Not exactly what I was imagining hell would be like, but I guess there isn't much worse than finding out your entire life is a storybook someone read once and never cared enough to pick up again. Did I even have a back story?

Well.

At least there is coffee in hell.

[The Doctor looks ragged and fatigued, his hair sticking up every which way as if he'd just woken up, though in truth he'd done very little in the way of sleeping the previous night.] Well, there's an experience I shouldn't like to repeat again soon.

Yes! Hello everyone! I except many of you already know this, but the dogs and the bats that were out in force yesterday were just the beginning of the island's most recent trick. Be careful around anyone who was bitten by them, they might be infected - it seems that they were carriers of vampirism and lycanthropy.

I suppose I should be excited, I haven't met a werewolf since Queen Victoria! That was a busy day - I was knighted and then banished within minutes. Long story.

Anyway, I would advise staying in at night! If you have to go out, go in groups, and make sure someone knows where you are at all time. Carrying garlic, silver, and holy water would not be a bad idea. Try not to kill any of the werewolves or vampires, though! In all likelihood, they'll turn back to normal in a few days when the island gets bored.

[Private to Clara]

Right. Um. I might be... absent from the TARDIS, for the next few nights. Nothing to worry about. Just make sure to stay inside when it gets dark, and don't let anyone in unless you're sure they're not infected.

[Lily is huddled up with a pillow pressed to her chest. No, it's not moving. She has put the girls on display far too much as of late.]

I've learned something. Corsets are torture devices.

Do you know I have bruises in places I don't even want to name?

So yes. Avoid them at all costs. If you want to be skinny and busty, wear the right colors and make sure your clothing fits you appropriately.

[Her face is pressed against the top of the pillow. Only her dark red hair and bright eyes can be seen now.]

[Private to James and Sirius.]

Talk to me? I'm sorry I was mean. I guess I was a spoiled wench.

[She is trying to lighten the mood. There's no reason to talk about prisons and regrets.]

If you want, you can give me an annoying parrot for my birthday.

[/]

[Private to Severus Snape.]

How are you settling in?

[/]

I don't want to talk about it. Like, ever.


Yo Badger, Skinny, uh Combo — you guys actually here or was just that some pirate magic bullshit? I can't believe I just said pirate magic bullshit like it's a real thing. Anyway, hit me up.

Didn't this happen around the same time last year?

Regardless, our shop is open, although premium items are on back order while my employees are elsewhere.

Who: The Doctor, Arthur, and Clara
What: Arthur smacks a whore, Eleven tries to kill Arthur, they fight, Clara gets in the way
Where: On the streets somewhere
When: late Wednesday afternoon
Warnings: Abuse, violence, character death

( the world would be better off without you, so I will see it done )

[ the voice it echos belongs to a young woman using flirty tones and whispering half her words so you have to lean closer to hear it. leaning close enough to the parrot would have it put its beak to your cheek and make kissing sound ]

Isn't sextant such an interesting word? Just rolls right off the tongue. Sextant. Sextant... Seeex-- Oh! I saw it once, you know. All silver and pointy. If I remember where, I'll share. I'm at the corner if you think you can help me jot my memory or come for a chat or something... It's this red sign and my lovely Nina will be out front to direct you.

And for those not bothering with that, how are you? Tired? I'm not tired. You know, I haven't the slightest idea how some of you let yourselves go bored being trapped. Plenty to do here. Plenty to do.

For instance, you could do a girl in a lovely red dress who forgot to put on her frilly undergarments this morning when she took a dip in a hot spring wearing nothing but her ruby earrings. I suppose anyone would get distracted with steam filling the air and hot beads of water rolling down the soft curved skin of her chest while she lustfully puts her eyes towards the handsome gentleman besides her who- [ the parrot continues but flies away on you just as she starts mentioning physical contact. what a tease. ]

So I notice that everyone seems to think it's way too hot out!

That being the case, I'm going to throw open the doors, and everyone is welcome to come check out the TARDIS swimming pool! I've got lots of towels and swimsuits, if you don't have one of your own to bring. And plenty of rubber ducks!!

Just look for the blue police box in the courtyard, you can't miss it!

You know, with everything that's happened, I think, for the first time in a while, I'm actually excited to go back to school.

Though I really feel like I should have graduated already... I wonder if credits transfer...

Either way, I'm thinking of making a blog about everyone's experiences in New Moore. Would anyone be interested in it?

So! Did any real marriages come out of that weekend?
Not that the ones that happened were entirely fake. Kate, darling, you're my favorite wife I've had so far and Clara Bishop has such a lovely ring to it but I think we ought to buy dinners for each other first next time. I kept the lingerie that was in that basket, by the way. It matched my eyes.

Anybody do it then? Go proposing and set a date? I sure someone got inspiration to elope out of that.

On a similar note- If you had two pets living in the apartment, did they get married too? Was there a doggie marriage certificate? There should have been. That would've been adorable.

At long last, a dream of mine has come true. A far off dream I'd only imagined would happen after I'd saved the world with my comrades at my side from the Deboss Army. After I'd wooed a girl with dates and flowers and a moonlit dinosaur ride at night-- I mean, girls like that kind of stuff, right? Oh, and chocolate. At least a mountain of it and maybe a free hamster and--

Actually, that doesn't matter now because Kiryuu Daigo is now married!

Okay, I'm totes sadzoes that nice older Vicks is gone but I love my roboboyfriend in every format so it's aaaaall gooood

what's not all good is my TOTES AWFUL LAMEZOID SISTER!!!!! she needs friends, so Lizzie, check this list and get crackin on new friendships:

1. Souji Seta - HAWTTIEEEE
   
2. Princess Bubblegum - she likes science as much as you like grad school
   
3. Simca - maybe she can totes teach you how to be kewl???
   
4. Kara Zor-El - its supergirl nuff said
   
5. Clara Oswald - she seems super brill and shes been on TOOONS of adventures maybe she can teach you a thing or two about priorities
   
6. Sirius Black - do i seriously need to say more
   
7. Katniss Everdeen aka Jlaw - NUFF SAID
   
8. Finnick Odair - he's like Wickham but less douchey
   
9. Terra - tall dark and handsome, hopefully legal?
   
10. Oncey - nuff said
    
11. Remy Lebeau -older, cooler, hotter
    
12. Darcy Lewis - chick keeps shit real
    
13. Alisha Bailey - dunno why I didn't think of this before
    
14. Sarah Manning- she works at a bar, you could learn some stuff, like you know, how to LIGHTEN UP
    
15. Ramona Flowers - I mean cmon totes the kewlest realest girl on da island

OK KISSES HAVE FUNSIES XOXOXOXOXOXOX0!!!!!!!!!!!

[The Ninth Doctor appears uncharacteristically energetic as he speaks]

Oh, I seem to have run into a problem. Not a terrible problem, but a problem nonetheless! Ah. How to put this? I'm me but not me and I'll sulk for ages once this is over with. Ages!

Apparently, being a cat had more negatives than positives. The main one being the fact that I didn't need to carry around the keys to my place and, now that I'm back to normal, can't unlock the door.

Lea, when you hear this, let me in. I'll be next door with Boy.