical anatomy and physical therapy. She certainly isn't expecting company.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Koizumi smile is quiet as he lets himself be ushered into the living room, sitting on the far end of the couch, so there's room for Sheska next to him. "Thank you, Sheska, that's nice to hear." His eyes follow the book out of the room, but he doesn't comment on it.

Then she asks why he's here, and he takes a deep breath, smile faded. He keeps his expression open and readable, meaning he also looks singularly vulnerable. Here it goes. "Actually, there is something in particular. I was hoping we could talk about... us."

Alarm swirls beneath her breastbone, rising steadily as she realizes just how transparent he's made himself. The only times he's ever been so clear have been when he was so depressed that he couldn't seem to remember - or to care - how to erect his customary barriers. She searches his face for signs that this might be a cry for help, that maybe she should call the ambulance now, and she's so caught up in her fear that she only half hears what he's saying. She is actually opening her mouth to say something about it when the rest of the content catches up with her and she rocks back a little.

For a moment, she gapes, then she snaps her mouth shut, blinking owlishly at him through her glasses. "I... I-I'm sorry, you want to..." The pressure in her chest pauses, the deadly calm before the storm. "...I beg your pardon?" she asks faintly. Her fingers absently knot themselves into the hem of her shirt.

Seeing her alarm, her careful study of him in search of warning signs, he catches her hand a squeezes it gently. "I'm all right, Sheska, really. I promised, remember?"

Then his words sink in, and he can all but see her retreating from the very thought - and in an instant, he can see what his words and actions have done to her, this past year. He can see very clearly how Sheska finds herself unfit for a relationship, how she's positive she'll always screw it up and it will only make things worse. Asking her out, then saying he couldn't date her. That awful night when he turned her, and the casually possessive way he'd acted as a vampire. The near-kiss under the mistletoe. The dreams they'd shared, months later. What had happened that night at the club, and how she might have perceived the morning after - that was probably the worst offense. And most recently, his feelings toward Lin, and how he'd reacted when she left. There was more, of course, so much more. Looking back, he can see each step clearly, every one a blow to her image and her self-worth. He's been hurting her all this time, when all he's wanted is to do the right thing.

It's hard to understand how he never saw this before - this slow progression. Well, maybe he can't make up for what he's done, but the path ends here. His voice is gentle and compassionate, now. "I'd like to talk about us, Sheska. Is that all right?"

An almost imperceptible quiver runs through her. Shock. Dismay. Confusion.

Foreboding.

Something is happening here, but she's not sure what, and she's even less certain that she can weather it. It's hard not to think of him with his burns and bandages and troubles hidden away, explaining that Chief Beifong needs him. It's hard not to wonder if he'll flee this time, too. And what he might do.

Yet she trusts him. Even now, even after all he's been through, after all the changes, she trusts him.

She swallows and carefully wets her lips, nodding. Her knuckles whiten with strain as she tightens her grip. Storm clouds lower over her heart awaiting a chance to drown her. "Of... of course. You know I'll listen. To whatever you have to say." Even if it kills her.

Koizumi takes a deep breath. This is a step he should have taken a long time ago. Yet, now, when he finally comes to it, he finds he's terrified to go through with it. Then he looks at Sheska, really sees her - the confusion and shock and fear - and all of his doubts go away - they don't vanish; they simply cease to matter.

They're ready for this. They need it, both of them.

"Sheska, do you... do you like me? I mean... as more than just a friend."

She blinks, bemused and trying not to show that she's a little hurt, with mixed success. breathing is difficult through a constricted throat, but she manages somehow, ignoring the way that her stomach feels like lead. "Yes." It comes out only a little better than a whisper, and she nods, trying again. "Yes, I do. Once you told me... That hasn't gone away."

She could almost be grateful for the numb fog she's been fighting with. It keeps the memories and the hurt of it at bay. At least for now. It's unpredictable, but for the moment it's just a dull ache. She isn't sure exactly why it's relevant... Except that sometimes, when you're depressed, it can be so hard to believe that you matter. To anyone.

"Is that what you needed to hear?" she asks gently. "I'll always care for you, Itsuki. You became more than a friend to me a long time ago. That isn't going to change anytime soon, I promise." The words are more tired, more lack-luster, than she'd wanted, and she belatedly tries to give him a reassuring smile. "I won't leave you." Maybe the reiteration of her pledge will help too.

