thoughtformed | (no subject)

Lin is... [Koizumi's face blinks into the camera in disbelief, and in the bottom of the screen one of his hands grabs tightly onto the other - though not before Sheska could see that he'd begun trembling.

He turns his face away, quiet and unmoving. He gives no sign that he heard anything past the mention of Lin's release.]

Edited 2014-06-15 08:15 (UTC)

[Sheska has to pause and swallow hard, blinking back more of her own tears before calling his name softly.]

Koizumi...? She... She left something for you.

[Koizumi doesn't look up at her. His mouth opens several times as if he was trying to talk, but no noise came out. Eventually, breathing unsteadily, faster and faster, he let out a single choked cry.]

I can't...

[His voice breaks, and though he's turned away, tears have begun to stream visibly down his face. He shakes his head once, trembling, then throws down the phone and simply runs away.]

Itsuki--

[But he's gone, and she's left helpless and aching in the wake of his disappearance. Biting her lip, she stares at the skewed view of his bedroom for a long moment, thinking furiously. Finally she ends the call and scrubs the back of her wrist over her eyes with determination. She can't just leave him out there, alone and upset.

Gathering up the packet, she heads out to check with his roommate... and then spend the rest of the day wandering along the edge of the forest, venturing only a little ways in and calling his name until she's hoarse.]

[Koizumi emerges from the forest a couple hours later. He's worn, exhausted - he's obviously been crying, and generally does not look his best. The sorrow in his eyes is undiminished, though it's quieter now, not as consuming.

He looks up at Sheska, face open and vulnerable. Without a word, he comes up to her and enfolds her tightly in his arms.]

I'm sorry. And thank you.

[She makes a soft sound of relief on seeing him emerge, but the hug comes as a surprise, and his words even more so. Startled, it takes her a moment before her arms come up and she hugs him close, pressing her lips to his shoulder and closing her eyes tightly against the unexpected sting of tears.

Taking a breath, she shakes her head, murmuring quietly.]

Don't. It's all right - I understand. Are you...?

['Are you okay' is such a useless question, but she isn't sure how to rephrase it.]

[Koizumi keeps his arms around her, though whether to give comfort or to take it is a mystery. His voice is steady, though, and he's almost eerily calm. He smiles and sadly shakes his head - speaking softly, still holding her in his embrace.] Of course not. I'm not all right. How could I be?

This place has torn me down so many times I no longer even recognize myself. But what other choice do we have than to keep on walking?

[Shame and guilt flare hot and sharp in the pit of her stomach, running red in her ears and across her face. Of course he wasn't. What an idiotic thing to say. Her finger tighten briefly in his shirt, but relax again almost immediately. She's here for him. Not for her. He shouldn't ever have to carry her burdens, and especially not now.]

I'm sorry.

[It comes out in a whisper, and she restates it a little louder.]

I'm sorry. I should have come to you in person, not told you like that, over the Network. It wasn't fair to you. I mean, none of it is. This whole stupid place--! But I could have at least been there for you, and I wasn't. I'm sorry.

It's not your fault, Sheska. Don't apologize. To be honest, I might have run anyway. I didn't... didn't know how to face it.

[He hesitated, the sentence showing a crack in his otherwise perfect composure. However admirably he collected himself, he is not as in control as he seems to be. There's still an ocean of sorrow and anguish roiling under the surface, and it wouldn't take much to break the dam once again.

An edge of vulnerability creeps back into his voice.] Could you... say you won't leave me? Please?

I know it's not something you can just decide. I know it's a promise you can't keep. I just... I just need to hear it anyway.

[She opens her mouth, on the verge of refuting it... but then he asks that and for a moment she loses the ability to speak entirely. Stifling a noise that sounds suspiciously like it was going to be a sob, she hugs him closer than ever, sliding a hand up into his hair and leaning up on her toes to get her mouth as close to his ear as possible.]

I won't. Not ever. I'm not leaving you here.

[She knows precisely how much he needs to hear it. Even if he does know how useless a promise it is. Because it's something she's needed to hear too. She just doesn't have the courage to ask it. Words just keep tumbling out, and she can't seem to stop them.]

I won't. I can't do that! I'll fight every minute if they try to take me. I'm not letting you go this alone.

[Tears run unheeded down her cheeks and thicken her voice so that her last few phrases come out in a whisper.]

