Which do you think is worse? Never waking from your dream, or never being able to dream?

 i will give $200 to the first person who brings me ibuprofen and sunglasses

Who: Everyone.
What: The fancy anniversary/homecoming ball.
When: Saturday evening, November 9th.
Where: Four Saison's Ballroom.



[ You made it to the ball. Presumably, you will have an awesome time and/or be completely miserable.

Through the doors is a giant dancefloor, with a small orchestra on stage. They're playing beautiful music and later in the evening they'll be replaced with a DJ who will then pump up some sick beats. You can be like hot damn that's my jam.

This ball is full of fancy decorations, fine dining, dancing of all sorts, alcohol??, tears, everyone trying to look their best, and Dinkerton wearing a golden crown and high-fiving a crowned Coulson. The tables are circling the dance floor if you're going to sit down the entire time or you need to eat that food. ]

USE THIS POST TO ACTIONSPAM/LOG UP ALL YOUR BALL ACTIVITIES

"The air is crisp. The leaves are changing. It gets dark earlier. It is cold. The leaves have changed so much. Are those fingers?"

Welcome to New Moore.

( [That ominous ditty plays yet again, signaling the start of another well-researched and completely trustworthy news report.] )

The past is a lie. The future is a promise. The present is gift-wrapped in teal and chartreuse, waiting to be opened by ravenous dogs, eager for a meal to satiate their hunger.

Welcome to New Moore.

[Cue brief intro theme.]

As one week shifts into the next, New Moore has found its residents married, divorced, and now mysteriously it is without any documentation of the occurance, has continued on into bigger and better things. For example, this vague-yet-menacing-government-agency mandated heatwave. Listeners, is there nothing more glorious than this heat? There is literally nothing in this world that proves we are alive and well than being drenched in life-saving sweat, the elixir of survival and endurance. Why, it's almost like a taste of home, a bit of Night Vale to blanket New Moore in warm compassion and the subsequent heatstroke. Regardless, we should be thankful for this abundant heat, for many locations in "the real world" do not have access to heat and are a frozen wasteland. Take pleasure in knowing that you are well-kept for, both by the city itself and by the overbearing sun.

However, it is important to expose yourself to said sun wisely. We here at New Moore Community Radio would like to remind everyone to use plenty of sunscreen, replenish bodily fluids, and share the shade trees with our many invisible residents, most of whom have now returned from the past and future. If you bump into an invisible resident, offer to share your water, or perhaps some orange slices, with them, as invisible residents are banned from both the park and grocery stores, and thus have relatively little access water and food.

And now, the news.

Some residents have began to report in about raccoons breaking into their places of work and living. Special city agents have been deployed to see to the problem, but find there is no way to convict or remove any of the furry mammals involved. It seems that these raccoons have no recognizable identifying features, nor do they have fingerprints of any sort. One resident, who asked to keep its name a secret, stated, "It's like... man, it's like they're anonymous. The work of ten of them might just be the work of, like, one. Or the one of them the work of, like, ten. I don't know, man, I don't know. But I don't like it; identities are important, even for animals." Its statement has been disregarded by special city agents, as they believe the hypocrisy of its withheld identity is not something they wish to associate with.

[There's a loud BOOM, followed by the quivering of objects.] I am sorry, listeners, but it looks like the radio station boiler might be overheating. I am going to have to step away from the mic for a while to see if I can't fix it; unfortunately, one of the many perks of being self-employed is that I have no interns nor coworkers to see to the issue. In the meantime, let us go to... the weather.

[The sound cuts out, and instead, there's a song, which plays for several minutes.

Once the music ends, Cecil returns, the noise from earlier is gone.]

Thank you for your patience, listeners. All problems have been resolved.

I repeat: All. Problems. Have been. Resolved.

In other news, Pipsee has released an official statement in regards to "horrified complaints about their soda". Pipsee would like to remind all consumers that, "it's completely normal to hear your favorite song if you record yourself 'aah'-ing after drinking one of our products, and then playing the sound backwards. That's the science of vocal chords, and not something average people need to worry about. Stop thinking. Just keep drinking." I don't know about you, listeners, but after what I've seen here in New Moore, I'm hesitant to argue against science.

I have just been updated in regards to our current heatwave. City officials would like say that the weather will be cancelled on Tuesday.

And now, a word from our automatic, city-mandated sponsors.

[Another recording plays:]

Need a hand? Need two hands? Need two hands holding a fortune cookie with a solution on the inside? Then why not take a trip to Marauding Magic? After all, spells and elixirs are the answer to everything!

Magic-- it's everywhere. Get used to it!

[Cecil returns, just once more.]

We're about out of time, gentle listeners. And as such, I would like to extend a bit of an invitation. New Moore Community Radio will now be hosting shout-outs! If you would like to send a hello, congratulations, a warning, and/or a death threat over the air, please be sure to call in with the message, the recipient's name or names, and your name. Your shout-out will be read during the next news report.

Once again, if you happen across any news-worthy events, please do your part as a responsible citizen of New Moore and report them. Unless you are an anonymous raccoon, in which case, please turn yourself in to either the police or to the numerous special city agents patrolling the streets and the halls of the apartment complexes.

