thoughtformed | [audio]

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[It's too much for him to struggle through typing, but the following comes out almost like a compulsory stream-of-consciousness rant. Connor's voice sounds strained, strangled, threatening tears. It's been building inside him for awhile now, something he's been trying hard to either justify or forget, but it's finally clawed his way out, and he can't stop himself from letting it now.]

I did it. I did what everyone said, I'm the monster they always thought I was. I made Angel disappear and I killed or sabotaged every lead they found along the way. I don't care that they found out, but they never stopped to ask me why, nobody ever wanted to know why I wanted him to suffer. They thought it was just because I hated him, but they didn't know the truth -- and they never wanted to know. All they wanted was for me to be a monster they could blame all of their problems on.

I hate them. All of them. Even my father. Especially him. Self-righteous bastard. He thinks he knows everything because he has a soul, because he's some kind of hero, but I'm the only person who sees him for what he really is. A demon. The soul is a mask he's forced to wear; someday he'll kill all of them and then they'll see.

I was right.

I'm glad I sent Angel to the bottom of the ocean. If he was here, I'd do it again.

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Connor?

Hey... do you need to talk?

Nobody ever wants to talk to me. They just listen to Angel and assume whatever the hell they want.

That right? That's what all demons do, right? Kill them all?

[Have a serious, concerned little white face staring into the camera. Her eyes are wide, but not panicked. She keeps her voice even and calm, even if she can't quite hide the breathy quality of underlying nerves, using her own use name for him rather than expose his true name for everyone to hear.]

Tochas, look at me. Take a breath. You are among friends here. You're not at home, where people judge you for things you have done. Here you are free of that past unless you let it rule you. You want to become a better person than you were, you told me. Is that still true?

All demons are evil. Unclean. Even me. I'm a monster, too.

[Except Cordelia. She's only half. She's... she's okay.]

But Angel is worse than most. He was such a ruthless killer that he was cursed to have a soul so he could remember all that he's done. It's not really him. Not like he wants his friends to believe. He's still evil inside. And someday, he's going to get out.

[He actually turns the video feed on just for Aisling, which reveals that he has, in fact, been crying. His eyes are red and tracks have been left behind on his cheeks, though there are no tears falling now. The hand holding the phone is shaking slightly, causing the feed to be unsteady.]

... yes. I still want to be better. I don't want to be a monster anymore.

But I'm not sorry. They never even asked why I did it! He murdered my father. My real father. The one who raised me, not like him. He let them get me, he let me get taken away and dragged down into hell. He didn't hold onto me.

Sounds like you know the guy better than he knows himself. Funny. Demons and humans seem pretty damn interchangeable to me.

[his voice is light, but rough.]

Someone's wrong, someone's right, someone feels like they can make the judgment to say that it's all the same. You got balls, kid. I'll give you that, but you going around saying shit like this and you're gonna find more than one demon at your throat.

I'll be the one to break it to you.

Humans can be far worse than demons.

I know.

His friends are human and they're just as bad as he is. Just as blind. Always looking for some reason to fight. He murdered my father, but only after killing his entire family and leaving him to suffer. And Angel is still the victim?

What I did was justice. Angel may be my father by blood, it makes me as much a monster as he is. But that's all it is. It's just blood. That's not enough.

There's no such thing as justice, kid. And revenge? If there were such a thing, that's not it. You just gonna knock 'em all out and call it a day? You're gonna be one sorry shell of a person.

Then one day, it's gonna happen and someone's gonna come after you.

Just because something was wrong... doesn't mean you have to renounce the action. If you feel you chose it for good reasons, and you would make the same choice again, that is part of who you are. It's something you accept about yourself and move on. Even good people make choices that look bad to the untrained eye. Sometimes it is a matter of doing a bad thing for a greater good - that can be good too. Being good is not only life and death. It is balance and harmony.

I have friends who agreed to help you find your path. Do you still want to meet them?

... I don't know how to do anything else.

[And there it is. The saddest truth of all.]

All I've ever known, my whole life, is killing demons. It's all I was raised for.

I'm just a weapon. I'm already a shell.

Right, the sad truth of the whole damn thing.

Find another path. This one isn't for you. Find something you love and protect it. Stop blaming everyone else and walk forward with your own two feet.

I don't even know... how to begin. I don't know how to start changing. I don't understand this world. But I want to. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

... yes. I still want to meet them.

I want to know why.

Well, I don't know who Angel is but it looks like you need to vent.

... find something I love and protect it.

I think that's what I was doing, before I came here.

[The rage has clearly diffused a great deal by now, he's gotten quieter. What Dante has said isn't so unfamiliar. He'd been advised similarly, though the words were gentler. And really, he's been trying since he got here, but this... it's been weighing on him. Here, people want to be his friends, but it's only because they don't know about the things he's done. And now it's out.]

The world ain't gonna change because you're mad at it, kid.

Edited 2013-01-12 03:07 (UTC)

I don't want it to change. But I want to understand it.

That ain't what it sounds like.

This shit you're talking about isn't gonna go away. You wanna feel keeping this way? Fine. But those demons that are at your throat—you hurt someone? I guarantee I'll be the first one there.

Edited 2013-01-12 03:10 (UTC)

My father. Biologically. I never knew him until recently. He killed the man who raised me. ... that's what I thought.

I don't know what I want to do.

This is pretty incriminating.

I don't want to hurt anyone here. Some of them have been good to me. Like Jin. And he's -- he's a demon.

[But Connor tends to forget that, seeing as he's not exactly a giant oozing behemoth. Okay, time for more word vomit.]

... I'm sorry. I know not all demons are evil. It's what I was taught. But I forget, sometimes, that what I was taught wasn't always the truth.

The one who taught me that lied well. He made things sound like truth. I trusted him. I wish I hadn't.

Come to this place with new eyes. The past is behind you - a different place, a different time. It is the foundation for grove you plant. It does not rule you, but you cannot wipe it from you entirely. You have to find a way to make it fertile, instead of a poisonous blight on your heart. That is where to start. That and finding friends who can help support you when you fall. And tell you when you're being stupid. [The ghost of a smile twitches at the corner of her mouth, a ripple of ironic laughter hidden under there somewhere.]

A boy with silver grey hair will speak with you - he is one of those I spoke to. He has been one of the greatest helpmeet on my own journey.

Because it was revenge, that's why. He murdered my father, and countless more before him. I thought I was doing the world a favor.

I thought it was the right thing to do. The just thing.

[He's cooled down a bit by now, and sounds as though he's experiencing both resent and regret instead of the rage from earlier.]

[By the time Souji's message comes in, Connor's been talking to various people for a little while now, and a lot of the anger seems to have ebbed away. There's something else there, instead: regret. That thing he claimed not to feel?

Well, if you're deluded enough, you can convince yourself that anything is the truth.]

People should know what I am. I've been hiding it. I don't want to keep these secrets anymore.

I'm not proud of myself.

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