[Audio over both the radio waves and network] News Report: 01

[listenersgoodnight]

"Congratulations!" reads the sign in your lawn. A blinking arrow is pointing to a deep hole in the earth. You feel rumbling or nothing.

Welcome to New Moore.

[Well, hello, hello. Listen to that luxuriously deep and sardonic voice, smooth as silk and hefty enough to carry away all possible distractions from your attention.]

For those wondering why this broadcast is being sent over both the radio and the network, it is simply a matter of publicity and the decline of home FM units. I am your humble radio host, Cecil, here to inform New Moore citizens about any and all news-worthy events, information, and people. From here on out, expect the news on a one-, bi-, tri-, or quatrad-weekly basis. I have set up my own personal radio station in an undisclosed location within the city, which helps to guarantee that citizens have access to the news on time, every time, and in the highest quality possible. Now that you know who I am and what this broadcast is for, onto the news.

Last week, citizens experienced a rather untimely surprise, as many of the residents were possessed by or replaced with their future selves. There is no explanation for this time lapse, this rift in the dimensional clock. While most citizens have either reverted or returned to normal, a few have not. I am sad to report that none of our invisible citizens have returned from whatever limbo their future selves bumped them to. Or perhaps they have. It's difficult to say, as they are, obviously, impossible to see with the naked eye. Perfectly visible but difficult-to-reach experts predict that another "event", not unlike this one or other past horrors, will occur anywhere from one to three weeks from now. So stock up, prepare, and remember: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, upon later discovery, you can still tell the age of the tree by the rings and teeth inside the trunk.

And now for Community Health Watch! Scientists are now warning against the dangers of sharing beds. "Why, Cecil?" you may ask, confused as to how sharing the warmth of a furry friend or loved one could cause harm. Allow me to urgently tell you the findings of this brand new study: poisonous scorpions have found their way into New Moore, and due to the all-encompassing gloom in their hearts, are bunking up in those doubly-warm beds, seeking the happy radiance of a pair's bond and a toasty place to rest until their dying day. While I am all for animals rights and including animals in all areas of our lives, we must remember that scorpions will sting anything that moves... including those in the bed. Do not risk your life and the life of a loved one by bunking together. Do the smart thing and sleep separately in completely different rooms, preferably in different buildings. That is the only way to assure your safety.

...I have just been handed a letter by one of our local scientists, who was ever so kind enough to stop by to help me keep you, listeners, informed. It turns out the scorpions are particularly attracted to people with blond and/or unusually colored hair, like, say, dusty ocean blue. There is a formula describing the reasons why, however, most of it has been blotted out with what looks to be coal and the blood of a vulture.

...

This has been community health watch.

I recently spoke with one of our local residents, Marceline Abadeer, about the events that plague our happy, liberal burgh. She believes the strange events in New Moore aren't so bad. Quote, "I like all the screaming and confusion. That was fun." Yes, it was fun, Marceline. I think we can all agree that there's nothing like a bout of chaos to keep the mind fresh and the body able. All events are fun.

All events. Are fun.

And now... the weather. [Instead of words, the show cuts to this song.]

In other news, there seems to be a bit of a debacle with brand names in New Moore. As in, there is no way to tell whether a store or product here actually belongs to big business or whether the name is nothing but a front, existing only in one, meager realm of reality. If you allow me to go off record here, I think every single person should open up a brand name store or restaurants here, one that was well known across their home world. That way, we can compare the stores are see how many exactly the same (thus proving said store is a true brand name). Yes, we may end up with ten Subways and just one other deli eatery, but that is a community investment we need to make.

To end tonight's broadcast, I'd like to remind all citizens to report any suspicious, interesting, personal, deadly, or news-worthy information you may encounter in the next week. Such input will help to keep the news both up to-date and relevant to my listeners!

With that, I bid you adieu; sleep well, sleep tight, sleep separately, sleep knowing that somewhere in your room, there is a poisonous scorpion, just waiting for you to share your bedsheets.

