thoughtformed | semi-closed log

Entry tags:

semi-closed log

WHAT: mental breakdowns and existential crises
WHO: Koizumi and those who notice his sudden absence
WHEN: between 3/7 and 3/14
WHERE: Koizumi's apartment
WARNINGS: triggering and content warnings for: depression, thoughts of suicide, mental breakdown. will edit with any further warnings.

Haruhi has been the center of Koizumi's life for a long time. She's been at the very core of his world and his identity for more than five years - for an 18 year old, that might as well be forever. She is everything to him. His friend, his first and greatest love, his literal God. She grants him the powers that make him an esper, make him special. Even if nobody knows, he has saved the world many times - and that means more to him than he can ever explain. She is a part of who he is.

Well. Was. That's gone now.

...She's gone.

Koizumi lays on his bed, trying to come to grips with it. He fluctuates between sorrow and madness and and denial and despair. Days pass, and the shadows climb the wall, only to vanish once again. He doesn't eat, and can't tell the difference between sleeping and waking anymore. It doesn't seem important, though sometimes he forgets why.

He gets messages, but he can't summon the will to respond to them.

...Anything would be better than this. He could suffer through anything, the cruelest torture, if only Kyon and Haruhi were here.

They're not. His mind wanders to his gun - at least that ending would be quick. But no, his gun was taken away when he lost his job. He's absolutely powerless - all he can do is lay there in his own personal hell, and hope for the darkness to consume him.

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When Aqua heard the news of Kyon and Haruhi's departure she knew she had to see Koizumi. While she didn't know the extent of how deep Koizumi's relationship was to both of them, she knew how heart wrenching it was. Both friends torn away from you, leaving you with nothing but memories, a sense of emptiness and the need to disappear. She was worried for Koizumi's health, mentally and physically.

The bluenette approached his apartment door and knocked lightly. She waited outside, but there was no reply. Aqua reached out to the doorknob and gave it a slight turn. It surprised her to know the door was unlocked. Letting out a soft sigh she quietly entered his home then locked the door. She made sure her steps were soft as she walked down the hallway to his room. Opening she saw him lying there, helpless and broken. The sight of it made her heart break, but what could she do?

The magic she had wasn't strong enough to bring Kyon or Haruhi back to New Moore. Nor did she have the means to jump from one world to the next to take Koizumi home. There was nothing she could do to fix things. The only thing she could really do was be there for him. Bowing her head, she moved to his bed, silently climbing in. She placed her arm around his side and held him close.

"..I'm so sorry."

Edited 2014-03-13 06:09 (UTC)

Koizumi didn't respond when he heard a knock at the door - it wasn't that he didn't hear it, but it didn't really register. Likewise, when Aqua came and put her arms around him, it was a long moment before he even noticed she was there.

He raised his head slowly, eyes seeing her but taking time to actually make sense of her presence. "...Aqua?"

His eyes were red and hollow - as well as utterly exhausted, it was clear he hadn't really slept in a long while - but his face was as blank as a slate. He blinked several times, slowly. When he spoke, his voice was completely expressionless, devoid of tone or character. "What... are you doing here?"

Aqua wasn't expecting a reply instantly from him. If anything she expected silence to take over the room for several hours. Having Koizumi say anything at this point was a surprise. She leaned in and pressed her forehead to his.

"I want to be here," she whispered, pulling back to look him over. The red eyes and exhausted look were normal. What was more pressing was if he ate or drank anything. But she couldn't move him nor would she. It wasn't her place to force him to do anything he didn't want to do. She was here to comfort and support him as best as she could.

Her hold on him tightened as she moved her other arm around his shoulders.

"I know how hard it is, Itsuki, but you don't have to be alone."

Edited 2014-03-13 06:45 (UTC)

"Alone..." He repeated the word softly, and it's difficult to tell if he took in any of what she just said. His hand twitched as he started to reach out toward her, then hesitated. After a moment he just closed his eyes and curled in on himself even more, his body trembling.

A long while passed before his sobs became audible.

Aqua didn't say anything. When Koizumi curled in on himself, she scooted closer and tried to hold him tighter. Her hand came up to rub his back.

Unless he told her otherwise, she wouldn't move. She would be here to hold and comfort him as best as she could.

