#06 [ audio ]

[ontheropes]

[ The recording is in Russian, spoken very seriously and unemotionally. ]

I am awaiting further orders.

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[originalavenger]

[ He has to laugh a little, self deprecating. ] Sorry. I'm selfish, I guess.

[ontheropes]

[ He wasn't expecting that and barks out something between a laugh and a sob. ] I've destroyed so much, Steve. So much.

[originalavenger]

[ And Bucky-- because Steve is sure it's him now-- is pulled into a hug, a tight one, like from when they were kids. ] Not you. You didn't have a say.

[ontheropes]

[ Is it? He's both and he's neither. He's angry and heartbroken, ashamed of himself and what he's done. He's never felt this before. Has he? Is this Bucky? Does he stop being Winter Soldier and become Bucky when he feels regret?

He finds himself holding Steve in return. ] I think it was after the... [ He has to think. ] The train. That I became this.

[originalavenger]

What happened? What'd they do to you? I'm sorry, Bucky. I'm so sorry.

[ontheropes]

[ He's fully lucid now, finding himself confessing all he was ever told and programmed to keep secret. ] It was the Soviets. They conditioned me to be their assassin. Put me in stasis between missions. I couldn't... I wasn't supposed to have emotions. [ Emotions? ] But there was Natalia...

[originalavenger]

Natalia? [ Steve raises an eyebrow, and pulls away a little bit. He glances around and spots a bench, and all but drags Bucky over to it, sitting them both down. ]

[ontheropes]

[ He collapses on the bench and looks down at his hands as he speaks. ] Natalia Romanova. I trained her and I... had feelings for her. [ He pauses, clenching and unclenching his fists. He's looking at his synthetic arm like it was the first he's ever seen it. ] They punished us both for it.

[originalavenger]

Natalia Romanova... Huh. That sounds kind of like--[ His brain comes to a screeching halt, skids off the road, and careens down the ravine. ] Natasha?!

[ontheropes]

[ He looks at him, brows knit in confusion. ] How could you know her?

[originalavenger]

She's.. she's a friend of mine. It's not important right now, sorry. Why would they punish you for that?

[ontheropes]

It wasn't allowed. [ He looks back at his hands and drops them into his lap. ] I'm not allowed to feel.

[originalavenger]

You are now. [ Steve's got his own hands in his lap, looking over at Bucky. ]

[ontheropes]

[ He laughs hollowly again, rubbing at his temple. ] I don't know if I can thank you for that or not yet.

[originalavenger]

You don't have to. Like I said, I'm being selfish. I just couldn't lose you again. [ He reaches up and gives Bucky's shoulder a squeeze, and a small smile. ]

[ontheropes]

[ He leans into him ever so slightly, feeling exhausted. Like the weight of the world was simultaneously lifted from his shoulders then slammed right back down again. ] I suppose you're allowed to be.

[originalavenger]

[ And Steve slips an arm around him, leaning back, holding him close. ] I'm sorry.