Goodnight, dear listeners. Goodnight.

Comments

[captainkink]

Now you're just targeting me, aren't you.

Sere wanted it. Don't hate the messenger ;w;

[listenersgoodnight]

I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

I laughed

[captainkink]

Uh-huh. Still need help learning the ropes, Mr. Radio Personality?

\o/

[listenersgoodnight]

Quite the contrary. I've been a radio host for years. It's been my career and my life.

I know what I'm doing, but I take pride in not misrepresenting information. Perhaps you should speak to the scientists if you feel their findings are biased.

[captainkink]

Who are these scientists anyway?

[listenersgoodnight]

The one who came to me is called "Larry". Just Larry.

His name tag did not have a surname on it. He said it was because his last name was too long to fit and even more difficult to pronounce.

[thneed]

Nobody needs ten Subways.

[listenersgoodnight]

Yet. Nobody needs ten Subways yet.

[thneed]

I don't think they'd ever need ten.

[listenersgoodnight]

Allow me to ask: why do you believe that?

[thneed]

Too much competition.

[listenersgoodnight]

Ah! So I take it you're a business man in the food industry?

[notjohnsmith]

Isn't the sudden existence of a radio show like this a suspicious event in and of itself?

[listenersgoodnight]

Hardly. I fail to see how my starting a business is any different than, say, someone opening a Subway, to tie back into the report.

This is what I did back home. It is what I'm best at. Thus, it's what I've decided to continue to do.

[miniholmes]

Did you make up the part about the scorpions?

[listenersgoodnight]

Absolutely not. I was approached by the New Moore scientists with their findings; if you have difficulty grasping or believing their claims, I would recommend you take it up with them.

I am simply here to relay information.

[miniholmes]

So you say. But since it's not a video broadcast how do I know you're not lying?

[listenersgoodnight]

How do you know if anyone is lying? Visible or not, anyone could lie and do so successfully, technically speaking.

That being said, I find no satisfaction in lying. However calm I may sound, I am a perpetual open book. I will admit, I am saddened that no other Night Vale citizens are here to vouch for my honesty, especially since the matter is clearly leading some of my listeners to be dissatisfied with the news, and on the first broadcast, at that!

[miniholmes]

That's what detectives are for-to reveal the truth when someone tries to cover it up with a lie.

And it seems pretty hard to believe that scorpions would be attracted to certain hair colors.

[listenersgoodnight]

Then I'm afraid there is no need for a detective, as I am not lying.

Certain species of scorpion are known to have specific colors or glow specific colors to attract the opposite sex. The same holds true for much of the animal kingdom... except for Orangutans. They're just lucky to be orange.

[watersacrificed]

There was no need for a radio host or news broadcast.

[listenersgoodnight]

Excuse you.

That was rude. Horribly rude. I'm deeply hurt.

[And he actually sounds it.]

[watersacrificed]

[dklfjsdlfjsd! No guilt tripping! No!]

I'm sorry to have offended you, but there was no need for that broadcast. [And how did he know that Jim was in her bed?]

[listenersgoodnight]

Are you honestly suggesting that the citizens of New Moore should be kept in the dark about the happenings in their own burgh? Or perhaps you're suggesting that freedom of speech and the freedom to operate a privately-run, voluntary business should be snuffed out.

Regardless of which is the case, I say to you, Madame, I have never stood for such ways of thinking and never will.

To insult the show is one thing. To outright say it has absolutely no purpose existing -especially when there is no other public news source- is both unfathomably close-minded, incredibly fascist, and downright cruel, not only to me as a radio personality -the only career I've ever had and wish to continue, as it's my passion, mind you- but to the city as a whole.

[watersacrificed]

I am suggesting the privacy of our own lives should not be broadcast on the radio. If you want to continue your own show, by all means, but do not drag others and their personal lives into it.