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/!\ THIS POOR FUCKER NEEDS IT!!! /!\
WE, THE UNDERSIGNED, URGE THE GOVERNING POWERS AND RECORD KEEPING DEPARTMENTS OF NEW MOORE TO REJECT THE PRE-EXISTING NAME OF "PEETA MELLARK" WHICH IS THE NAME HE HAD WHEN HE FIRST ARRIVED HERE LIKE A SWEEP AGO, THE NAME HE CONTINUED TO HAVE WHEN HE REARRIVED AFTER THAT, AND THE NAME HE STILL HAS AFTER HE SHOWED UP A THIRD TIME. WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?? IT'S LIKE A JOKE NEW MOORE HAS BEEN PLAYING ON US SO WE SEE HIS NAME ON THE "RELEASE LIST" MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH "JAKE ENGLISH."
NOW WHY SHOULD WE CHANGE THIS PERFECTLY SERVICEABLE COMPILATION OF LETTERS, YOU MIGHT THINK? WELL, I PROPOSE THE FACT DUE TO THE HONESTLY NOT THAT AWFUL TORMENT HUMAN WIGGLERS GO THROUGH DURING THEIR EXTRAORDINARILY INSUFFERABLE YEARS, A HUMAN HAVING A NAME LIKE "PEETA MELLARK" IS UNFORTUNATE AND HARMFUL NOT ONLY FOR A HUMAN WIGGLER'S GROWTH BUT FOR EVERYONE ELSE AROUND THEM.
TO SUPPORT MY CLAIMS, I PRESENT THE FOLLOWING STACKS OF EVIDENCE:
1. "MELLARK" TURNS INTO "LARK ELM" IF YOU DISASSEMBLE IT. WHAT THE FUCK IS A LARK ELM? IS IT A TREE MADE OUT OF LARKS? THAT'S FUCKED UP.
2. "PEETA" TURNS TO "PA TEE" AND "AT PEE" WHICH ARE EQUALLY STUPID. WHO EVER HEARD OF A PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE TEE??? ONLY IF YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE WHO HAS A MOTHERFUCKING "GOLF BALL" FOR A HEAD!!! SERIOUSLY, YOU DON'T WANT THESE ASSOCIATIONS WITH YOUR NAME, BELIEVE ME.
3. "PEETA MELLARK" CAN TURN INTO "A TRAMPLE LEEK." WHO WANTS TO BE A TRAMPLED LEEK??? IMAGINE WHAT THAT COULD DO TO SOME POOR MOTHERFUCKER'S SELF ESTEEM!!!!!!
4. IT CAN ALSO TURN INTO "TAMALE ELK REP" WHICH SOUNDS LIKE A SHAMEFUL AND POOR PRODUCT TO BE PEDDLING. NO ONE WOULD BUY THAT. DO WE REALLY WANT TO DOOM HIM TO BAD LUCK WHILE HE HAS THIS "NEW LEASE" ON LIFE???
5. THEN THERE'S "KARMA PEE TELL." WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THAT??? YOU WOULDN'T!!!!!!
6. "RETAKE LAP ELM" SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA IF YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF!
7. "LAKE MARE PELT" IS AN EXCELLENT NAME IF YOU WANT TO BE SKINNED ALIVE.
I COULD GO ON, BUT I BELIEVE A COMPARISON IS NECESSARY TO "DRIVE" THIS POINT TO THE 18TH HOLE, WHERE I CAN PROCEED TO "PUTT" IT "IN."
I DARE YOU TO MEASURE CARLOS AGAINST NOT CARLOS.
IT JUST CAN'T BE DONE!!!!!!!!!
AS YOU CAN SEE, THE SOCIAL BOONS FOR CHANGING HIS NAME ARE OVERWHELMINGLY EVIDENT. I PROPOSE THE NAME "CARLOS FUCKING AWESOME" OR EVEN "CARLOS SOLRAC" WHERE BOTH HIS "FIRST" AND "LAST" NAMES CONTAIN ALL THE LETTERS NECESSARY TO MAKE HIS IDENTITY PURE AND UNADULTERATED "CARLOS."
SIGNED,
KARKAT VANTAS
OR YOU CAN JUST WRITE YOUR NAME AND I'LL ACCEPT IT AS AN "ELECTRONIC SIGNATURE."
YOU'RE WELCOME, CARLOS.
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