Aisling has been deeply connected with the forest recently, as the spring rash of new babies are born but among all the triumph and pleasure and family came a singular douse of icy despair from the heart of the city. Instantly ceasing what she was doing, she appears quickly at the top of the nearest tree, gazing out toward the buildings as if she could see through them. She doesn't have as strong a connection to Koizumi, but such a piercing sense of grief is extremely clear. She hesitates, feeling his shock abate. Perhaps he needs some time to come to grips with whatever that situation is.

When he continues to linger as a dark spot on the edges of her awareness, however, it preys on her. Distracts her. Worries her. Two days pass before she gives in to her inquisitive nature and she sets out to visit.

The moon is beginning to rise and a cool breeze presses against her shoulders as she slips up the side of the building and locates the window of the apartment she's looking for. Perching lightly on the sill, she taps on the window pane.

His emotions during those two days are primarily sorrow and despair and deep depression, but there is a good amount of shock and guilt and confusion mixed in as well. Occasionally the emotions will die down completely, but they're never gone for more than a couple hours at a time - even during the night, when Koizumi would normally be sleeping.

It is dark inside when she comes to the window, despite the hour. Koizumi is visible, curled up in his bed below the window - but he's facing away from her, and he doesn't respond to the knock. In truth, he isn't moving at all - and though there had been an enormous spike of guilt and despair ah hour or so earlier, when she decided to come, at present he isn't sending out any emotions at all.

Crom's scales hiss under the breeze, and she staves off alarm for a cautious approach. When scratching at the window still yields no results, the sprite licks her thumb and rubs it along the glass to make that fascinating sound that seems to upset so many people. Still no response.

It is a small thing to drop from the window ledge and land lightly, darting around to the door and up the stairs to find the entry that doesn't push against her. She is welcome here, and has no trouble opening the door, slipping inside and pushing it to behind her. The dark doesn't bother her, night-eyed as she is, so finding the proper bedroom takes no more than a few seconds.

She leaves the door wide, and pauses, wrinkling her nose. It may not smell to a human, but to her the scents of illness and despair are more than strong enough. Hopping up onto the window ledge, Aisling flicks open the funny catch and pushes it open, allowing the cleaner air to flow in and dispel the old. Now for the source of her concern.

Slowly, carefully, she lets herself down on his bed and crawls up to sit cross-legged on the pillow over his head. Leaning forward lets her hair curtain them off from the rest of the world. Her fingertips brush gently from the center of his brow to his temple, and she says softly, "Aiden. Belanus. Come back to me."

He closes his eyes and sighs softly.

"...I'm right here, Aisling." His voice is quiet and monotonous, and he doesn't turn or even look at her when he speaks.

"Are you?" she asks, just as quietly. "You're wandering in places unfit for one such as you, I think. Will you tell me why? I will gladly pay whatever price your thoughts are worth."

"I..." He swallows hard, having trouble getting words out. Guilt and despair start to return full force as his apathy drains away. He's not exactly crying, but there are tears on his cheeks.

He curls his head so he's facing away from her, muffling his voice and the way it breaks when he speaks. "Kyon and Haruhi left the island."

A small frown furrows her forehead as she considers this. She doesn't know those names, but... Or maybe... Maybe she does. Whispers of foreign memories of a future she wants to prevent. An older Koizumi crying out in shock and denial as a young man died, a young woman holding the body on the battlefield, a brilliant light and the grief of a broken man. One who had lost his purpose, his gifts... His... Lady.

Comprehension yawns, dark and empty before her. That was what had felt off about him, beneath the surface pain. His magic, the gifts he'd been given, the sense of power in him, is gone. He has lost his Lady, and with her, everything that he had lived for.

She closes her eyes briefly, sharing in his incomprehensible loss and despair. "An bandia grian, deonaigh an trócaire tá dóchasm agam do seirbhíseach..." she prays in a whisper, then speaks but a little louder, letting the emotion leech the color from her voice. "Oh my friend." Her tiny hand seeks out his shoulder, offering her support and comfort.

Edited (Translation: Goddess and sun, grant mercy and hope to your servants...) 2014-03-15 08:29 (UTC)

Sheska worries at her thumbnail the whole way to Koizumi and Sirius' apartment, an enormous basket of food on her arm, ready to coax him into eating something. He hadn't turned up at the office two days running, and then Chief Beifong... She should have realized. Should have come sooner. She seems to say that an awful lot when it comes to him. That has to change.

