Christ, has it really been nearly a year since I last did this? Time flies when you're trapped in the Bermuda fucking Triangle, man. I figured it's time for me to have another go at this list cos I've done quite a bit of growing and a bloody huge bit of dying since I've been here. Cheers to that I suppose.

ACCOMPLISHED:
-- Took a nasty spill, impaled by metal fence (chest)
-- Met a shapeshifter bitch, impaled by exposed lavatory pipe (stomach)
-- Savagely beaten in the toilets (blunt force trauma I think it's called? Ask lady-boy cop lady-boy cop proved unhelpful)
-- Smoke inhalation (not a pleasant way to go, for the record)
-- Took a nasty spill, broke neck on stairs
-- Took a nasty spill, fell in gutter (that was a shite weekend)
-- Electrocution, multiple times (this was on the "do it to impress the ladies" list last year, suffice to say it doesn't)
-- Dismembered limb from limb (apparently regeneration does work)
-- Strangled (by other, not self)
-- Disemboweled (NOT. PLEASANT.)
-- Probably loads of other ways, my memories get a bit hazy around that time
-- Drowned during the cruise from hell (in my defence, I was twatted)
-- Does dying in dreams count? Cos Robocop's mum stabbed me
-- Attacked by "shadows" while rescuing Spain from himself (YOU'RE WELCOME)
-- Turned into a zombie on Halloween
-- Bled to death after having cock cut off (YES THIS HAPPENED, YES BELARUS IS STILL ROAMING THE STREETS A FREE WOMAN, WHAT THE FUCK!)

SEEMS LIKE IT'D BE FUN, SHOULD HAVE A GO:
-- Erotic asphyxiation
-- Hanging (I hear it gives you a hard-on! STILL UNCONFIRMED FROM LAST YEAR but no one denied it at least.)
-- Aeroplane crash (what are the odds in this place. Unless those American wankers show up? Y'know the ones on the island.)
-- Overdose

WOULD DO IT TO IMPRESS THE LADIES:
-- Shoot self in the head
-- Something heroic I guess

FUCK NO:
-- Cannibalism
-- Anything involving that bullshit television world ever again
-- Drinking bleach (you aliens are still so incredibly stupid)


Resolutions: only die in impressive ways from now on, NO MORE GHOSTS, quit smoking, find God, build an orphanage, wouldn't it be funny if I was actually serious about these?

I'm dead. I have to be. That is the only explanation for this ... this preposterous nonsense.

[Ianto doesn't appear to be talking to anyone in particular. His phone is resting on a window ledge, slightly skewed view as though it was not intentionally recording. The short haired Welshman was pacing back and forth, one hand on his hip, the other sliding through his hair. Hair full of dust and pieces of debris like his tattered suit. A bruise and a nasty looking cut could just be seen on his cheek when he turned a particular way. He shook his head again and threw his arms up, looking up at the night sky. ]

I'm dead or unconscious and this is all just a dream. A nightmare brought on by too many years doing this job. That has to be it. It has to be.

[His voice cracked a little at the end. He really didn't care about the fiction/nonfiction speal, the fact that his clothes were ruined, the blood running along his chin. He did not even care that this was not Cardiff. No. What really mattered was the memories flashing through his mind from just before he awoke to the lecture. Jack. Jack could survive anything, he said. But there would be nothing left of him after that. Nothing to survive. How could he possibly-

Ianto swallowed a lump in his throat, glancing down at his room assignment. This was all a nightmare. He would wake up from it in Cardiff, and the hub would be there, Jack would be alive, and everything would be okay.]

There are a number of questions a person could ask in this sort of situation, I think. How did this happen, how does one escape, exactly why do doctors seem to believe that telling a group of potentially dangerous individuals that they were once fictional characters is in any way a good idea, etc. As I am certain that someone has already asked said questions, however, and equally certain that the answers are therefore floating around somewhere in the ether, I'll forego that line of questioning.

What I would like to know is whether anyone is aware of which country and/or state has jurisdiction over this island. Or, more to the point, whether holding a group of people against their will is, in fact, legal on this world. Where I'm from, it would not be. But laws differ between planets.

[ a pause. ]

But I've forgotten introductions. My name is Zexion.