I'm staying right here. With you.

[Koizumi lets out a shuddering breath, feeling a tension leave him. Objectively, he knows the promise has little to no bearing on what will happen - and it doesn't matter. It calms him anyway, and he holds her tighter. So much has been lost, so much is uncertain - but with Aisling and Sheska with him, he'll carry on. He'll make it through.

He closes his eyes with a whispered reply.] Thank you.

[Then he pulls back a little, enough to look her in the eye, hands remaining firmly on her shoulders. His voice is quiet, but has a calm assurance, a quiet certainty it had been missing for months.] And there is nothing in the world, Sheska, nothing at all, that could make me leave you either.

Nothing. Not now, not ever. I promise.

[It's the certainty, more than anything, that catches her hard in the solar plexus and leaves her breathless. Not the thanks for her stupid gesture. Not the echo of another tall, angular man's words to similar effect. It's the certainty.

Here is the first solid, true indication that he's recovering.

She presses shaking hands over her mouth, trying not to break down entirely with this weird mix of joy and terror pulsing painfully in her chest. She stares at him for a minute... and then the spell breaks.

She can't speak, not a sound, but busies herself with dashing away her tears and trying to catch her breath. Finally she manages to clear her throat just enough to murmur.]

Oh, I... I brought... I wasn't sure if you'd want it now or later.

[Out of the thneed bag at her hip, she carefully extracts a pristine packet with CLASSIFIED stamped across the front. It's thin, with a bulge in it near the bottom and a tag hanging from the clasp that he would recognize as an evidence locker number. She holds it gently, almost hesitantly, biting her lip and wondering if this is going to make him run again.]

[Koizumi's smile fades, and his eyes go wide as he stares at the packet. The calm and the certainty are gone, vanished as if they had never been. His arms fall carelessly from her shoulders, and he freezes, his breathing becoming uneven. He swallows hard, saying nothing.

He'd forgotten she'd said Lin had left him something. He hadn't registered it at the time, engulfed by shock and grief. The grief is still there, but it's familiar, and the shock had receded. It's back full force, now.

He doesn't know what she could have said, what she might have left him. Whatever it is, he's hard pressed to imagine this will make it any easier - but it'll only get worse from here, now he knows it exists. Their relationship had been so complicated, this last year and a half. It's impossible to know what she could have to say. What she really thought about him. Some of the things she could have written, he doesn't want to hear. Others would make it harder to let go, to accept that she's gone.

All of them would be painful.

He has to take it. If he doesn't, it'll haunt his every moment, that much is obvious. Still...

He's terrified. He couldn't have said why; it was a feeling beyond knowing, beyond reason - but it was all encompassing. He doesn't want to open it, doesn't want to know. He can't move forward, is too frightened to take it - but at the same time he can't look away. He's blind to everything around him, nescient to the passage of time. He begins to tremble, his breathing now ragged.]

Edited 2014-06-18 01:34 (UTC)

[Sheska pales, alarmed by the sudden change in him. She was wrong. She should have waited. Should have...

Holding the packet close, as though she can hide it there, she reaches up with one hand to brush back his fringe and press her warm palm to his bloodless cheek.]

Koizumi? Itsuki! Itsuki, please, come back! You don't have to deal with it now! Or at all, if you'd rather not. Itsuki?

[Koizumi takes another couple ragged breaths. He hears Sheska calling his name, but it only slowly sinks in. Eventually, after she's gone fearfully quiet for a couple moments, he manages to tear his gaze from the package, looking back up at her. He wants to smile, to reassure her - but for now that is utterly beyond him.] I... I'm here.

[His eyes start to flicker down again, but he catches himself, holding Sheska's gaze instead - drawing strength from it.] No, I... I do have to. I have to face it.

[Nevertheless, he makes no move to do so - he just stands there, trying to breath deeply while looking at Sheska with wide eyes.]

[ Light-headed relief eases anxiety's strangle hold on her heart, but they're not out of the woods yet. He's too pale. Too distant, still. Too lost. ]

You... You should really sit down.

[ Unable to tear her eyes from his, she reaches out blindly to find his hand and take it, offering him another point of contact, another way to keep himself in the present moment. ]

Please? Sit down a moment first? It can wait a bit. It isn't going to change now.

[He takes a deep breath when she takes his hand, squeezing hers rather more forcefully than he realizes. After a long moment, he nods, before looking away. Without a word, he lowers himself to the ground, folding into a cross-legged stance.

