THIS SURE IS FUCKING SOMETHING

[ihateyouetc]

OK, THIS ISN'T MY FIRST CONTRETEMPS WITH THE CULMINATION OF CATASTROPHIC AND CEASELESS FUCK-UPS THAT COMPRISE ALPHA-ME'S MISERABLE CONTINUED EXISTENCE ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL THAT ISN'T LOST IN THE FURTHEST RING, SWIMMING SOMEWHERE IN THE DREAMS OF ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS
AND IT PROBABLY WON'T BE MY LAST, BUT THAT SAID
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
I'VE BEEN CONDUCTING SOME RESEARCH
WHAT I'VE FOUND ISN'T PROMISING
I MEAN, THIS COMPUTER IS OK
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS SOME OTHERS I'VE SEEN
BUT ANYTHING ELSE IS PRETTY MUCH SHIT.
THIS IS THE MOST LACKLUSTER EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING APPROXIMATING A "LIFE" I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED
SO WHENEVER HE GETS BACK HERE
I'M GOING TO BE A GENEROUS GUY AND GO OUT OF MY WAY TO POINT OUT HIS INCREDIBLE FUCK-UPS.

EXHIBIT 1



OUT OF ALL THE MISTAKES, THIS ONE MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPRESSIVE YET.
WHAT THE FUCK?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
ALPHA-ME, YOU'RE ASSOCIATING WITH SOMEONE WHO USES PAPYRUS.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN?

EXHIBITS 2 - 4







EXHIBITS 5 - 8







WOW, NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE THAT IMAGE!

EXHIBITS 9 - 10







EXHIBIT 11



DUDE, NO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WATCHED A MOVIE THAT WAS AS BIG OF A PIECE OF SHIT AS THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE IT IS.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE COME EARLY!
I'M LIKE THE BIG RED VACATION ASSHOLE UP IN HERE.
STEP OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAY, IT'S KARKAT SANTAS.



OH A MYSTERIOUS FOLDER TITLED "FJDKFSDJKFLSDKLFJSDF" AFTER YOU CLICK THROUGH A FOLDER CALLED "DONT CLICK THIS" AND THEN A FOLDER CALLED "SERIOUSLY DONT CLICK THIS" AND THEN ONE CALLED "FUCK YOU WHY ARE YOU CLICKING THIS" THEN YOU GET TO CHOOSE BETWEEN "FUCK" AND "NO."
"FJDKFSDJKFLSDKLFJSDF" WAS IN THE "NO" FOLDER BY THE WAY.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE IN IT?



WOW! LET'S GET A SAMPLE OF THESE STERLING MESSAGES ON THIS OUTDATED COMPUTER THAT SOMEHOW RUNS SHOCKINGLY WELL, WHICH GIVES ME THE IMPRESSION YOU SOMEHOW GOT SOLLUX TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU WHEN YOU'RE A TREMENDOUS JACKASS WHO DOES NOTHING BUT WASTE A LOT OF FUCKING SPACE.

OK, ON TO THE SAMPLES!

FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WRITE THIS
FUCKING KILL ME
GET TO THE FUCKING POINT
FDGJHGFKSD
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
I FUCKING QUIT
NNNGH
UGH
OH GOD
AUGH
JOHN
FUCK YOU
GJHKLFJSDF

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REMARKABLE "FRIENDSHIP"!
OH BY GOLLY, THIS IS ALL WATER BENEATH THE "FRIENDSHIP SUSPENSION"
CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS, ALPHA KARKAT VANTAS
YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO US ALL.
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS GUY DIDN'T DIE
HE'S NOT EVEN GOD TIER
HOW IN THE FUCK IS THIS GUY EVEN STILL ALIVE?
I MEAN
I GUESS ALL THE ARADIAS WANDERING AROUND EXPLAIN THAT
I THINK THERE ARE MORE ARADIAS THAN ANYBODY ELSE
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN MORE ROBOTS IN ONE PLACE
EXCEPT LIKE IN EQUIUS'S CREEPY FUCKING DEATH CAGE
YEAH, I WANDERED INTO ONE OF THOSE
SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT FUCKING BUBBLE
I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THAT ONE FAST ENOUGH
HOLY SHIT.
ANYWAY
IN CONCLUSION:

Comments

[ihateyouetc]

UH, IN GENERAL.
NOT "HERE" HERE.
I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY WE'RE HERE.

GOD DAMMIT DOOMED KARKAT STOP BEING SO CUTE

[riseup]

maybe it's a vacation?

MORE THINGS FOR JOHN TO THINK ABOUT LATER. ONCE UPON A TIME, KARKAT COULD HAVE BEEN A DECENT GUY!!!

[ihateyouetc]

EXCELLENT THINKING.
LET ME EXTEND MY PRAISE AND THANKS TO THE ALARMING, INTIMIDATING, AND EXTREMELY MISSHAPEN GODS OF THE FURTHEST RING FOR THIS JOLLY RECREATIONAL JAUNT INTO WHEREVER THE FUCK WE ARE
NEW MORAY OR SOMETHING?
WHATEVER THE FUCK A MORAY IS
IT SOUNDS STUPID
OR LIKE A FUCKING FISH
WHICH I GUESS IS FITTING SINCE THIS IS AN ISLAND YOU CAN'T GET OFF OF????

he already is a decent guy, just a different kind of decent.

[riseup]

HE'S ACTUALLY KIND OF BRAVE??? IT'S WEIRD.

[ihateyouetc]

JEGUS FUCK
WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THAT???????????????

stop i don't want more feelings about this

[riseup]

a moray eel.
they always look like they just told a joke and are waiting for someone to laugh.

GUESS THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET A VERSION OF YOURSELF THAT'S OK WITH FACING THEIR OWN DEATH.

[ihateyouetc]

DUDE
NO
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY'RE GOING TO FUCKING EAT YOU
LOOK AT THIS SHIT

FUCK THOSE THINGS

stopppppppppppppp

[riseup]

this one doesn't get the joke.

I'M JUST SAYING. JEEZ.

[ihateyouetc]

OHHHH SHIT
IT BETTER LOOK OUT
THIS ONE IS REALLY FUCKING PISSED NOW

[riseup]

what do you call a fish with no eyes?
a fsh.

[ihateyouetc]

THAT WAS THE SHITTIEST JOKE.
THIS GUY IS GOING TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP

YOUR SHIT IS SO FUCKED, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
IT'S LIKE HE TOOK YOUR SHIT AND THREW IT ON LAND
AND IT CAN ONLY BREATHE WATER
AND WAITED FOR THE TIDE TO RISE AND TAKE IT BACK IN SO HE CAN SINK HIS FUCKING TUSKS INTO IT
HE'S GOING TO END THIS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS JOKE "ENDURANCE RUN" ONCE AND FOR ALL
OR MAYBE IT'S A SHE???
I DON'T KNOW
HOW DO YOU EVEN TELL
THESE THINGS ALL LOOK THE SAME

[riseup]

no, come on!
how can you hurt a face like this?

[ihateyouetc]

OK THIS ASSHOLE CONCEDES
SINCE CONSUMING THAT IRRITATING IDIOT MIGHT MAKE IT COME DOWN WITH A TERMINAL CASE OF TERRIBLE TOMFOOLERY AND ACQUIRE AN AWFUL SENSE OF HUMOR.
HE'S JUST GOING TO MAKE THIS FACE AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY
AND TELL HIS FRIENDS NOT TO TALK TO THIS GUY.

[riseup]

two can play at the stupid face game!