Wh-what is this place?! There's strange, metal things that make noise and lights that burn like the sun and- And-

I- Who is this lady who fashions herself as my mother?! She must be a witch. Or something! This isn't the New Worrrrllllddd!!

Oh.






...

I have a new roommate.



1. I hope you don't mind cats.
2. Laundry day is Thursday.
3. The jello cup in the refrigerator is mine.

I like your sunglasses.

I-Is it just me, or are a lot of people dying???

Hey, since there's so many of you here now, you could all give me a loan! Yeah!! Just something to make sure Boss gets back on his feet, since you know, I'm really not doing too well now and I know it and really it's not good is it.

No it's not good.

But can't you? Please?

Boss thinks you can.

We can have a Eurozone just like back home! ( No he's not crying all over the place, shhhh. )



By the way, I wonder if we could have footage from the Euro Cup playing somehow! I'd really like to watch it - I have a title to protect after all!!

TOO

MANY

PEOPLE!!!!!

'Not real'? Okay dumbasses, what do you think I've been doing the past seventy years? I already know how to not exist, I do it flawlessly! So why the am I here being told shit I already know? I HAVE THINGS TO DO. IMPORTANT THINGS. WEST CAN'T FIND HIS OWN ASS WITHOUT ME AROUND. I DIDN'T EVEN PUT THE BEER IN THE FRIDGE?!

I'm sorry everyone had to see that.

On the bright side, the third boat is finished. I'll be at sea for a while.

Is everyone acting so strange for a reason???

How'd you like to make a couple hundred dollars?

this is all obvious & anybody who's not figured it out yet is fucking stupid.

I hope everyone's excited for the new year!! I know I am!

I've got my grapes at the ready! This year I'll swallow them all, I know it! Anyone need any? I've got a bunch saved up this time!

You know, I don't suppose I've felt this good in years.

A round of eggnog for everyone in this pub, on me!

( Spain turns on the camera, looking like he's swallowed liquid happiness. He's almost literately beaming, even looking a little healthier than he normally does - or at the very least, almost younger somehow. ) You know what? Boss feels really good! I mean, really really good! I haven't felt like this in ages. I feel like I could conquer the world! Again.

This island is being so nice, too, did you know? Suddenly my bank account is huge! Ay, I hope this means things are better back home, it's been kinda iffy for so long and I'd really like it if it was this good back home. Maybe it's a miracle!

But- But! The biggest miracle of all is- ( He grins wide, shifting the camera to focus on two small children, clad in rather old fashioned maid dresses. ) Roma and Veneziano are here! And they're so tiny! I know this island sometimes does things like make us little or older or something like that, and look! I don't know why they're here or why they're little again, but Boss couldn't be happier! It's like being in heaven!

( Excuse him while he go runs to coo over two little kids - and probably get headbutted by one of them. )

Why was everyone acting so strange for a while there? Made it very difficult to get around town.

I really seem to have made a mess, huh? I'm sorry about all that, that really was a bit... awkward, huh.

I guess there's a lot of stuff I thought I let myself get over and I actually didn't. It was weird seeing myself from all those years ago, too. I guess it's good I've changed.

So sorry that I made all that mess for everyone! Tapas and wine are on Boss, okay?

Whoever is pulling this elaborate prank, come out and give up so I can break your knees already! I’m not gonna fall for your shit, okay?! Waking up in a hospital is one thing, but being told lies that don't make sense is something else completely and it's not funny!

[The slight look of hysteria on his face says otherwise. He’s obviously already fallen for it, and worried about it. Still angry and trying to keep up the threatening façade, though.]

I just wanna go home, to my house, with my stupid brother and his stupid food! Wait, no, the food’s not stupid.

Shit, now I’m hungry!

Dammit, where do you people eat here?

I have to eat before I do anything too strenuous like fighting my way back home.

[Obviously food is an important goal; one has to be in their top strength before hypothetically clawing their way tooth and nail to freedom. Actually, who does he even go to to get home? Does this island even have an airport... This is essentially him freaking out and ranting uselessly.]

WHAT: Log/actionspam for Spain's rescue from the nasty dark place.
WHO: Spain, and whoever is charging in to save the poor bastard. Feel free to jump in you want! The more the... creeped out?
WHEN/WHERE: Dark Hour, Spain's dungeon! Whichever... night. (My apologies for taking so long to get this up. And for how cheesy this whole thing is.)

( And now you get a long, tl;dr description of the dungeon and the start of the boss battle. )

( It's midnight! Clearly that means your TV wanted to be on, right? Well, even if it wasn't on before, it's on now, and it's playing a rather cheerful Spanish tune full blast. If you look over at it, you'll see what looks like the beginning of a travel show, showing scenery and locations, all with that music playing happily over it.

The images stop playing, and a large church appears, slowly panning down to show a man in front of it. He waves enthusiastically, his smile as bright as the music still playing softly in the background. The only things that seem amiss about him are that he's wearing an old military uniform, and the fact that his eyes are bright yellow. )

¡Hola! And welcome! It's time for History and Travel, with your host, Spain! This week we have a very special episode - it's about Spain itself!

( He grins even brighter, and the camera pans away, instead showing lots of scenery shots, all in tune to his descriptions. He ambles in front of it, arms wide. ) Spain is very beautiful! Both a rugged and lovely country, Spain has some of the most breathtaking scenery this side of the Atlantic! With hills, valleys, mountains, plains, and expansive seashores - complete with warm and welcoming temperatures - it's no wonder Spain's a popular tourist spot!

( The images behind him turn into shots of buildings and cities, his smile still plastered on. ) Spain also has very rich and beautiful cities - complete with stunning architecture and design! Yet another reason to stop on by and see all the sights!

Oh, but we're also going to talk about Spain's very lengthy history as well- ( Suddenly, the images behind him change - no longer are there beautiful scenery shots, but instead it looks like news reels from wars. He still smiles, but it seems twisted, darker somehow. ) -which is some of the bloodiest in Europe!

( The images continue for a while, all with him smiling pleasantly - even as men are getting shot and blown to bits behind him. ) You may think of Spain as a warm and sunny place, but a lot of dark things lurk beneath all that glittering gold and sunlight. So! Be sure to stop by and see all Spain has to offer! You'll lose your head over it! ( One last image - of a man being garroted - plays behind him. And then, as suddenly as it started, the "show" stops - leaving nothing but static in its wake. )

Is... This doesn't look like the New World!

[The voice you hear is dry, but made a little bit squeaky at the moment by apparent panic.  Rising and falling chirps and bursts of noise begin every time he pauses for breath between sentences.]

What? 

No, sorry, this wasn't supposed to happen, you'll all just have to... go away again.  Or I will.  One or the other.

No, this thing was definitely not supposed to do this.

[the panic gives way to a sort of resigned nervousness.]

I didn't unlock the Time Vortex, did I?