Dorna, Eichiki, Minako, Koko, Dino, um...

ah, ....there are a lot of cats. They keep finding me, and, well ...I don't want to put them out. They're all so cute.

I think they want something from me, because they keep making noise. What do cats want aside from food? Should I get them toys? ...Lots, and lots of toys...?

Minato!! You killed all of them!

Yo, Tim. Was just browsing some of your files and I was wondering if you could tell me what all this was?









You know. In the spirit of Valentines and all.

I will not be attending the Host Club's holiday preparation. It is nothing to concern yourselves over. I am just feeling a bit...ah... under the weather.

I am certain you will get along fine without me.

Fujioka, do not allow Suou to go over the budget I laid out previously.

For our lessons on demographics and classification, the social studies teachers and the youth counselor have informed me that my survey on deceased and missing loved ones which sorted fellow students into the Kubler-Ross stages of grieving was invasive and socially unacceptable.

If anyone was distressed by my questionnaire, or by the chart displaying their current temperaments and progress needed to reach acceptance, I am told that I may not attend class again until I apologize.

I apologize.

While neither the island nor the Earth has been destroyed, unless certain questions are answered, the end of this world, to us, is still inevitable. The circumstances dictate it.

It's surprising to me that no-one else has realized this.

EDIT

Because we may not exceed its boundaries, this island must be considered our world. If we accept the separation of the local humankind from the population of the fictional; fictional humankind possesses only twelve percent of a minimum viable population. Unless their biological advantages are extremely different, fictional trollkind has the same limitations.

This indicates that we are the final generation. Only if fictional humans and local humans are cross-compatible does the genetic line of our homeworlds have any chance of propagation. Without that, our worlds will end when we do.

In either case, to avert the end it is imperative that each of us chooses to "act so that the effects of your action are compatible with the permanence of genuine human life."

At.er all that... it's just... nothing happened?

Wow.

I... I don't even know what to do with myself.

The comet is so large now... Coming so close... Teddie's not ready... It's so unfair... I've had such a short time amongst you all... such a short time living a human life... There's so much Teddie hasn't done yet....

To all my friends... Ryoji... Sensei... Yosuke... Alois... Chie-chan... Junpei-kun... John... Kanji-kun... all the sexy ladies I have yet to befriend... Let's make the most of the time we have left.

Maybe the suit will protect me.

Ah... so that when I leave this life in a moment of beautiful devastation, I don't have any unfinished business left behind that would cause me to return as a ghost... I think... there are some things that ought to be said...

Minato-kun, I am very sorry we never got to attend the film festival together. Still, watching movies alone with you was a precious moment I'll be sure to cherish! Despite being indisputably the King of the Host Club, I feel like it was you who started to teach my heart new things!

Naoto-dono, no matter how dramatic and stirring a secret romance must be, in my last hours I must proclaim it from the rooftops! Your cool, aloof manner and impeccable dress have always been admirable things, but what will hold my memory the most is the becoming flush in your cheeks at the moment we had our first and so far only kiss under the mistletoe!

Haruhi-chan... it feels like this is the most difficult to say, but... the closeness I feel for you turns out never to have been the proud regard of a father for a daughter after all, or even a sempai for a kohai! My biggest regret in preparation for the upcoming life is that I realized this too late to confess my true warmer feelings for you! Maybe... maybe our chance for romance will be permitted by the stars again in our next incarnations, on some other world!

Kyouya-kun. You have always been the best of friends to me, and even though I feel like perhaps I have relied on you too much without appreciation, there's nobody but Kyouya-kun who could have made me the man I am today. Arigato, Ohtori Kyouya-san. You will always be the oka-san to my otou-san.

Ryoji-kun. Seta-san. Fellow Hosts and Hostesses. Sharing these unique experiences with you has made them shine brighter in my memory than anything I could have done with less admirable friends. Sayonara.

Well, we're fucked.




Cheers!

[Audio]

Watching human behavior under these circumstances is fascinating.

[From the background comes the sound of excited shouting, profanity, and breaking glass.]

This can't be happening. This can't be happening... Not yet. Please not yet.

Everyone always thinks it's going to happen in their lifetimes... but who ever actually thinks that they're going to be right?

Well... Whatever happens, happens, I guess. There's still a lot that I would like to do but... If this is the end, I'd rather die with dignity making others comfortable than die cowering under a rock somewhere.

So with or without the other hosts, I will ensure that the Host Club stays open to those who need a place to come and find peace with his or her fellow man, and those who need a friend to hold their hands.

I am the Host, Fujioka Haruhi, at your service.

Christ, has it really been nearly a year since I last did this? Time flies when you're trapped in the Bermuda fucking Triangle, man. I figured it's time for me to have another go at this list cos I've done quite a bit of growing and a bloody huge bit of dying since I've been here. Cheers to that I suppose.

ACCOMPLISHED:
-- Took a nasty spill, impaled by metal fence (chest)
-- Met a shapeshifter bitch, impaled by exposed lavatory pipe (stomach)
-- Savagely beaten in the toilets (blunt force trauma I think it's called? Ask lady-boy cop lady-boy cop proved unhelpful)
-- Smoke inhalation (not a pleasant way to go, for the record)
-- Took a nasty spill, broke neck on stairs
-- Took a nasty spill, fell in gutter (that was a shite weekend)
-- Electrocution, multiple times (this was on the "do it to impress the ladies" list last year, suffice to say it doesn't)
-- Dismembered limb from limb (apparently regeneration does work)
-- Strangled (by other, not self)
-- Disemboweled (NOT. PLEASANT.)
-- Probably loads of other ways, my memories get a bit hazy around that time
-- Drowned during the cruise from hell (in my defence, I was twatted)
-- Does dying in dreams count? Cos Robocop's mum stabbed me
-- Attacked by "shadows" while rescuing Spain from himself (YOU'RE WELCOME)
-- Turned into a zombie on Halloween
-- Bled to death after having cock cut off (YES THIS HAPPENED, YES BELARUS IS STILL ROAMING THE STREETS A FREE WOMAN, WHAT THE FUCK!)

SEEMS LIKE IT'D BE FUN, SHOULD HAVE A GO:
-- Erotic asphyxiation
-- Hanging (I hear it gives you a hard-on! STILL UNCONFIRMED FROM LAST YEAR but no one denied it at least.)
-- Aeroplane crash (what are the odds in this place. Unless those American wankers show up? Y'know the ones on the island.)
-- Overdose

WOULD DO IT TO IMPRESS THE LADIES:
-- Shoot self in the head
-- Something heroic I guess

FUCK NO:
-- Cannibalism
-- Anything involving that bullshit television world ever again
-- Drinking bleach (you aliens are still so incredibly stupid)


Resolutions: only die in impressive ways from now on, NO MORE GHOSTS, quit smoking, find God, build an orphanage, wouldn't it be funny if I was actually serious about these?

Happy tidings in the new year.

TO: Ryoji
SUBJECT: Last night...

Feeling better?

[Video.]

[Tamaki is standing between a bouquet of roses and what miiight be a rose bush but makes a more convincing twig. In addition to his usual suit, he has a monogrammed tie pin and cufflinks, and a red and pale blue scarf would around his neck. In his hands, he is holding a half-eaten plate of cookies, and the smile on his face is nothing short of beatific.]

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Ah! Did... did everyone enjoy their presents as much as I enjoyed mine? And have there been any other bona fide Christmas miracles today?