thoughtformed | locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered, where you feel safe

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locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered, where you feel safe

Who: Richard Castle and Kate Beckett
What: Obligatory make up ~~and make out~~ session.
Where: South 105
When: The night of December 4th
Warnings: Excessive feels. Maybe other stuff.

She loved him.

Kate wasn't sure of much else in this place but that fact was very clear in her head. She loved him too much to let it end like that, and she had enough faith in him to hope that he felt the same way. The fears were still there; the idea that they had allowed their relationship to make them too complacent, the fact that their relationship hinged solely on their time on the island, the fact that she knew getting him home to Alexis might mean losing everything they had.

And then the tiny fact that she was happier here than she had ever been back in New York.

But if the last four days had proved anything it was that she couldn't do this without him. Kate didn't want to do it without him, not if she didn't have to. But she was worried she had damaged him so much that he would shy away and she wanted to make sure she didn't do any more damage by waiting too long.

Waiting was what had done damage in the first place.

So she didn't call ahead, she just showed up at his door, hoping he would be home. And she knocked, hoping he would answer.

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Castle- did not look good when she answered the door. He was pretty unkempt, and unshaven, as he tended to be when he didn't feel like taking care of his appearance. He was obviously tired and lacked a lot of the usual radiance and energy that he exuded.

He didn't look surprised at Kate's arrival, because some part of him had been expecting it. He had no idea where this was going to go or what was going to happen, but it was going to, so he was going to deal with it.

"Come in," he mumbled. "I'll put some coffee on."

Kate tried to hide her relief that he had even answered the door, much less that he didn't slam it in her face the moment he saw her.

But that was Castle. He always let her have her word, even when he knew it might be at his expense. She slipped into the apartment, trying not to think about what a trainwreck he looked like and how much she probably contributed to that.

She followed him a few steps behind to the kitchen, trying not to invade his space. "Castle, I came here to apologize. I don't know why I went off like that but... I'm sorry."

Castle was quiet for a while as he measured out the coffee, pouring it and water into the pot, turning it on and listening to the machine grind as it came to life and . So, she'd come to apologize- again, like he'd half expected her to. He then sighed and looked down, gripping the edges of the countertop.

"...Then you need to figure out why," he finally said. "Because I can't keep doing this, Kate. I thought you were happy with me, but you made it pretty obvious that you aren't. Except now you're apologizing, so I guess you didn't mean it at all. I don't know. I don't KNOW, and this shouldn't be so fucking complicated."

She wasn't sure how he would react, but she hadn't expected this. Maybe she hoped she could just come in and say 'I'm sorry,' and he'd say 'It's okay' and then they would kiss and make up and pretend like none of it had ever happened. So that she could pretend like it never happened.

So that it could happen all over again. So that she could hurt him all over and never have to explain why.

"It's never not going to be complicated!" She spoke louder than she meant to, tightening her fists and trying to calm herself down. "I promised myself I'd get you back to Alexis, back home. And we're spending our time drinking coffee and solving murders and making love and pretending like this is home and it isn't, Castle. We don't belong here."

"I want to get home, too," Castle said, still speaking at the countertop. "I know this isn't where we belong. I know that. Every day I'm very acutely aware of the fact that I'm not where I belong. Home doesn't have trolls or actual living, breathing superheroes and characters who walked straight out of the pages of comics and books. But what are we supposed to do in the meantime? Not talk to each other, except in a professional capacity? Just pretend that our feelings aren't there? Pretend that the last few months were just a fun side fling and we can go back to working together? You and I both know that that's not ever going to work."

Tears were springing up in Kate's eyes and she tried to fight them down. She stared up at the ceiling and sucked in a deep breath.

"That's not how I want it to work." Her voice was thick with her tears and she was trying to stop herself from reaching out to him. She wanted to touch him. "I'm..." Kate shuttered a breath. She needed to be honest with him and stop hiding if she was going to fix any of this. "I got angry because I'm confused. I'm happy here because you made me happy and I didn't want that. I'm afraid if we get too comfortable..." She petered out, not sure how to say what she was feeling anymore.

Castle heard the tremble in her voice, and despite how hurt- and angry- he still felt, he felt an overwhelming urge to hold her, to wipe and kiss those tears away, to just tell her he forgave her so he could go back to feeling love for her. But not yet. If she was going to insist that this was it, better to not have that one last time.

He did, however, finally turn to look at her.

"Do you really think I'd let us stop finding a way to go home? That I'd give up on the idea just because we cut to the chase here and the inevitable happened?"

Inevitable. Had it been? Castle wanted to believe it was.

"There's a balance between 'totally giving up' and 'devoting ourselves to nothing but'. It's not an either or decision. It doesn't have to be unless we choose to make it that." He took a shaky breath.

