semi-closed log

[dontmindmepleasecontinue]

WHAT: mental breakdowns and existential crises
WHO: Koizumi and those who notice his sudden absence
WHEN: between 3/7 and 3/14
WHERE: Koizumi's apartment
WARNINGS: triggering and content warnings for: depression, thoughts of suicide, mental breakdown. will edit with any further warnings.

Haruhi has been the center of Koizumi's life for a long time. She's been at the very core of his world and his identity for more than five years - for an 18 year old, that might as well be forever. She is everything to him. His friend, his first and greatest love, his literal God. She grants him the powers that make him an esper, make him special. Even if nobody knows, he has saved the world many times - and that means more to him than he can ever explain. She is a part of who he is.

Well. Was. That's gone now.

...She's gone.

Koizumi lays on his bed, trying to come to grips with it. He fluctuates between sorrow and madness and and denial and despair. Days pass, and the shadows climb the wall, only to vanish once again. He doesn't eat, and can't tell the difference between sleeping and waking anymore. It doesn't seem important, though sometimes he forgets why.

He gets messages, but he can't summon the will to respond to them.

...Anything would be better than this. He could suffer through anything, the cruelest torture, if only Kyon and Haruhi were here.

They're not. His mind wanders to his gun - at least that ending would be quick. But no, his gun was taken away when he lost his job. He's absolutely powerless - all he can do is lay there in his own personal hell, and hope for the darkness to consume him.

Comments

[dontmindmepleasecontinue]

Koizumi lays still, eyes almost glassed over and face mostly hidden when Sheska comes in. He is curled up sideways on his bed and mostly covered under a blanket. It's several long moments after she takes his face in her hands that his eyes move to see her - and even then it's obvious he doesn't recognize her right away. Eventually his eyes widen a bit.

"...Sheska?"

[librariansheart]

She almost sobs in relief to see him move, to hear his voice, even so faint and distant. "I'm here, I'm here..." Her fingers move to trace the shape of his brow, his cheekbone, down to his jaw, as she blinks back the sting of tears. She takes a shaky breath and gives him a strange, twisted sort of smile. Stars and alchemy, she is so pleased to see him aware, but it hurts, too. Oh it hurts, to see him like this, and to know that she should have seen, should have known. Should have been here sooner. She's never seen him in so much pain. Not even in the hospital. Not even in the few pictures from the rescue.

These two people - Kyon and Suzumiya - must have meant the world to him. Like Hughes-- Despite her best efforts, the tears spill over, and her fingers begin to tremble. "I... I'm sorry." Leaning forward, she embraces him just as he lies, pressing his forehead against her collarbone and murmuring, "I'm so sorry."

[dontmindmepleasecontinue]

He blinks several times, his voice confused, as if he's not clear on why she's here or what's going on. He opens his mouth as if to respond, but only a choking sound comes out, and he closes it, his eyes drifting downward again. He bites his bottom lip, not softly - obviously not the first time, given the dried blood there. His bite breaks the scab, letting blood well up, wetting his lips once more.

He curls in on himself, turning his face away from her, as if he can't bear to look - but at the same time, he reaches out, taking hold of her sleeve. It's almost tentative, worried she'll pull away - and as he takes hold, his trembling becomes obvious. He's quiet and still for a long moment, except for the trembling and his shaking breath.

After a long moment, a soft whimper escapes him.

[librariansheart]

Her breath hitches at the way he tears open that scab, and she nearly tries to dab it away, but he turns away and her heart clenches with a swoop of fear. But his hand holds to her arm. Does he...? He wants her here? For a moment she doesn't move, half hitched up on the bed to accommodate his motion, and then that soft sound breaks her heart.

The warmth and love in that dream not more than two weeks back... Hadn't he said something like that she'd made him okay? He'd been so happy to see her, and even then, he'd held back. Even then, in the safety of a situation with no consequences, he'd backed off. He didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to put anything on her shoulders. When he had come to her that horrible night, he'd been hurting so much, and hidden it so thoroughly. How much more, then, is he hurting now, to show it so plainly? And how badly does he want her to stay if he won't relinquish her arm?

Careful not to dislodge her arm from his grasp, she climbs up to sit on the very edge of the bed beside him, gently taking his forearm in both hands so that he wouldn't have to let go of her sleeve. Slowly, she starts to rub her thumbs along the muscles and tendons, massaging and soothing. She leans over him and presses her lips briefly to his shoulder, whispering, "Shhh.... I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you."