thoughtformed | Trying to run and hide [Closed]

Entry tags:

Trying to run and hide [Closed]

Who: Rogue, Koizumi, Remy and Sirius.
What: Trying to find Rogue and getting her to talk.
Where: Rogue's place.
When: Today

Rogue had been trying to keep her life going since her incident with Sirius and the time as a Pirate, but it was difficult. She was dealing with Sirius' memories and emotion, and then there was Remy. The 'life' they shared together as pirates felt just as real as her own memories. The connection they had, everything they had made her heart flutter and ache all at once. She tried to keep things going on with her life, but it wasn't that simple.

Every time she tried to go to bed she was placed back into a cell where those hooded figures were, doubling her guilt, fear and paralyzed her. She tried snapping herself out of it, telling herself it was someone else in her head, but it didn't work. She woke up in a cold sweat and unable to go back to bed. Coffee quickly became her best friend, but it didn't help her sleep any better at night.

She started arriving late to class or not even showing up at all. She hadn't spoken to anyone since the events happened or even bothered to look at her phone. There were probably a handful of messages on there, but she didn't want to read or deal with anything. Which is why she's locked herself in her apartment, only going out if she had to.

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Sirius knew all about nightmares. He knew about them, because they were his. They were supposed to be his problem and he blames himself for saddling her with them, if that was what had happened. He was beginning to suspect it had, after he had analyzed the situation again once he'd sobered up and with how she was avoiding him.

And so finally he tracked Rogue down at her apartment, knocking on the door.

"Rogue? It's me, Sirius! I'm worried, let me in. Please." After a few more knocks he added. "I can unlock the door, y'know? Magic."

It wasn't just him she was avoiding, it was everyone. Their short encounter had been a huge reminder that she needed to stay away from people. If not for their sake, then for hers. At least she could learn to control her power. Which could forever at the rate she was going.

Her head snapped up hearing the knock on the door. She didn't want to know who it was, thinking if she stayed quiet they'd go away. But that wouldn't be the case. The person on the other wise was Sirius. What the hell?

Rogue placed her cup of coffee down on the kitchen counter to move to the door and lean against it. He could unlock the door, but she'd make sure it would stay shut.

"Go. Away."

Sirius sighed and took out his wand, but he didn't unlock the door yet, instead just leaning against it and lowering his voice, now that she was right by the door. He couldn't allow her to send him away, not before he'd made sure that she at least heard him out once. Not until he was sure he couldn't help her.

Speaking of...

"I have a potion that would make you sleep without dreaming."

"Not interested," was her snappy come back, continuing to lean against the door until she started to slide down. Rogue sat down on the floor with her back to the door. She wasn't sure if Sirius had a potion that could give her one night's sleep without dreams of lives that were her own.

How long would she have to stay here until he went away?

He swallowed and leaned against the door himself, aware of how easily he could get in. But that wasn't the point. He didn't want to force his company on her, he just wanted to help her, if at all possible. Really, he just wanted to make it as if it never happened.

"So you don't have nightmares? If you've seen... If you're dealing with my memories, maybe if you knew more about it you could get some distance. Know your fears and all that."

An apology is on his lips, again, but his apologies have started to feel stale these days. Too guilty. Too sorry.

There were a lot of things Rogue wished didn't happen. Her coming over to see if he was alright when he was drunk. If she didn't bother to talk to him, ignored him, she wouldn't be in this spot. Her eyes fluttered shut, trying to rest them for a moment until he asked about the nightmares. That made her sit up straight and push back her bangs.

She knows her fears, but those aren't playing in her head. It's his. If she knows more...won't that make it worse? It'll complete the picture and give her more insight into a man she doesn't--shouldn't be near.

"I don't want to know about you or them. Just go away." Her voice is softer this time. She's tired, cranky and starting to feel dizzy from lack of sleep.

Rogue was going through something - that was obvious. Withdrawing more than usual, missing class - it seemed to start after the pirate... event. Koizumi could understand how that event could cause problems - remembering an entirely different life wasn't easy, especially one as morally grey as that reality. Though he was able to accept and reconcile the different reality in his head, even he wasn't comfortable with the things he remembers doing, or the things he considered doing.

Her desire for privacy, and to be alone, was equally obvious. He tried to respect it, staying away and giving her space - but after a week of this, and seeing how often she missed her classes, he began to suspect that something more was at play. Not only that, but... well, her coping strategy might not be the healthiest, whatever it was she was going through. Being alone and working things out can be good for you, but isolating yourself for extended periods of time... that was less so.

He couldn't force her to open up, of course - and he would never try. Whatever she was going through, she had to be the impetus through her healing process. Nobody else could do it for her. What he could do is show her he's there for her, that he'll be there if she needs a friend. And maybe help her with her homework, while he's at it.

And so Koizumi showed up early Saturday afternoon to knock softly at her door, backpack in hand. "Rogue?"

It hurt, for just a moment it hurt, but Sirius didn't allow himself to linger on it. He pushed past it as best he could and he actually was fairly good at it.