"I had to look myself square in the eye and see the ugly parts of my personality laid bare and have them broadcast for everyone in this city to see. But that still didn't hurt as much as when you told me none of this mattered to you. Because then I thought that for sure I'd lost you and that that was it. Any time anything bad happens, I make it through it because I know you'll be there to back me up. I want you, but I don't want this to hurt like this, either."

Kate wasn't sure it was inevitable but, hell, maybe it was. You could cut a knife with what had been between them the last three years - whether is was antagonistic or based in love or sexual or whatever, it had always been there and Kate couldn't deny that. And maybe somehow they'd make it work but she wasn't sure how, not with what she had been feeling before she was taken from home.

When she'd broken off things with Josh, a small part of her knew it was because she wanted to see if she could make things work with Castle. But she didn't know how to do that at the time and, even now, she still didn't know.

"I didn't mean it like that. It does matter to me, Castle. It matters so much and I just..." She sobbed, tightening her fists again, trying to ground herself in front of him so she wouldn't run like she wanted to. "It doesn't matter to them. And it's one thing if we go home together but... What happens if they only send one of us? What happens if they up and send you home or onto the 'real world' or whatever the next step is and I'm here? Then who's here to back me up? How the hell am I supposed to do this without you, Rick?"

Castle wouldn't stand it any longer. Even with now deeply their argument had cut, the sight of her crying was too much. He went up to her and pulled her into his arms, reaching up to wipe her tears away.

"You managed just fine before I came into your life," he reminded her quietly. "But even without me, you wouldn't be alone. Never. You still have everyone's support, and you'd still kick their asses. Because you're you. And nothing- nothing- would ever be able to keep us apart."

She didn't manage fine. Kate Beckett was an empty shell before Castle came along, and she had liked it that way. Everyone knew it; Lanie, Espo, even Montgomery. She'd taught herself to play along, learned the right steps to live life the best way she knew how.

But the dance hadn't meant a damn thing to her until Castle cut in and actually gave it some meaning. She had forgotten how to care about life and he was teaching her how to do it all over again. And Kate wasn't sure she was at the point yet where she could do it by herself.

Kate held him tightly, shuttering a breath and just thankful to have him in her arms again. She was worried this had been it but his words were enough to comfort her in knowing he wasn't going anywhere.

"I never meant to hurt you," she said, still sobbing. "I just don't know how to do this, I don't know how to care about someone this much."

Castle held her, feeling his own eyes welling up. As much as he wanted to tell her it was all going to be okay, he knew he couldn't guarantee that. Not completely. But he could do his best.

"I wish I had an answer to give to that," he replied. "But you've got to stop lashing out at me every time you get scared. I'm not..." He took a shaky breath. "...I've seen some ugly things here. I've had to question the kind of person I am and take some long, hard looks at myself and not liked what I've seen but had to accept it just the same. I've changed. Just like you have. We need to learn about and accept that."

Kate pulled away from him, wiping her tears with the palms of her hands and shaking her head. She wasn't sure how she ended up with someone who had such ending patience for her bullshit but Kate knew she'd be an idiot if she threw that away.

"I've never seen you so angry at me," she muttered. "Besides that fight we had at my place before Montgomery..." She took another breath. "I know what this place has done to you but it hasn't changed how I feel about you. And I'm trying... I'm seeing a therapist and I'm really trying to get past where I was so I can be there for you, too."

Castle let her pull away, but still brushed that long, beautiful hair behind her ears.

"Because I didn't want to think that none of this mattered to you," he replied. "Because it did make me angry to think that it may have all been just some... some ruse to you. Some meaningless fling. I can't do that- not with you. I'm playing for keeps." He then nodded. "I believe that you can do this. But I can't... sit back and quietly take you provoking me like that all the time. Sometimes I can control myself enough to not take the bait, but it's not gonna happen all the time. The less opportunities we have to fight, the better."

Edited 2013-01-06 04:55 (UTC)

Kate wasn't used to feeling admonished, especially by Castle, but she figured if she ever deserved it, now was certainly the time. So she took it, nodding quietly as he spoke and biting her tongue at her instinctual defensiveness.

There was a lot between them, and she knew what they had was fragile and volatile. It could turn into a love story or it could implode and fill them both with bitterness, and Kate didn't want the second option. Castle had been through enough and she didn't want to be the one to break him.

"We're not gonna never fight, I know that much." She stepped forward again, reaching up to brush her fingers over his cheek gently. "But this was never a fling to me. I knew what was happening when I got into this and it's what I want. I want you."

Castle finally smiled at her in return, though it was a bit lopsided.

"Fair enough," he agreed. "And hopefully, some day- no matter where we are- it'll get to the point where it's over stupid stuff like me hogging the covers or what color to paint the bathroom. Too many fights like this..." He shook his head and responded to the last of her words by taking her into his arms again.

