Okay.

I'm opening an arcade next week. Second floor of the Phony. It's either called Dave & Indy's or Phony Phun. Dave gets the final say-so on the name.

Games currently available:

Miss Snack-Man
Mule Kong
Groove Groove Mutiny
Cyberbocce
Cookie Bandits
Nunchaku Master
Deadly Phights
Mental Dental

If you have any requests, I'll see what kind of off-brand games I can find.

Ramona... please. Return this.

So Dave, if I converted my old apartment above the bar into an arcade, would 1) that be an acceptable use of your loan money, and 2) your friends come so that it actually makes some kind of profit?

PS No one get near me right now; I don't want to bite any necks. You're all disgusting and likely unwashed.

Look, I'm really not the best vampire, but I have been one for a few years now. If you need advice, just uh... Comment here? I'll try to help if I can.

If I can't help, maybe you can ask Marceline, but she's got a weird idea of food, so don't take that advice. Trust me, eating the color red doesn't actually work. Ugh, I wanna barf just thinking about it.

Lydia was supposed to meet us out last night and never showed up. She's not responding to my texts but all her stuff is still here. I thought maybe she got in trouble but I can't find her. Maybe it has something to do with the creepy fair thing but if anybody's seen her tell her to call me because I don't need to breathe but I can't right now?? because people don't just disappear I mea they do here but Lydia doesnt

Just tell her to call me okay, it's important.

ok so my life up until this point has been fake. shway. thats a headache ill deal w/ later. like after i eat my bodyweight in pizza. freezer-burned peas & carrots dont really do it for me. good choco pudding tho.

but what i really want cleared up is todays date. the year being the priority here. the staff here are sketchier than the mystery meat and i cant get a straight answer from them. so if someone could just clue me in thatd be slammin.

So, it has come to my attention that some of you might need some pointers on Halloween and what it all means. Well, luckily for all of you, I happen to be a world-class expert on Halloween, and will be more than happy to field any of your questions.

First of all, it's a holiday, obviously. But what's it celebrating? Why, it's celebrating the one time of year that the dead can rise from their graves and walk the Earth with their monster buddies. So what does that have to do with anything? Well, it's pretty simple, so you'd better pay attention, all right? It is said that the dead can be driven away from the townsfolk, where they'll feast on flesh and bone, and even your very soul. How, you ask? Well, you notice how this time of year, places are always selling costumes and stuff? That's because the dead are easily distracted, and sometimes not very smart. So you dress up, blend in, and keep them away from other people's houses using carved pumpkins and gourds and watermelon and stuff as lanterns. And as payment from the people in the houses, they sometimes give out candy or toys or something for keeping them alive.

Of course, the dead aren't completely stupid, so if you don't do it right, then they can spot you out of a crowd pretty easily. They can hear you, taste you, smell you. Kinda like an animal.

So how are you going to rectify that? How do you smell like a zombie? Or a werewolf? Or a mummy? I'll let you figure that out. In the meantime, I've gotta sharpen my fangs and practice my shapeshifting so I can really get in on this Halloween action.

Didn't this happen around the same time last year?

Regardless, our shop is open, although premium items are on back order while my employees are elsewhere.

THIS IS MAJORLY FUCKED UP

SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP

WHAT THE FUCK LAU

I MEAN YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF FUCKING CRAZY THINGS BUT LIKE

FUCK

FUCK

I LIKED MEI RIN

LIKE AS A FUCKING PERSON

NOT AS A FUCKING MEAL

FUCK THIS SHIT

FUCK YOU
FUCK
FUCK

FUCK

I LIKE ALL THE FUCKING GIRLS AT YOUR SHOP I'M NOT GOING TO FUCKING EAT THEM

THIS IS FUCKED UP

FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!

Tragically, it seems Mister Jason Todd has left us. We were developing quite the rapport. I suppose I'll have to enlist someone else to help me with an ongoing investigation. It was always so easy back home with the Young Master looking into all our mysteries. I suppose that wasn't meant to last either.

Is there anyone out there who'd be willing to investigate something for me? Interest in discovering a way off this island is a must. Therefore, Mister Drake, you need not apply. After all, I'm sure you're not eager to have what happened to Mister Todd happen to you.

Don't worry, Conrad, the investigation has nothing to do with you. How is the macrobrewery endeavor? Booming, I hope.

To Conrad:

Hey, leaving half an hour early. It's mostly dead in here.

[Sarah hits the send button to deliver her text to the boss, quickly stuffing it in the back of her pocket. In doing so, she accidentally hit the audio option, letting the entire network hear her shuffling over to the bar to look over the bottles of alcohol they have left.]

Weren't too busy, even with New Moore's damned sudden summer party. A warning would've been much appreciated. 'Course they're idiots and probably didn't think it through.

[Pause]

Why's the rum gone? [Shit, did it get misplaced? She better find it now.]

Okay, listen up. I was recently approved for a new import license, and I think now is the time to roll out our new draft beers.

From now on, The Nancing Phony serves specialty seasonal beers, which will be on a regular rotation from month to month. There will always be something new to try.

I'm also starting a new program called "Gotta Drink 'Em All". There's an app, you can download it. There, you'll track what beers you've had, and when you hit 100 different beers, you get an axe on the wall with your name on it, and a party where all the beer is paid for. When you hit the next 100, you get a sword with your name on it, and another beer party. Next 100, you get a mace. Etc, etc.

So come on down. Beers on tap for the rest of the month are:

What's with the flood?

Yo, newbies. Make sure you stop by Madame Red's Antiques for whatever you need. Seriously, you want it, we most likely got it.

So, yeah, it's real cool to see so many lameoids wandering around. I haven't seen this many human people in a long, long time. I'm talking long. But more importantly, I've forgotten how kinda boring everything used to be. It's making me want to be back home, where at least I've got my bass and my stuff.

On the plus side, I think we can make this fun.

But first thing's first. I'm pretty hungry. Anyone know where a girl can get a bite to eat?

Being a nurse, I get there are a ton of homeopathic methods that might be beneficial for getting a woman pregnant. I also get there are a lot more "natural" methods that won't do jack for helping put a baby in your belly, but will instead send you on some crazy acid journey like the super fun one I'm on now. Apparently.

Wait, can I say that without losing my job? Crap. Please don't let me be standing in the middle of the courtyard all tripped out saying this out loud. Kinda don't wanna be pregnant and unemployed, that's only cool for teens on MTV or whatever. I mean, not cool. For anybody.

The point is! I am going to ride out this fun little trip by the imaginary beach with my fictional self, and when I return to Earth, maybe have another discussion with Leslie about buying fertility "medicine" from guys who smell like Patchouli.

edit; Guy, I hate to say it.. But I think we've been Jammed.