Good night, New Moore. Goodnight.

At long last, a dream of mine has come true. A far off dream I'd only imagined would happen after I'd saved the world with my comrades at my side from the Deboss Army. After I'd wooed a girl with dates and flowers and a moonlit dinosaur ride at night-- I mean, girls like that kind of stuff, right? Oh, and chocolate. At least a mountain of it and maybe a free hamster and--

Actually, that doesn't matter now because Kiryuu Daigo is now married!

"Congratulations!" reads the sign in your lawn. A blinking arrow is pointing to a deep hole in the earth. You feel rumbling or nothing.

Welcome to New Moore.

[Well, hello, hello. Listen to that luxuriously deep and sardonic voice, smooth as silk and hefty enough to carry away all possible distractions from your attention.]

For those wondering why this broadcast is being sent over both the radio and the network, it is simply a matter of publicity and the decline of home FM units. I am your humble radio host, Cecil, here to inform New Moore citizens about any and all news-worthy events, information, and people. From here on out, expect the news on a one-, bi-, tri-, or quatrad-weekly basis. I have set up my own personal radio station in an undisclosed location within the city, which helps to guarantee that citizens have access to the news on time, every time, and in the highest quality possible. Now that you know who I am and what this broadcast is for, onto the news.

Last week, citizens experienced a rather untimely surprise, as many of the residents were possessed by or replaced with their future selves. There is no explanation for this time lapse, this rift in the dimensional clock. While most citizens have either reverted or returned to normal, a few have not. I am sad to report that none of our invisible citizens have returned from whatever limbo their future selves bumped them to. Or perhaps they have. It's difficult to say, as they are, obviously, impossible to see with the naked eye. Perfectly visible but difficult-to-reach experts predict that another "event", not unlike this one or other past horrors, will occur anywhere from one to three weeks from now. So stock up, prepare, and remember: if a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, upon later discovery, you can still tell the age of the tree by the rings and teeth inside the trunk.

And now for Community Health Watch! Scientists are now warning against the dangers of sharing beds. "Why, Cecil?" you may ask, confused as to how sharing the warmth of a furry friend or loved one could cause harm. Allow me to urgently tell you the findings of this brand new study: poisonous scorpions have found their way into New Moore, and due to the all-encompassing gloom in their hearts, are bunking up in those doubly-warm beds, seeking the happy radiance of a pair's bond and a toasty place to rest until their dying day. While I am all for animals rights and including animals in all areas of our lives, we must remember that scorpions will sting anything that moves... including those in the bed. Do not risk your life and the life of a loved one by bunking together. Do the smart thing and sleep separately in completely different rooms, preferably in different buildings. That is the only way to assure your safety.

...I have just been handed a letter by one of our local scientists, who was ever so kind enough to stop by to help me keep you, listeners, informed. It turns out the scorpions are particularly attracted to people with blond and/or unusually colored hair, like, say, dusty ocean blue. There is a formula describing the reasons why, however, most of it has been blotted out with what looks to be coal and the blood of a vulture.

...

This has been community health watch.

I recently spoke with one of our local residents, Marceline Abadeer, about the events that plague our happy, liberal burgh. She believes the strange events in New Moore aren't so bad. Quote, "I like all the screaming and confusion. That was fun." Yes, it was fun, Marceline. I think we can all agree that there's nothing like a bout of chaos to keep the mind fresh and the body able. All events are fun.

All events. Are fun.

And now... the weather. [Instead of words, the show cuts to this song.]

In other news, there seems to be a bit of a debacle with brand names in New Moore. As in, there is no way to tell whether a store or product here actually belongs to big business or whether the name is nothing but a front, existing only in one, meager realm of reality. If you allow me to go off record here, I think every single person should open up a brand name store or restaurants here, one that was well known across their home world. That way, we can compare the stores are see how many exactly the same (thus proving said store is a true brand name). Yes, we may end up with ten Subways and just one other deli eatery, but that is a community investment we need to make.

To end tonight's broadcast, I'd like to remind all citizens to report any suspicious, interesting, personal, deadly, or news-worthy information you may encounter in the next week. Such input will help to keep the news both up to-date and relevant to my listeners!

With that, I bid you adieu; sleep well, sleep tight, sleep separately, sleep knowing that somewhere in your room, there is a poisonous scorpion, just waiting for you to share your bedsheets.

Goodnight, dear listeners. Goodnight.

If you have any items which were stolen, property damage, or persons who went missing during the time-related phenomenon last week, we have officers ready to take your statements at the police station...

Avengers? I humbly request that you check in with Ms. Danvers, as I think we might have something we could use your help on, please.

Thank you for your time.


( [Locked to Ms. Danvers, Mr. Coulson, Ms. Romanova, Mr. Barton] )

See, now that's how you do things right. Crazy people all running around, things exploding, clones or duplicates or whatever. Totally cool. Does this stuff happen a lot? I know that there were some people talking about "events" or whatever, but is it always that algebraic? I can't wait to see what happens next!

( private to Lau )