Koizumi closes his eyes a moment, letting out a shaky breath. Joy and relief are clear in his face. He'd hoped she still felt that way. There were signs. But he knows that he's still not at his best, that he could easily be misinterpreting things - and after that moment when she had pulled back from him weeks ago, even if he understands it was the right choice intellectually, it still had been hard to let himself believe.

Then he opens his eyes again and looks over at her, meeting her gaze with a calm and comforting smile of his own. "I did need to hear that, Sheska, yes. Thank you. That's... not the only reason I came, though."

He takes another breath, trying to stay calm. This is hard to say. It's hard to admit and it's scary to confront. "I still like you too. And... I understand why we haven't been together until now. Every time I turned you down, or you did the same to me... we were only trying to do the right thing. Even though all along we were just hurting each other.

But I think now... I think that can change."

None of this is making any sense. She had clearly told him what he wanted to hear, which, really, is a triumph of a sort, given that she usually gets everything wrong, but... But he loves Chief Beifong. That... that was pretty clear. So she'd let her feelings rest, one of so many relationships that she had ruined. He loves Beifong. Not her.

So what change could he mean?

Even her apprehension feels a little distant, thunder rumbling low across the water. Does he have a plan to... to try and find the Released? Or break through the barrier? Or maybe to allow them both to move up the queue to be Released?

The silence stretches, and she watches, puzzled, as he works himself up to explain. Stirring, she nearly reaches out to put a hand on his wrist, but thinks better of it. Don't distract him; let him get it out.

He spends a couple moments calming himself, steeling himself to ask her despite his fears. It not easy - depression isn't rational - but after a time, he feels as ready as he'll ever be.

Consumed as he is in getting past his own barriers and insecurities, it's possible he doesn't notice hers as well as he should.

"Sheska... we've been down this road again and again, and every time something happened to make one of us back down. But now the obstacles are gone. We're both in our right minds, and there's nobody left between us. So I hope... I hope this time can be different."

He looks up at her, meeting her eyes - trying to be strong, trying not to let his fears and uncertainties shine through. Instead, he thinks of her - his feelings for her, and how they've been a beacon for him, finding his way back to shore. He gives her a small, tremulous smile, and repeats the question he asked her so very long ago. This time, perhaps, she will have an answer.

"Sheska... may I court you?"

Sheska draws in a sharp breath... and finds she has no words. An echoing silence rings in her ears.

A very faint thought flits by, remarking that it's a good thing she hadn't reached out to hold his hand or she'd probably be crushing it right now.

A wavering has taken up residence at the edges of her vision and only when she blinks does she distantly recognize that it isn't the air, but tears. They have yet to fall, but there they hover.

"What?" The word is so breathless and ragged that it takes her a second to realize that it came from her own lips. "I-I'm sorry, I... But Chief Beifong... A-and Aqua... I don't..." It's one shock after another tonight, and this final blow has her reeling, gone white and a little faint. What is going on?

His eyes widen as he takes in her reaction. What - what did he say wrong? She almost looks like she's going to faint! And what do Lin and Aqua have to do with anything?

He leans forward to steady her, his other hand falling to rest on top of hers, trying to offer comfort and support - something to hold on to. His voice is worried and contrite.

"I'm sorry! Did I say something that..." The realization hits him like a brick wall. She thinks that loving others means I don't love her.

...Oh. He's not quite sure how to approach that. "Sheska, I..." His voice grows softer and more uncertain, though it remains incredibly sincere. "...I did have feelings for both Lin and Aqua, it's true. But that doesn't mean I ever liked you any less. I realized I liked you last summer, and that's never changed."

His voice grows a little more confident. "I'd like to be with you. I'd like to be there for you when you need someone, to have you there for me when I need the same. We've always been there to support each other, I just... I want you here. I want you closer."

She doesn't understand. He's speaking English - she knows he's speaking English. She's very good at English. If there's one thing she's good at, it's understanding English - but it hardly seems to make sense. Or he doesn't realize what he's saying...

His touch is a help, though, keeping her here, staving off the darkness, drawing her focus. Something painfully bright and hot is twisting and flaring in her stomach, too. Something she knows, but can't quite put her finger on.

I want you here. I want you closer.

