What the fuck is going on?!

And if someone doesn't get this bird away from me, I'm going to scream.

So I notice that everyone seems to think it's way too hot out!

That being the case, I'm going to throw open the doors, and everyone is welcome to come check out the TARDIS swimming pool! I've got lots of towels and swimsuits, if you don't have one of your own to bring. And plenty of rubber ducks!!

Just look for the blue police box in the courtyard, you can't miss it!

Pretending that never happened... who wants cupcakes?

[ it looks like she's almost on the verge of tears ]

Okay. I can deal with monsters and magic and all the other crap that happens in this place because I am a good witch and I handle stuff like that on a regular basis even though I hate it. But you can't -- you can't just annul my marriage like that!

I was married to a great guy, a regular angel, in fact he is one and I fought for him and this stupid place is trying to take that away from me and you can do that! I have rights!

So, totally digging the not knowing if magic or some cool Batman-like tech got us transported here. Not cool to tell the girl who can use magic that she's not real. I mean really? I pull rabbits out of top hats and you're telling me I'm not real. Get another trick, the show's old. Or learn how to make it sound better. I can see all of your strings from here.

Mind telling a girl where she can find her friends? That is, if they're here. With my luck there's some crazy villain pulling the proverbial strings around here and we're all separated.

At least my dad can't ground me for this one.

Does anyone have a map of the island? I need one, ASAP.

Hi, my name is Paige Matthews, nice to meet you, yadda yadda. Seriously. Someone tell me where to get a map.

So! Out of curiosity, what is the major bad stuff that happens around here? Are there any culprits? Is there a good vs evil line I should know about? I mean, what goes bump in the night around here and should I know about it?

[ You see one MEENAH PEIXES performing the ever so rare Troll act of USING VIDEO COMMUNICATION. Of course the video starts with her holding the phone at an odd angle to show herself while making a fish face. OF COURSE. She looks pretty pleased with herself, ignoring the fact she is almost perpetually pleased with herself. ]

Sup, N.M? Got somefin to show you, so you all betta be sitting your basses down tight for this. Got me? Sit down! That's the last warnin' you're gonna get and I'm not in any way liable for any casualties resulting from the upcoming awesome.

[ She flips the video around and a red-and-white themed building comes into view. The building appears to be in perfect, clean condition. The large windows in the front seemed to have a range of baked goods behind them and the the logo right above the door was impossible to miss. ]

Now that I've blown your thinkpans, go ahead and get off the floor, put your pants back on, and get out your cash. B.C. is open for business.

...And on a related note, anymoby want a job at a bakery? Qualifications must include not sucking and listening to me.

( Private to Roxy )

( Private to Vriska )

We're all supposed to get roommate's here, right?

There's another bed here, but no sign of whoever I'm supposed to be with. [Which is fine with her, but it's...unsettling a little. Was whoever she's supposed to be suddenly...gone? Did the Doctors get them and just....she doesn't want to think about it.

Unless those damn birds killed them--no, no she won't even let her mind go that far.]

Also, anyone got a first aid kit or somethin'? [Just a small scrape from diving down from a pack of birds. Nothing major.]

[So there is a very worried looking young man staring at the camera. They said other people could see him with this. That he can just talk and they'd see it. It's still strange to him, but he's supposed to deal with being told he's a 'fictional', right? Right. So after a few long moments, Ryu speaks.]

Um... I'm Ryu... I'm new here, I guess... uh...

[He shakes his head. This is too hard to take in.]

I don't understand any of this. How could I not be real? I just need to get home. I need to find him. I need to go back.

[No one's here that he knows. He'd asked.]

I don't know what to do...

[... He's not sure what else to say, so he reaches over and turns the video off.]

Excuse me, but you did not just kidnap me from my family and my loving husband just tell me a load of crap.

Therefore, I demand, yes I demand to see who is in charge here, so I know whose ass I need to kick!