making a fool's joke of the promises we make

[themuse]

Who: Kaylee Frye and Kate Beckett
What: Post-"I Think I Just Broke Up With My Boyfriend" talk at one of the bars.
When: The evening of December 1st
Warnings: Drinking. Girl bonding.


The bar had been Kaylee's idea, but Kate needed it.

The younger woman must have seen what happened on the phones. And Blake was right; Kate already regretted her indiscretion. She wasn't exactly the type to air dirty laundry and the worst of it was, she hadn't even wanted to let people know that she and Castle were dating back when this all started and then she had gone and done, well, whatever that was.

She was fairly certain she might have broken up with him. But instead of doing what she wanted to do - showing up at his apartment and begging for his forgiveness - she ended up sitting at home sulking instead.

So sulking at the bar wasn't exactly a huge difference. Kate sat a table in a dark corner, a drink in front of her, but she was staring into it more than she was actually drinking.

Comments

[hot4engines]

Kaylee's expression and mood softened at that, and she sat back in her chair as well, looking thoughtful.

"I didn't know he had a kid," she said quietly. "I guess that changes things a bit... still... can't you have both? I mean, love what you got, while you got it, while still lookin' for a way out? You know that's my philosophy."

[themuse]

Kate shook her head. "I know but it's not that easy for me. When I'm with him, I just... I get so wrapped up. And what we have here isn't gonna happen back home. I wanna get him back but I know it means losing what we have."

She's being selfish, she knew, but Kate started to think maybe pushing Castle away would make it easier. The closer they got, the more it hurt to think about losing it.

[hot4engines]

"But how do you know it ain't gonna happen?" Kaylee wanted to know. "I mean, it's pretty clear to anybody that you're really into each other. Okay, so maybe it won't be the same when you go back home, but does that mean you gotta give up here?"

[themuse]

"I know because things back home are really screwed up, Kaylee." She's not sure exactly how to express thirteen years of repressed anger and depression, much-less how to communicate how much that had complicated things between the two of them. "Maybe it would be easier if we gave up now instead of fighting to make something work when it's not even going to matter."

[hot4engines]

Kaylee was quiet for a while as she digested that. She knew what it was like to come from a screwed-up world- hell, her own government kidnapped and experimented on teenage girls in secret, justifying it to themselves that it was for the greater good. She also knew about wanting to just give up when things looked difficult.

"You and I both know that givin' up ain't you," she finally said firmly. "Look, I don't know all about what's goin' on for you back home. But you got a man who absolutely adores you, and who makes you really happy. You're allowed to have your cake and eat it, too. You can be together and work."

[themuse]

Kate's world itself probably wasn't half as screwed up at Kaylee's, but Kate made up for that in her own head sometimes. And she never had a problem on giving up on things because they were difficult; she just seemed to have a problem hanging onto them when they started seeming attainable.

"I've spent years pushing him away," Kate admitted. "Maybe... I've just gotten used to it. It was easier to ignore how difficult things were when we weren't together and being here changed all of that."

[hot4engines]

Ah. Now they were getting to the heart of the matter, she thought.

"But is the change really such a bad thing?" Kaylee asked, gathering a bit of salt from the rim of her glass on her finger and sucking on it. "I guess I just don't see why you wanna let go of somethin' as makes you happy. Well, you've told me why, but that's... so different to how I handle things, I can't really conceive just throwin' up my hands and sayin', well, I'm letting myself be happy and not spending all the time I think I should on going back home, might as well pack it in and break it off with him. Do you think you'd be better off that way?"

[themuse]

Kate just stared at Kaylee for a long moment, blinking. She's never had anyone lay it out like that for her, and even Lanie could never really get the point across. The way Kaylee made it sound was really stupid but the truth of the matter was, it was exactly what her thought process was.

"No, I don't think I would."

[hot4engines]

Kaylee nodded encouragingly.

"I ain't going to tell you what to do, 'cause ultimately it's your call. But... I can almost get it, I think. Not wanting to take the next step 'cause it's easier to leave things in limbo." She hesitated before going further, hating bringing up Simon, but it felt relevant. "...I have a boyfriend back home. Had. Hell, I still don't know which to call him. It tore me up when Shepard and me was fixed up by Jenny the first time, 'cause I was at a crossroads then. Bein' how I still hold a torch for Simon, I coulda walked away from Shepard. He would've understood. But I also knew just as well that Simon could well never show up again, and I had no way of knowin', and that I deserved to try and be happy, too."

She squirmed a little in her chair, having just admitted aloud what was tantamount to cheating, but pressed on,

"My point being, thinking about the what-ifs and problems and the scary things is okay. In small doses. But sometimes, you gotta make a choice, and you gotta consider that, while you never know what might happen tomorrow, or next week, or next month, today you deserve to be happy."

[themuse]

Kate was entirely sympathetic for Kaylee, really. Of course she knew about her and Shepard's... thing, but it didn't even occur to her that she had someone waiting back home. To be fair, she was surprised to learn that Castle didn't have a girlfriend, and that had helped some in her decision in wanting to be with him. She wasn't under any delusions that he had been waiting to come home to her, of course; but the fact that he hadn't shacked up with someone else had been a credit to his character.

And she knew how hard it was for Kaylee, having friends back home and losing the ones that came to New Moore. Kate hardly judged Kaylee for taking a risk in having just a little bit of happiness here, and she wasn't sure why that risk was so hard for herself.