Still, she hesitates, her hand hovering over the door. He obviously wants to be left alone. .....But she is not going to stand idly by if he needs her. She knocks. Nothing. Her anxiety heightens and she knocks again. Still nothing. "Koizumi? I-it's Sheska... Are you there?"

The silence chews its way along her nerves and she tries the door, sure it will be locked. It swings open and she catches her breath. This isn't right. Slipping inside, she shuts the door, calling his name softly. The click of the lock as she shuts the door is too loud in this waiting quiet, and she nearly jumps. A quick check of the living room and kitchen, where she leaves her basket, confirms that he's not in the outer rooms, which leaves only the bedrooms.

One is closed, the other door cracked, and she checks that one first. A light touch sets it swinging a little wider and her heart dropped. "Koizumi!" She's across the room in a moment, on her knees next to the bed. Laying her hands on his face, she tries to catch his eyes. "Koizumi! Oh please no. Koizumi, please, look at me!"

Koizumi lays still, eyes almost glassed over and face mostly hidden when Sheska comes in. He is curled up sideways on his bed and mostly covered under a blanket. It's several long moments after she takes his face in her hands that his eyes move to see her - and even then it's obvious he doesn't recognize her right away. Eventually his eyes widen a bit.

"...Sheska?"

She almost sobs in relief to see him move, to hear his voice, even so faint and distant. "I'm here, I'm here..." Her fingers move to trace the shape of his brow, his cheekbone, down to his jaw, as she blinks back the sting of tears. She takes a shaky breath and gives him a strange, twisted sort of smile. Stars and alchemy, she is so pleased to see him aware, but it hurts, too. Oh it hurts, to see him like this, and to know that she should have seen, should have known. Should have been here sooner. She's never seen him in so much pain. Not even in the hospital. Not even in the few pictures from the rescue.

These two people - Kyon and Suzumiya - must have meant the world to him. Like Hughes-- Despite her best efforts, the tears spill over, and her fingers begin to tremble. "I... I'm sorry." Leaning forward, she embraces him just as he lies, pressing his forehead against her collarbone and murmuring, "I'm so sorry."

He blinks several times, his voice confused, as if he's not clear on why she's here or what's going on. He opens his mouth as if to respond, but only a choking sound comes out, and he closes it, his eyes drifting downward again. He bites his bottom lip, not softly - obviously not the first time, given the dried blood there. His bite breaks the scab, letting blood well up, wetting his lips once more.

He curls in on himself, turning his face away from her, as if he can't bear to look - but at the same time, he reaches out, taking hold of her sleeve. It's almost tentative, worried she'll pull away - and as he takes hold, his trembling becomes obvious. He's quiet and still for a long moment, except for the trembling and his shaking breath.

After a long moment, a soft whimper escapes him.

Edited 2014-03-22 00:28 (UTC)

Her breath hitches at the way he tears open that scab, and she nearly tries to dab it away, but he turns away and her heart clenches with a swoop of fear. But his hand holds to her arm. Does he...? He wants her here? For a moment she doesn't move, half hitched up on the bed to accommodate his motion, and then that soft sound breaks her heart.

The warmth and love in that dream not more than two weeks back... Hadn't he said something like that she'd made him okay? He'd been so happy to see her, and even then, he'd held back. Even then, in the safety of a situation with no consequences, he'd backed off. He didn't want to hurt her, didn't want to put anything on her shoulders. When he had come to her that horrible night, he'd been hurting so much, and hidden it so thoroughly. How much more, then, is he hurting now, to show it so plainly? And how badly does he want her to stay if he won't relinquish her arm?

Careful not to dislodge her arm from his grasp, she climbs up to sit on the very edge of the bed beside him, gently taking his forearm in both hands so that he wouldn't have to let go of her sleeve. Slowly, she starts to rub her thumbs along the muscles and tendons, massaging and soothing. She leans over him and presses her lips briefly to his shoulder, whispering, "Shhh.... I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I won't leave you."

She was surprised to try the door and find it open. Not necessarily because of the open door itself but because, from her small knowledge of Koizumi, she hadn't expected it to be so easy. Julie moved into the apartment quietly, listening for any sign of the occupants.

The reason she was there? Well, she hadn't seen Koizumi for long enough that she was becoming concerned over his whereabouts, and when texting him had yielded no results she'd decided (after some thought) on paying a visit.

Julie found an empty room first, then one with the door closed. One ear pressed to it, she knocked.

"Koizumi?" He had to be in there, right? "It's Julie. Can I come in?"

There's a long quiet after she knocks on his bedroom door, but eventually the door opens. There stands Koizumi looking positively awful. Clothes rumbled and dirty, he looks ill and exhausted. His eyes are red, it's clear he'd been crying, and his lower lip is caked with dried blood - it looks as if he'd bitten it so hard it bled.

More importantly than that, however, he looks despairing. Listless. Like he's just given up. There is no trace of his ever constant cheer or even a hint of a smile. He just looks exhausted and miserable. When he speaks, there is no energy in his voice - none of the usual tone or character.

"Hello, Julie." He opens the door wider, then turns and retreats back into the room. "Come in."

She almost sways back when the door opens, eyes widening on Koizumi's face as she takes in the damage he's done to himself. It hits somewhere deep in her chest and twinges at an old wound not quite fully healed and she follows him into the room with a marked hesitation.

"Have you even moved out of this room..?" she asks, not feeling the need to add a time frame. It's pretty obvious.

It looks like he's just given up. Julie moves to the window with the intention of cracking it open. "When was the last time you ate?"

He throws himself back on the bed, arms spread, looking up at her dully. "Didn't really see the point."

He takes a breath that he expels in a little half-sigh when she asks her next question, leaning back and just looking at the ceiling. "Whenever Sheska came by." He actually stops to consider for a moment, which is a marked improvement. "At least one night ago. Probably more.

...What day is it today?"

"Didn't see the--?" It's definitely not the Koizumi she knows. Granted, she doesn't know him well enough to realise the cause of this but she knows him well enough to give a damn about it. Of course, or she wouldn't be here.

"... It's Friday," she tells him, perching on the edge of the bed. "Come on. Get up and take a shower, I'll take you to a diner or something."

"More than one day, then." He continues lying there motionless for several long moments, and it almost seems like he didn't hear what she said. Eventually, however, he sits up again, and after another long pause, makes his way toward the bathroom.

His shower takes longer than one might usually expect, but the water stopped shortly before it might have become worrisome. He comes out of the bathroom, hair wet, in the same clothes he went in with.

At this point he just sort of pauses where he is. He has no issue following simply instructions - but he still has little to no motivation to do anything of his own volition.

This is heartbreaking in a painful kind of way, it being not so long since she spoke with Elsa about what happened to people who just gave up where she came from. People like Perry, who were just waiting to die. She's seen that look before.

When he comes back, she just sighs at him.

"Koizumi, change your clothes and dry your hair. I'll wait for you, then we're going. Okay?"

There's a small, slightly awkward pause, and then Koizumi simply nods. "...Okay."

It takes him another five or ten minutes, but eventually Koizumi is at the ready, looking more or less presentable. On the other hand, though unresisting, he looks rather resigned about interacting with people. Making what appears to be a supreme effort, he looks up at her finds the will to ask a polite question.

"So... where are we going?"

At least he's doing things, even if it just seems that he's resigned to following her orders. She ushers him over to the door of the apartment, wanting to get him out of there before he can summon the will to change his mind.

"Paradox Pizza. I'm buying. Come on."

Julie isn't going to ask him to talk, but there's no way she's going to just let him sit here and rot, either.

He follows quietly behind her on their way to Paradox - he remembers that he would normally object to her picking up the check for him, but that could turn into a whole argument, and he really can't see how it matters anymore.

He appreciates what she's doing, in the small corner of his mind that can look at this logically. He knows he needs to get out, but by himself he really just can't find it in him to care.

"...thank you, Julie."

She'd be more than willing to fight him on that one, but it doesn't look like his heart is in it. So, she takes his arm to link it through hers as they leave and shoots him a small smile as he thanks her.

"You're my friend, I'm not about to let you waste away in here if I can help it," she tells him firmly, meaning that far more literally than he might realise.

"So, start thinking about what you want."

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semi-closed log

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I'm going to say this visit is a couple days after the others, if that's all right.

okay!

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