Silence reigns for a full minute before he speaks - completely open and sincere, for once.] I'm not...

I don't know what it's going to say. Maybe it's just business, something top secret, some task she needs someone she trusts to take care of. If not - well, I have to hear it. But in the end, I have no idea what she thought of me. And I'm afraid that one way or the other, this is going to hurt a lot.

[ It hurts, but she doesn't wince, letting him have what he needs to get himself back on something resembling an even footing. Still, she sends a breath of thanks to whatever might be listening as she sits with him.

And then he begins speaking.

Sheska has never been very good at hiding her emotions. It's simply not a trait she's ever been able to learn. So when she realizes that she's being offered a look into what he's actually thinking and feeling, her eyes widen a little and her lips part with wonder. She's so used to her friends keeping their own council until she accidentally guilt-trips it out of them that this comes as a little bit of a shock, and certainly a rare gem to be cherished, even if its presence causes a sharp ache under her ribs.

Biting her lip, she thinks back on what the Chief told her, trying to find something to reassure him. ]

She... didn't really say what's in it, but I know that she updated it from time to time. But if you're worried that she was angry or upset with you, or that she disliked you.

[ She shakes her head with more confidence than he's seen from her since she was out dancing. ]

Chief Beifong liked you. You may have had some arguments, but she trusted you. She listened to you. You were the only one who could convince her to rest, remember? If she needed something done, and done right the first time, you were the one she called on. Whatever is in here? It won't be her being angry with you.

That's not it. [Koizumi shakes his head insistently, though he doesn't elaborate immediately. Whether or not she liked him or was angry with him really isn't the issue. He's silent for another long moment, staring off into space, trying to gather his thoughts and keep calm.

It's a struggle to collect his thought, but it's a lot harder to articulate them. Eventually, he continues, when he finally pinpoints what it all comes down to.] ...I'm afraid.

I'm afraid she'll tell me she returned my feelings. And I'm afraid... she'll tell me she didn't.

[Her confusion breaks and comprehension dawns.

Oh! Oh. ...Oh.

Fleetingly, she's glad that she's so tired. It blunts the pain and allows her to push it back without letting too much of it show. Instead she takes brief moment to break eye contact and think. But she doesn't have any answers for him. He needs her and once again she is useless to him. Slowly she shakes her head.]

I don't know. It's for you, so I never looked at it. I'm sorry. But if you'd like me to sit with you while you read it, I will.

I... I don't know.

[His voice is small and fearful. His lower jaw trembles and he works to swallow again, then glances around them.]

Maybe... maybe we could walk down to the beach? I'm not ready... to be alone yet.

[He says it quietly, uncertain - and he doesn't emphasize or clarify the multiple meanings of the last words.]

[Her heart breaks anew for him, and she reaches out to curl warm fingers around his.]

Of course. I'm really did mean that I'm not leaving you. I won't go unless you want me to. I promise. And we don't have to go anywhere. Not yet.

[ It was a weird sort of time, there, for a while, for Aisling, with a "family" and a sibling and Lydia being a dog, but she'd played along and had fun, for the most part. Not being able to visit the forest as often was a pain, though, and she was glad to be back. What she had not been expecting was to feel a wave of grief and despair from a familiar source come running headlong into her forest.

In a trice, she turns heads directly for him, angling her course to intercept his. As she drew closer, she dropped to the forest floor and between one breath and the next four paws hit the loam as she whisked between trees to go find him. ]

[Koizumi had plunged into the forest, heedless of everything but his own grief. He has lost a lot of people during his tenure here, but the last few months have been a literal hell for him, and this loss cuts deeper than most. First Kyon and Haruhi, then Aqua, and now Lin too. The four most important people in his world, as well as most of the people he had only begun to look to as friends.

He comes to a tree on the edge of a clearing, no longer able to see through his tears, and falls to his knees against it. Dully, he remembers Sheska had mentioned Julie too. And Carol, though he doesn't even feel that blow next to the ones that had come before.

His silent tears start to become less silent. He stays there, oblivious to the world, just sobbing helplessly in shock and grief.]

[It doesn't take long to find him. She pauses in the clearing, watching for a moment and keenly aware of the parallels of the situation. Slowly, she steps forward, till she can reach out and nose his shoulder with a soft whine.]

[Without a pause, Koizumi turns and throws his arms around her neck, burying his face and sobbing helplessly into her fur. He's not even sure if it's Aisling or one of the other wolves he's clinging to, but he doesn't care. It's not important to him. Not now. Not even if the wolf takes this as an attack and retaliates.

Honestly, that would almost be a relief. Focusing on a lesser pain would help him to ignore the impact of the greater one.]

Edited 2014-06-16 00:50 (UTC)

[The sudden hug takes her by surprise, and she huffs softly as his arms land hard around her throat, but she stands steady for him.

Now it's her turn.

Snuggling close, she sits down and slips one forepaw about his waist to hold him closer. Her nose tips down to rest against the back of his shoulderblade. She can be there as long as he needs her to be. She can wait.]

[Koizumi cries for a long time - deep, wracking sobs that just don't end. Slowly, his grip on her fur loosens, until he lets go altogether, sliding down to lay his forehead heedlessly against the ground.

His crying is quieter, now.]

[For a moment she sits beside him, undecided, and then steps behind the tree, re-emerging as a young girl to come sit cross-legged beside him. A tiny palm touches lightly between his too-sharp shoulderblades, rubbing gently in small circles.]

Eairrdsidh, you're safe here. Tell me.

[He doesn't respond for a long time, continuing to quiet under her hands. Eventually, when he's stopped shaking and been silent for a while, he sits up and looks at her. He doesn't bother to wipe the tears from his eyes.

He tries to say something, but speaking causes him to cough. After a moment, he clear his throat and tries again.]

Lin.

[Lin. One word, nothing more. His voice is hoarse, and full of a grief even he could barely comprehend, a grief beyond his years. And yet, when he eyes search hers out, he only looks lost. Lost and small, sad and vulnerable. He has no place in the world, and he continues to lose everything that is dear to him.

He says nothing more about her, but after a long moment, he continues.] And Julie. Carol.

[She stands as he sits up, so as to be on an even level. Reaching out, she smooths his fringe away from his forehead, his hurt echoed in her face.

These names didn't mean much to her, especially outside of a context with him, but... His grief is so sharp and intense, and she understands it intimately.

Looking into his face, she feels so old. She has carried such burdens for years, only to have them renewed and reopened time and time again, and he has had them in such quick succession. Before he could even remotely heal from the last ones. For a moment the lines of her face shift ever so slightly, reflecting the barest hint of the queen she will one day become. But it's only a brief glimpse, easily attributed to tear-blurred vision as she steps forward to take his face in both hands and tip it down enough that she can kiss his forehead before hugging him about the neck.]

I'm sorry.

[Koizumi lets out a shuddering breath, tears glistening on his cheeks. He feels the warmth of her presence, but it's a small comfort against the storm - and it brings the awareness that she, too, could disappear from his life, and just as suddenly.

At that thought, he feels a wave of mindless terror. His eyes unfocus and he puts his arms around her and holds her to him tightly, as if he could prevent her from being taken from him.

After a long moment, he lets out an anguished whisper.]

Don't leave me.

[Her eyes open wide, hearing in his words an echo of the agony of so many times, past and future. Her grasp tightens fiercely as his fear washes over her to mingle with her own desperation and remembered panic. She shakes her head a little, leaning into him and growling quietly.]

Never. Not if I can help it.

[Softening, she eases back to something less than a near chokehold and noses his ear gently.]

I'm here, Aiden. It's all right.

[He closes his eyes when her grasp tightens around him - her words and her touch gradually sooth his fear. His awareness returns, and eventually he pulls back entirely, looking up at her. He feels like he should be empty - he's cried so much, felt so deeply that surely there could be nothing left. But though his eyes produce no fresh tears, his sorrow is entirely undiminished.

He shakes his head slowly, as if to shake off the feeling. He's in control again, but the hurt is no less. He doesn't know how to handle it.

He looks at Aisling closer - at once both a child and an ancient creature, who has lost more than he has ever known. He sees the majesty in her, the quiet, enduring strength he could never hope to match.

He turns his lost eyes upon hers, seeking comfort, seeking answers.]

How... how do you bear it?

[She gives him a smile, a little quirk twisting it from it's usual cheeky charm, and tilts her head a little as if to shrug.]

One day at a time. With help from my friends. Where would I be now, if you hadn't come to me that day?

[A shake of her head makes her hair flow like a river of liquid moonlight.]

Not here... Not sane. Not able to come comfort you in return. One day at a time. And gradually you learn how to shoulder it better. It is no less painful to think about. But you learn to carry it and remember them with pride as well as tears.

Sometimes your friends give you purpose. And sometimes you have to find it for yourself.

[He listens to her words, careful and intent.] It seems to me as if each day only brings more sorrow. I'm not sure I've had a chance to learn.

And... I don't even know who I am, anymore. Not without... [His voice chokes up for a moment, and he swallows hard.] Not without Haruhi.

Not without Kyon, either, and Aqua, and Lin. Without Julie, and all the rest.

[He shakes his head, then smiles sadly at her, reaching out a hand to absently brush a strand of hair behind her ear.]

I'm glad I was able to help. I'm just not sure I'll manage to hold up as well. I'm not as strong as you are.

That's why you come here, isn't it? To find a place where it is safe, and you don't have to be strong. To perhaps be with someone who cares.

[One hand drifts up to tighten around her tunic where something on a necklace rests on her breastbone. A weary calm settles about her eyes.]

It takes time. Sometimes a lot of time. Which this place doesn't like to give us.

[Her voice goes a little flat and cold on the phrase, but it doesn't last.]

But we do have time. And you don't need to be strong on your own. That's why we have each other.

Maybe. I don't know why I came. I just knew that I couldn't stay.

[His eyes glance down to her necklace, but they don't linger - he's seen it before, but it means nothing to him. He closes his eyes as he feels her gravid calm, the comforting strength of her presence.

A small smile graces his face.] Someone who cares. Yes. For now, yes. We have each other for now. Thank you, spiorad beag. I just...

[He pauses, then his smile turns sad and he shakes his head. Whatever he had been about to say is a mystery.]

I'm grateful that you're here for me. I simply hope it's enough.

[ Surprise and pleasure at the nickname gives way to a flash of fierce determination even as she keeps her voice gentle and calm. ]

We'll make it enough. We'll find a way. What matters is that you know it, and that you are willing to take the first step.

[ She holds out one small, white hand for him to take, a warm, understanding smile on her face. ]

[Koizumi nods seriously, though he's not sure whether or not he can believe it. That's not really what's important - not right now, anyway.

He stares at her hand for a long moment when she offers it, before taking it with another smile - almost shy, this time, trusting, though there's more purpose in it that she's seen for months.] If you'll show me the path, I'll do my best to follow it.

[ She squeezes his hand, then lets hers slip through his till she could clasp his wrist in the old manner, as warriors did when greeting one another. ]

We'll walk it together.

[ Clear-eyed, she watches, gauging his mental state as best she can.

There's something else she can do. But is he in a good mind to be able to accept it in good conscience? Sharp in her mind is the image of another's memory, and a Koizumi far more broken than this pledging his fealty when his Lady ascended.

She could offer him that. She could give him a purpose and a strength that he sorely needs. But would that be best for him? Would that be defeating the Dark One's influence, or simply delaying it? No. He can do this without her aid, and they will both be stronger for it.

She flashes her bright grin, suddenly a child again. ]

Come on! Let's find something to cheer you up! Then you should go back, but not yet.

[It's strange, Koizumi thinks idly as he sees the child appear in Aisling once again, to occupy such disparate roles in a person's life, so quickly interchanged. But then, Koizumi's used to that sort of thing - only it's usually him shifting personality, to fit the other person's needs. Aisling's a more unpredictable force in his life - but he welcomes that gladly. Such sad wisdom and such energetic playfulness - it's hard to imagine how they can so easily coexist, but Koizumi is simply thankful they can.

They spend an hour or so together, and Aisling does in fact manage to raise his spirits some, though he stay quiet and subdued. It's not too long, however, before Koizumi thinks of Sheska and bades Aisling farewell, turning back toward the city.

You may remove John Watson from the list of people whose
friends must be notified.

He's back? But then, he should have the surgery!

Oh, but he doesn't know. Mr. Holmes, I'd rather he have it, but I don't think he would accept it from, well, a stranger. Would it be all right if I transferred the deed to you? Then you could give it to him when you thought best.

No need. He'll ask you for it when he's ready.

...All right. Thank you, Sir.

And thank you for telling me he's returned. I deeply appreciate it.

(no subject)

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