#06 [ audio ]

[ontheropes]

[ The recording is in Russian, spoken very seriously and unemotionally. ]

I am awaiting further orders.

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[ontheropes]

[ He scoffs. Nan? American endearment for a grandmother or grandmother figure, it meant nothing to him. Such nonsense-

-keep an eye on Steve, he's- take care of- he's- I'm so proud of you both-

The knife retracts and his pupils go wide, nearly turning his iris black. His head wilts a bit, as if he's reliving it. ] N...

[originalavenger]

[ Yes! That's it! ] She'd give us money -- not much, but it was enough to go see the talkies. And she'd just laugh when you'd do somethin' like get flour all over the kitchen or rip your pants tryin' to impress the girls.

[ontheropes]

[ He was still in it, as if he'd gone into some dissociative state.] You got sick all the time... you were... so small.

[originalavenger]

[ He's grinning now, and leans down to rest their foreheads together. ] Yeah. If I got cold in the winter, you'd crawl into the bed next to me to make sure I stayed warm.

[ontheropes]

Always getting into trouble... [ His forehead feels hot and sticky with sweat, he's trembling now. His head feels like it's going to split in two, all the years of being Winter Soldier now having to compete with who he was before. His conditioning and therapy and time couldn't stand a chance with Steve right there. ] Had to keep an eye on you...

[originalavenger]

And now I'm keeping an eye on you.

[ontheropes]

[ His breathing is ragged but his pupils finally go back to normal and he looks up. And he didn't know what to do.

He didn't want to believe and yet it did at the same time. He had never known who was before, it wasn't important, he had his orders. But if this man really was from his past and all of this was true-

He looks away, his voice bitter. ] If this is all true, what do you hope to accomplish?

[originalavenger]

What? [ He's confused, not because he doesn't have an answer, but because he's surprised Bucky doesn't already know. ] The only thing I want is my best friend back.

[ontheropes]

[ He scoffs. ] Would you want him back? After all I've done? Could he ever even come back?

[originalavenger]

He came back to me before.

[ontheropes]

[ He snarls at that, wanting to snap his neck again for a whole different reason. How could someone be this idealistic? ] Even after I killed people only because I was ordered? Man, woman, child, if they told me to put a bullet in it's head I did it. Is that your 'best friend Bucky?'

[originalavenger]

No. But you were used, right? You were made a tool, a thing that had no feeling.. [ And he glances over to that metal hand. ] They took Bucky away. They took you away and put someone else in your place.

[ontheropes]

Like you know what I've done, or could begin to understand it. [ His hands twitch again and his head drops slightly as his eyes glaze over again, as more things bubble back to the surface. ] Why would you make me have a conscience?

[originalavenger]

[ He has to laugh a little, self deprecating. ] Sorry. I'm selfish, I guess.

[ontheropes]

[ He wasn't expecting that and barks out something between a laugh and a sob. ] I've destroyed so much, Steve. So much.

[originalavenger]

[ And Bucky-- because Steve is sure it's him now-- is pulled into a hug, a tight one, like from when they were kids. ] Not you. You didn't have a say.

[ontheropes]

[ Is it? He's both and he's neither. He's angry and heartbroken, ashamed of himself and what he's done. He's never felt this before. Has he? Is this Bucky? Does he stop being Winter Soldier and become Bucky when he feels regret?

He finds himself holding Steve in return. ] I think it was after the... [ He has to think. ] The train. That I became this.

[originalavenger]

What happened? What'd they do to you? I'm sorry, Bucky. I'm so sorry.

[ontheropes]

[ He's fully lucid now, finding himself confessing all he was ever told and programmed to keep secret. ] It was the Soviets. They conditioned me to be their assassin. Put me in stasis between missions. I couldn't... I wasn't supposed to have emotions. [ Emotions? ] But there was Natalia...

[originalavenger]

Natalia? [ Steve raises an eyebrow, and pulls away a little bit. He glances around and spots a bench, and all but drags Bucky over to it, sitting them both down. ]

[ontheropes]

[ He collapses on the bench and looks down at his hands as he speaks. ] Natalia Romanova. I trained her and I... had feelings for her. [ He pauses, clenching and unclenching his fists. He's looking at his synthetic arm like it was the first he's ever seen it. ] They punished us both for it.

[originalavenger]

Natalia Romanova... Huh. That sounds kind of like--[ His brain comes to a screeching halt, skids off the road, and careens down the ravine. ] Natasha?!

[ontheropes]

[ He looks at him, brows knit in confusion. ] How could you know her?

[originalavenger]

She's.. she's a friend of mine. It's not important right now, sorry. Why would they punish you for that?

[ontheropes]

It wasn't allowed. [ He looks back at his hands and drops them into his lap. ] I'm not allowed to feel.