His words resonate so strongly that she shivers and something in her cracks. Tears begin to trail down her cheek, and she makes an indistinct sound, helpless to stop them. It's everything she wants, everything she needs, and yet... Everything she touches dies. The library. Brigadier Hughes. The station. The Avengers - twice. Kate. Kaylee. Anita. Chief Shepard. The Striders. The Once-ler. Timothy Drake. Julie. Chief Beifong. Sirius.

Itsuki.

For a moment she closes her eyes and breathes, trying to fight back the fear and despair, to compose herself and try to find the words. "Itsuki, I... I don't want to hurt you!" She opens her eyes to focus on his face, unable to keep her emotions shuttered and out of her voice, but it's too late now. She's started and now she can't seem to stop. "I'm not... I've never been any good at relationships. I hurt everyone... I've hurt you! I don't... I don't want to do that again... You deserve better. You deserve more! Someone who can make you happy, who can focus on you, who isn't..." Her eyes drop to her lap, the passion in her voice faltering and going quiet. "Who isn't broken."

His expression turns heartsore as he listens to her reasoning - the problem is, he understands her thinking, all too intimately. That kind of thinking is subtle and insidious, and over time it can become self-fulfilling. He knows the frustration, the terror... and the loneliness.

He gives her a sad little smile, reaching up to ever-so-gently cup her cheek, softly stroking her cheekbone with his thumb and looking deeply into her eyes. "Sheska..."

There is so much to say. He could say how she blames herself too much - how bad things happen to people around her, but she is rarely the cause. He could point out that she's all he has left, and that if she thinks he shouldn't want to date her, nobody in their right minds would want to date him. He could tell her that he's not good with relationships either, and that they'll figure this out together. He could inform her that nobody could possibly deserve more or better than her, him least of all.

None of it seems to suffice. He shakes his head quietly, then leans in to press a sweet, tender, lingering kiss against her lips, in the hopes that it can speak louder than words. "The risk of getting hurt is the risk of losing something good. But what's the point of avoiding the hurt if it means you never have the good to begin with? Even though you might fail, you have to try every time. That's what it is to live.

"I don't want somebody else, Sheska. I want you." He places another, shorter kiss on her lips. "You make me happy."

Even now, even here, she can't resist the lure of touch, and she finds herself leaning into his hand. Shame brings color back to her cheeks and she watches silently as he tries to find the words, swallowing against the rock in her throat. Her squeeze shut while he shakes his head. He's given up. Loneliness swells and breaks over her.

And then his lips are on hers.

Tear-spiked lashes spring up. What...? Before she can quite process what's happening, he's pulled away, and she's left staring and scrambling to pick up what he's saying. It's mad. It's... Doesn't he understand what she'd said? No. He does. And... and he doesn't care.

That brilliant, flickering something in her stomach twists and flares, piercingly bright and oh so painful, and she recognizes it. Hope. Could he... could he really want to risk this? Even after all she's done? After all he's been through? She can hardly give it credence.

She begins to move to reciprocate just a second too late to join the second kiss, and she turns it into biting her lip, blinking at him in wonder. Realizing she's staring, she ducks her head and brushes disbelieving fingers over her lips. "You... you really mean that. Don't you." It's dumb, and it's selfish, but she has to be sure.

There. That's more like it.

He smiles sweetly as her fingers ghost over her lips, gently placing his hands on either side of her head and rising to kiss her tenderly on the forehead.

"I do, Sheska. Of course, I do."

He really believes they can do this. That even if it crashes down in fire and ruin it will have been worth it. Sheska meets his eyes of her own accord, his kiss burning like a benediction on her brow. He's smiling... With all his wounds, all his burdens, he wants to take on another. But that's just like him, isn't it.

She finds herself smiling too, the bright fire of hope driving back the clouds and mist, at least for a little while. She feels more like herself than she has in a long time. Gently, she reaches out to capture his hand in both of hers.

"All... All right. Yes, Koizumi Itsuki, you may certainly court me. So long as I can court you, too. Okay?"

Edited 2014-07-24 01:11 (UTC)

Koizumi's eyes widen in surprise, caught completely off guard - but then he looks down, lips curling into an almost shy smile. He glances up at her, still smiling softly, his cheeks a little red. It makes him look younger, somehow.

He thinks it's just like her to turn the tables on him like this - and he finds he loves that about her.

"I didn't know it before, but... yes. Always, yes. I wouldn't want it any other way."

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[Closed Log]

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject