thoughtformed | semi-closed log

WHAT: mental breakdowns and existential crises
WHO: Koizumi and those who notice his sudden absence
WHEN: between 3/7 and 3/14
WHERE: Koizumi's apartment
WARNINGS: triggering and content warnings for: depression, thoughts of suicide, mental breakdown. will edit with any further warnings.

Haruhi has been the center of Koizumi's life for a long time. She's been at the very core of his world and his identity for more than five years - for an 18 year old, that might as well be forever. She is everything to him. His friend, his first and greatest love, his literal God. She grants him the powers that make him an esper, make him special. Even if nobody knows, he has saved the world many times - and that means more to him than he can ever explain. She is a part of who he is.

Well. Was. That's gone now.

...She's gone.

Koizumi lays on his bed, trying to come to grips with it. He fluctuates between sorrow and madness and and denial and despair. Days pass, and the shadows climb the wall, only to vanish once again. He doesn't eat, and can't tell the difference between sleeping and waking anymore. It doesn't seem important, though sometimes he forgets why.

He gets messages, but he can't summon the will to respond to them.

...Anything would be better than this. He could suffer through anything, the cruelest torture, if only Kyon and Haruhi were here.

They're not. His mind wanders to his gun - at least that ending would be quick. But no, his gun was taken away when he lost his job. He's absolutely powerless - all he can do is lay there in his own personal hell, and hope for the darkness to consume him.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

She almost sways back when the door opens, eyes widening on Koizumi's face as she takes in the damage he's done to himself. It hits somewhere deep in her chest and twinges at an old wound not quite fully healed and she follows him into the room with a marked hesitation.

"Have you even moved out of this room..?" she asks, not feeling the need to add a time frame. It's pretty obvious.

It looks like he's just given up. Julie moves to the window with the intention of cracking it open. "When was the last time you ate?"

He throws himself back on the bed, arms spread, looking up at her dully. "Didn't really see the point."

He takes a breath that he expels in a little half-sigh when she asks her next question, leaning back and just looking at the ceiling. "Whenever Sheska came by." He actually stops to consider for a moment, which is a marked improvement. "At least one night ago. Probably more.

...What day is it today?"

"Didn't see the--?" It's definitely not the Koizumi she knows. Granted, she doesn't know him well enough to realise the cause of this but she knows him well enough to give a damn about it. Of course, or she wouldn't be here.

"... It's Friday," she tells him, perching on the edge of the bed. "Come on. Get up and take a shower, I'll take you to a diner or something."

"More than one day, then." He continues lying there motionless for several long moments, and it almost seems like he didn't hear what she said. Eventually, however, he sits up again, and after another long pause, makes his way toward the bathroom.

His shower takes longer than one might usually expect, but the water stopped shortly before it might have become worrisome. He comes out of the bathroom, hair wet, in the same clothes he went in with.

At this point he just sort of pauses where he is. He has no issue following simply instructions - but he still has little to no motivation to do anything of his own volition.

This is heartbreaking in a painful kind of way, it being not so long since she spoke with Elsa about what happened to people who just gave up where she came from. People like Perry, who were just waiting to die. She's seen that look before.

When he comes back, she just sighs at him.

"Koizumi, change your clothes and dry your hair. I'll wait for you, then we're going. Okay?"

There's a small, slightly awkward pause, and then Koizumi simply nods. "...Okay."

It takes him another five or ten minutes, but eventually Koizumi is at the ready, looking more or less presentable. On the other hand, though unresisting, he looks rather resigned about interacting with people. Making what appears to be a supreme effort, he looks up at her finds the will to ask a polite question.

"So... where are we going?"

At least he's doing things, even if it just seems that he's resigned to following her orders. She ushers him over to the door of the apartment, wanting to get him out of there before he can summon the will to change his mind.

"Paradox Pizza. I'm buying. Come on."

Julie isn't going to ask him to talk, but there's no way she's going to just let him sit here and rot, either.

He follows quietly behind her on their way to Paradox - he remembers that he would normally object to her picking up the check for him, but that could turn into a whole argument, and he really can't see how it matters anymore.

He appreciates what she's doing, in the small corner of his mind that can look at this logically. He knows he needs to get out, but by himself he really just can't find it in him to care.

"...thank you, Julie."

She'd be more than willing to fight him on that one, but it doesn't look like his heart is in it. So, she takes his arm to link it through hers as they leave and shoots him a small smile as he thanks her.

"You're my friend, I'm not about to let you waste away in here if I can help it," she tells him firmly, meaning that far more literally than he might realise.

"So, start thinking about what you want."

semi-closed log

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