"I could help you with that, too," he finally said, just as quiet. "There are memory spells. I'll leave the potion out here. You just have to drink a glass full before sleeping and you won't have any dreams."

He sighed and got up running a hand through his hair. "Chocolate helps, too."

Rogue said nothing for a few seconds, trying to wrap her head around the fact there were memory spells. He could get rid of the memories in her mind, of the life she had 'lead' and the mess between them. She was curious about how it worked, or if it could work. She had personas erased from her mind, but never memories.

But the true question was, did she want them gone? Yes, it was hard to deal with and wrap around, but did she truly want them erased from her mind?

She breathed out a sigh, forcing herself to get up and placed her hand on the door. Rogue opened it slightly, letting him see her in a hoodie and pajama bottoms.

"Why can't you get it through your head that I don't want help?"

"I can, because you're stubborn, too. But I caused this and so why can't you get it through your head that I want to help?"

Sirius looked at her, glaring at first but finally ending up with a sigh and a shake of his head. "I'm sorry, Rogue. This isn't something you should have to deal with."

Rogue was at the kitchen counter pouring her fifth or sixth cup of coffee for the day. She had forgone placing sugar and creamer in her coffee, opting to go straight black. Part of her knew what she was doing wasn't healthy in the least, but she also knew she couldn't or didn't want to turn to anyone else. Her problems were her own. There were no other X-Men here for her to lean on. Granted, there was Remy, but she didn't want to be near him.

There was no Professor or Logan to help her out. Then again if they were here, she wouldn't want to get them involved.

She was sipping from her coffee mug when she heard the faint knock and familiar voice. The world stopped for a moment, hearing Koizumi's voice in her head, calling her Marie before she felt a cold chill run down her spine. It's not real.. She repeated the chant over and over in her mind, forcing the fragments and jumbled pieces of memories in the corners of her mind.

Taking in a deep breath, she went over to the door to slowly open it. If she quickly told him to go away, maybe he'd listen.

"Yeah?" She said, opening the door to reveal she had a long sleeved t-shirt on with pajama bottoms on.

"Stop," she said sharply, eyes narrowing at his form while a frown played on her lips. She was tired of apologies from him.

"It's not you fault, it's mine. I took the risk in coming over, I let my guard down.." And could've gotten them killed over it. She nearly let him in, nearly considered him a friend, but couldn't afford it. Her rant would've continued on if she wasn't seeing double now.

Rogue bowed her head, bringing her gloved hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. She couldn't pass out or falter right now. She wanted Sirius to go, not stay and try to take care of her.

"I don't need pity, or anything else."

"How the fuck is it pity when you're sitting here, dealing with my problems? I don't pity you, but I don't want you to have to deal with this. They're my issues and I brought them on myself. I know what they are and I've learned to adapt. You have nothing to do with it, you want nothing to do with it and you don't even want to talk to me or see me."

Sirius shook his head and held on to whatever not so righteous anger he felt as he glared at her, although he was really more upset with circumstances than her.

"You've no right to them, either, and I can take it back. So fucking let me. Unless you're so attached to suffering and making me feel guilty that you'd rather be stubborn about it. Let me deal with this and then you can ignore me as much as your heart desires."

"It feels like pity when you keep insisting to help me when I don't want it!" Rogue snapped back, anger and frustration in her brown eyes.

"I've learned to ignore anyone that comes into my head and memories that I don't want," she started, knowing very well she was lying. She couldn't deal with Mystique's memories. She still had to talk about them in order to figure out what the hell happened to the other mutant. It wasn't pleasant in the least.

"I told you from the damn start I'm not a people person. I never wanted to be a people person and I want you to get the fuck away before I kill you!"

"You wouldn't kill me," Sirius told her, forcing himself to some calmness. He stared at her, his eyes narrowed. "This has nothing to do with being a people person or not. This has nothing to do with pity. I think that you're dealing with something you shouldn't have to deal with that could break you. I don't care if this is happening to you or my worst enemy, I still won't have you suffer for something that I did!"

Yeah, that calmness hadn't lasted long.

He was in jeans and a short sleeved shirt, for once - something he hadn't done for more than a month. The reason isn't too hard to see - the long sleeved shirts he'd been favoring did a good job of covering his scars. However, he couldn't hide them forever - and by now they were about as healed as they were going to be. The ones across his chest - ends extending toward his neck, above the collar of his shirt - were barely visible. Thin and white, it seemed they had healed well. The burn marks on his right arm were a little worse, but healed and natural enough they could be mistaken for birth marks, if you didn't look too closely. Then there was the scar across his left cheek, which he had never been able to hide - smaller than the others, but more obvious, and more angry.

He tried not to show too much of his concern when she opened the door, knowing she probably wouldn't take it well - though he was concerned, and her state of dress only reinforced how much she was shutting herself away. He attempted a small smile, and held up the backpack with an understated gesture. "I brought your homework. If you want, I can go over what you missed." He spoke quietly and casually, with not a hint that anything about this was out of the ordinary.