"I broke up with two boyfriends hoping things would work out with Castle, and even then I couldn't get it to work," Kate admitted. She had never told anyone that before but it seemed fair to share, considering how honest Kaylee had been. "That's really not any different than what you've done, the only difference is you are making it work. And you do deserve to be happy, Kaylee. I guess I've just spent a lot of time not making the choice because I kept worrying I'd make the wrong one."

[hot4engines]

"You deserve to be happy, too," Kaylee reminded her, reaching over and covering one of Kate's hands with her own. "It's complicated, sure- but ain't that life in general? Nothin's ever simple. It never goes smooth, like my Captain always says. Again, you gotta be the one to make the choice in the end, but to me, it seems pretty damn obvious."

[themuse]

Kate took Kaylee's hand and squeezed it thankfully. She hadn't exactly been thrilled about making friends on the island - all part of her initial "not getting used to it" thought process - but she was glad it had ended up that way. Kaylee had helped Kate more than she was ever willing to admit.

"I think it's obvious. That is, if he actually forgives me."

[hot4engines]

"I think he will," Kaylee smiled. "He don't seem like the type to not let you back in. And I'm a firm believer in things workin' out in the end, no matter how bad they seem now."

[themuse]

Kate nodded. She's not sure if she believes in things working out in the end; but at the same time, she has to admit she's never stuck something out long enough to see how it would end. Her life was one unfinished story after another.

"Thanks. I'm really glad you were around to talk me down, Kaylee."

[hot4engines]

"Any time," said Kaylee firmly. "I'm always happy to help with men problems. Or problems of any sort, come to think of it."

[themuse]

That actually makes Kate laugh because it's nice to have someone to talk to about men problems. Sheska, for as great as she is, isn't really a font of knowledge when it comes to the relationship front and Anita is just as bad as Kate when it gets right down to it. So in a way, it's nice that her and Kaylee can bond over the difficulties of making a relationship work in a place like this.

"At the risk of learning... way too much about my boss' personal life, how are things with you and Shepard going?"

[hot4engines]

"I don't get to see him as much as I'd like, but steady as she goes otherwise," Kaylee smiled, taking another sip of her drink. The alcohol was sending warmth coursing through her, even if this wasn't quite enough to get her smashed. "We make time when he has it. And he got me a car for Christmas," she added, her face lighting up. "It's old and beat up and barely works. I can't wait for the weather to warm up so's I can start tinkering."

[themuse]

Kate hadn't even touched her beer so she took that opportunity to take a sip, making a face because it had gotten warm during their conversation.

"The biggest thing I remember about you during that pirate thing is how well you kept that ship running. I bet you'll do wonders on a beat up old car." She shakes her head, smiling. "I've never been too good with cars, but I've got a motorcycle back home."

[hot4engines]

"Motorcycles are good, too," Kaylee said, nodding. "I told Sirius I'd help him build one, though he thinks he can make it fly..." She shook her head. "Of course, by now I'd guess anything is possible here. I'm just glad to have an actual engine to work on. Mostly I end up fixing appliances and stuff here, and while it ain't bad work and puts food on the table, spaceships are my true love. I always had a natural talent for it."

[themuse]

"Well, if my coffee machine craps out, I know who to call." She was a little jealous of Kaylee, actually, suddenly missing the freedom of her Harley. Maybe she could live vicariously through her foster sister, if nothing else. "I don't imagine you could build a spaceship here? I mean, supplies and costs aside I doubt you could get it off the island, right?"

[hot4engines]

Kaylee giggled at that. "Wouldn't wanna go without coffee. That'd be a terrible way to wake up."

She then shook her head.

"Nah, definitely not. The Doctor's got his own spaceship- beautiful thing, she is- but she can't make it out any more'n a regular ship could. So there wouldn't be much of a point spendin' the time on it, I guess, since I wouldn't be able to go very far."

[themuse]

Kate nodded, slightly disappointed. The thought of building a spaceship hadn't occurred to her, obviously; not to mention once they were out in space, what would they do anyone? Trading this prison for another one didn't seem like the best form of action in the long run.

"Car's a better bet, Kaylee," Kate encouraged. "And you know... Maybe we can all use the distractions. We all need something here to make it worthwhile, right? Like what you said about having relationships. I guess there's really no point in stopping living just because things aren't going the way we planned."

[hot4engines]

"You know that's always been my outlook on life," Kaylee smiled. "Like I said, things never go the way we planned, whether it's here or back home. If you start thinkin' too much about the what-ifs and negative possibilities and start bein' afraid that every step you take could be the wrong one, it paralyzes you. That ain't no way to live. Looking before you leap, and thinking, and being careful's fine- letting it dominate everything you do ain't. We make mistakes and wrong choices, sure- but at least it's livin', and you can pick yourself up and learn something from it."

[themuse]

Kate smiled warmly. "You're right. I guess I need to remember that here."

She reached out again and patted Kaylee's hand. "I really appreciate your friendship, Kaylee. And taking the time to talk me... I promise I'm gonna keep everything you've said in mind."

[hot4engines]

"Good," said Kaylee, returning the smile with equal warmth. "And really, I was happy to do it. Any time you need some girl talk, you call me. I ain't about to let you throw this away."

[themuse]

"I'm trying to be a little better about actually talking to people about this kind of thing," Kate admitted. "It's this place. With everything that happens here... It's just so different from home. Makes it harder to keep everything in, I guess."