She could finish the thought for him just fine on her own. Too many fights like this and he was gone. Maybe that's what she had been going for; she didn't want to break up with him but she knew because of her insecurities, subconsciously she was going to try to find a way to make him end it. And she hated that about herself.

Kate had never had a relationship as volatile with any other man than she did with Castle. But that's because there hadn't been as much as stake. It was easy not to fight when her heart wasn't in it; she could distract herself with the logical mechanics of how a relationship was supposed to work when she wasn't bogged down by emotions. It was exactly what made her relationship with Castle special, and it was also what made it dangerous. Kate was too used to being in control and she lost that control around him, and that was why she kept pushing him away.

She buried her head in his chest, trying to fight back more tears, trying to regain the little control that she did have so she could clear her head. "You do hog the covers, though," she muttered.

Castle wished he could tell what Kate was thinking. Right now, he was still hurting a little, but he knew things would be okay again soon. Part of him knew when getting into this that spats like this were likely, just due to Kate being the way she was and denying what she wanted, what made her happy. But the moments he got her to smile and laugh... he still felt, deep in his heart, that it was all worth it.

"What if it's all a ruse to get to to snuggle?" he murmured back.

Maybe one day she'd come clean - but it would involve too much right now. It would involve telling him that she loved him, and she wasn't ready for that yet. Especially now, after all this, she'd worry it would just cheapen it. Kate wanted to tell him but she didn't want to abuse that power she knew she had over him, and she felt like dropping it now, after how badly she'd hurt him, would just make him doubt the sincerity.

Not that she didn't think he already knew, in his own way. He told her he loved her enough to make Beckett think he was pretty secure in how she felt, even if she hadn't verbalized it. But she still knew it was something she needed to learn to say.

She raised her head and captured the back of his head with her palm, moving him down so she could kiss him gently on the lips. "We can go snuggle now if you want."

And there it was- the kiss. All was not quite forgotten yet- forgiven, perhaps, but not forgotten- but it was amazing what one simple kiss could do for Castle's mood. It was an encouraging sign if nothing else.

"Well, since you asked so nicely..."

Kate was relieved that he had that reaction, because it meant, to her, that things could be fixed. She knew it would still take some work but an apology followed by physical intimacy was as good a start as any.

She kissed him again, smiling up at him. "I know I'm not good at showing it, but you really do make me happy."

"I think I can show enough for the both of us," Castle replied, taking her hand and gently leading her toward his bedroom. "At least until you can do it more."

She followed him obediently, her heart already starting to race in anticipation. How he did manage making her feel that way, even after she'd been so cruel to him? She didn't want to take advantage of how he felt about her anymore, and she knew now was the time to start changing and actually appreciating what they had between them.

"You definitely have no problems showing it," she laughed, clinging to his hand tightly. "I'm really am glad one of us doesn't completely suck at the whole relationship thing."

"I have my moments of suck, too," Castle assured her, thinking grimly of his two failed marriages, though he knew better than to bring those up- not at a time like this, when things were somehow happy and precarious at the same time. "But we know we'll both accept each others' sucky moments. And work through them."

Once they got into the bedroom, Beckett knocked the door shut with her foot and swung around, taking his other hand and walking backwards to lead him to the bed as she talked.

"I'm not having a suck contest with you," she chided. "But I do promise not to yell at you over that stupid network anymore. If we're gonna suck we should probably do it behind closed doors."

Her eyes widened and she pressed her lips together. That came out much more dirty than she meant it to.

Castle exhaled at that, and leaned in closer to her. "Miss Beckett, I do believe you're trying to seduce me," he murmured. He then turned serious again and sat beside her. "... But point taken. If this ever happens again, we put the phones down and talk in person. I think it has a better chance of turning out better that way."

"Detective Beckett," she corrected him gently, trying not to lose the playfulness they had finally regained. She moved to straddle his hips, settling into his lap and gently brushing her fingers through his hair.

"I knew better. I kept pushing you and I shouldn't have. And I'm sorry."

A little chill ran through Castle's body when she sat in his lap. Despite everything, it still felt nice, and her playing with his hair felt even better.

"Apology accepted," he replied, though he knew he wasn't going to forget what had happened any time soon. "I can't stay upset with you for too long."

Kate took his words at face value; even for what they had been through, they had burned each other enough in their short, volatile history together that she had started to just accept he'd forgive her, eventually.

She lowered her head, brushing her lips against his gently. "Good," she breathed. "Because I meant it when I said I don't wanna do this without you." Her hands snaked between them to undo the belt of his pants in a fluid motion, a smile playing across her lips. "Especially this."

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locked inside the only place where you feel sheltered, where you feel safe

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