When it becomes obvious that she's not answering her phone, and scouting shows she's still in her apartment, well. That only leaves Remy one alternative. The Cajun's never favored knocking, and locks don't bother him any. Lockpicks are fine, if you want to take a long time, but a flick of his finger imparts just enough kinetic energy to make all the pins and tumblers jump, and all he has to do is slip a file in and turn before they drop back down.

Click. The carefully locked door will unlock itself.

of course, if there's a deadbolt or a chain secured, he'll still have a problem for the moment.

"How do you know?" the question was more directed at herself than him at the moment. Both of them were being stubborn to give the other an inch. Rogue kept glaring at him, but she was finding it harder and harder to keep her eyes open. Opening her eyes after blinking became more difficult. The same thing was happening with her standing up with her leaning against the door frame. Her dizzy spell was getting worse, but she wouldn't let it show.

"How many times do we have ta go over this? It's...it's not your fault but mine," Rogue's voice was strained, forcing out each word as she tried to not give into her body's demand for sleep.

If Rogue was awake and alert she wouldn't have commented on the scars on Koizumi's arms. Even now, she wouldn't. Everyone had their own scars to bare; be it invisible or not. She knew better than to ask, not wanting to dive into his personal life. The whole point of distancing herself was to not get involved. Though she knows that's won't be the case. Given that the future Koizumi and her were seemingly great friends. But the future could always be rewritten and changed. Maybe this was the breaking point for their friendship.

"Homework?" Oh right, the thing she needed to turn in to make sure her grades stayed topnotch.

"No, it's okay. I'll get the assignments from the teachers. Still sick so...it's better if you don't stay." At least with Koizumi she was trying to be nice in putting more distance between them. It was a logical and believable excuse for him to not come in. Hopefully he would take the hint and just leave her be.

How difficult could that really be?

There was one person she didn't want to see for a very long while. Thus far she had been doing an excellent job of avoiding him. Rogue had hoped to continue to keep up the habit until she heard the lock softly turn on its own. Or...was she hearing things now too? Maybe there was another event where people decided to break into her home?

Or was she recalling the beginnings of a memory that wasn't hers?

Standing by the kitchen counter, she carefully picked up a knife and kept her back to the door. It was more as a procaution than anything else. If....if it turned out to be Remy, she would put it down and tell him sharply to get out. Already, without him stepping into the room, her heart was aching and beating loudly all at once. Memories of their 'life' they shared began to appear in her mind's eye. How he felt against her as they shared a hammock. The 'history' between them. It was all a lie. Move on from it.

The door slips quietly open, and just as quietly shut with him inside it. She's right there, which makes that much easy, at least. No hunting around. No chance she didn't hear him. And from the set of her shoulders...

"You hiding a knife, cherie, or you have a bouquet for Remy?"

The tension in her shoulders lessens hearing that familiar voice. Rogue puts the knife back down carefully, making sure its on the counter. Her back is still facing him. She doesn't want him to see her or for her to see him.

"What do you want, Cajun?" What could she do to get him oeur of her place without asking any questions?

Standing in the doorway, Koizumi paused a moment, unsure how to proceed. It was clear to him that saying she was sick was an excuse, a reason for him not to stay. If she didn't want him there, he didn't want to force his company on her, or force her to confront whatever she was hiding from directly by calling her out on the deceit.

On the other hand, if she just wanted him to leave because she was hiding, distancing herself from everyone... then she needed to know there were people there for her. People willing to become close with her, to stay even when she tried to push them away.

...It was a hard balance to strike.

"I have a good immune system, I'm not worried about that. And I already picked up your copies of all the assignments from your teachers, since none of them knew why you weren't there or when you were going to be back." He didn't invite himself in, she could still turn him away - but to do so she'd either have to make him dig out all her homework here in the hall, or tell him to leave more directly. If she straight out told him to leave, he'd go - but he wasn't going to be driven off by hints and evasions.

It would be so easy to be mean to him. To simply slam the door in his face and let him think she was a bitch, but Rogue couldn't bring herself to do that. Sure, she was rough around the edges, but she couldn't bring herself to treat him like that. Or maybe she was too tired to do that. Her focus as it were, was going in and out. Her vision was becoming blurry, making her nearly believe there were two Koizumi's before her.

She started to lean against the door frame with her arms loosely crossed over her chest.

"I can get the homework later," Rogue muttered, closing her eyes for a brief second. She needed to rest them, but when she did a sense of dread struck her heart. Sirius' memories were threatening to bubble to the surface. Her stomach became tangled up in knots. She opened her eyes suddenly as she fought the urge to hold her stomach and slide down the door frame to curl up on the floor.

"I...I'll be fine."

"Fine. But from experience I can tell you that you need a lot more energy to keep the self-hatred up or you risk it turning into self-pity. Now are you willing to do something that will keep you from dreaming my nightmares?"

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