So I notice that everyone seems to think it's way too hot out!

That being the case, I'm going to throw open the doors, and everyone is welcome to come check out the TARDIS swimming pool! I've got lots of towels and swimsuits, if you don't have one of your own to bring. And plenty of rubber ducks!!

Just look for the blue police box in the courtyard, you can't miss it!

I'm sure you all have your reasons, but if it is at all possible to concentrate your violence away from our place of business, it will be very appreciated.

So, hey, who do I talk to about roommate assignments? Because I got an eight year old and that can't be right, right? Shouldn't he be with his mom or something? Or at school? Or anywhere that's not with a man that's at least 20 years olden than him?

Wait, that sounded way creepier than I wanted it to.

[video starts to the sight of nick miller from the streets of chicago, and a bottle of beer in his hand. have fun]

So wait, wait, are you telling me that everything, EVERYTHING in my life UP TO NOW has been fake? Everything???

Oh, so someone decided it would be SO MUCH FUN for me to just go through law school and then just DROP OFF, LIKE THAT, and waste HALF MY LIFE? Or that it would be GREAT for me to just make terrible life decisions and STILL HAVE THREE ROOMMATES WHEN I'M THIRTY? AND THEN JUST RANDOMLY DECIDE TO TELL ME 'OH, BY THE WAY, THIS IS JUST SOME WEIRD JOKE ON YOU, YOU'RE NOT REAL'.

THIS ISN'T FREAKING COOL, MAN!! IT'S THE OPPOSITE OF THAT!

[drinks the rest of his beer and reaches for another one. is that advisable? who knows]

You know what, no, it is cool, it's the freaking coolest. That means that my failure of a life is not my fault! It's just some godly dude with some twisted sense of humor making fun of me. THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES, JACKASS!

[drinks some more and... suddenly looks surprised]

Wait, if everybody from EVERYTHING is here, what does that mean for Z for Zombie? Are there zombies here? Wait, IS THERE A ZOMBIE IN THIS HOTEL? Did I also mess with some poor dude's life? AM I A GOD?