Fourth Invasion

[irken_elite]

PEOPLE OF NEW MOORE!

So you've all certainly received the messages by now, that our whole wide world is about to burn to death by the impact of a meteor within a matter of days. What are your plans? Do you have everything in order before your skin melts off into a puddle of sticky human goo?

FEAR NOT, GOOD PEOPLE

For ZIM has an ingenious plan to destroy the meteor! Using my clearly superior and mighty brain, I have been working on blueprints for a rocket-propelled bomb delivery system that will intercept the chunk of broken planet or moon or asteroid and explode it all into smithereens.

When I have saved humanity, we may begin talks about how you can all thank me by making me ruler of all mankind.

You're welcome.

Comments

[squidissension]

wwait
wwhatd you bother savvin it for
also invvest in a fuckin dictionary

[irken_elite]

Because my mission is to destroy the humans and- Wait.

I don't have to explain myself to YOU.

[squidissension]

a gargantuan meteor is on a collision fuckin course wwith this doomed planet and you havve zero aces up your prospectivve sleevves to stop it regardless a the posturin youvve been doin on the netwwork
in other wwords
you see anyone else askin you shit

[irken_elite]

I'll have you know that I've already built a rocket prototype and I'll be firing it later tonight, even with this inferior technology holding me back.

I speak no lies from this mouth!

No one is asking me anything, because unlike you, ungrateful monkey, they trust my superior brain and entrust me with saving their miserable planet.

[squidissension]

youre givvin them entirely too much credit
wwhat rocket

[irken_elite]

No. You don't get to know. It's not an escape ship. It's an explosive rocket. So no you can't climb on it and escape, you cowardly pig-beast.

[squidissension]

i wwouldnt fuckin escape
not wwithout findin someone first

[irken_elite]

Your blathering is senseless to me. Explain yourself, purple thing.

[squidissension]

wwhat is there not to fuckin understand about that
i wwouldnt leavve wwithout someone
howw fuckin solitary are your people anywway

[irken_elite]

We carry out our programmed duties with pride. If we do well, then our people and our mighty empire prosper.

[squidissension]

okay wwhatevver party line i followw you
but wwhat about quadrants

[irken_elite]

The Irken empire spans many space quadrants, and I will not tell you which ones. Believe me, it is an act of mercy I perform.

Wait... You were trying to divine the location of my home planet, weren't you?

[squidissension]

i couldnt givve twwo shits wwhere your planet wwas
i meant quadrants like relations wwith other members a your species

[irken_elite]

I don't follow.

[squidissension]

wwhy am i evven wwastin my time
wwhat dyou knoww about the human emotion called friendship

[irken_elite]

That is horrible and bothersome and often ends with meat.

[squidissension]

wwhat
elaborate on that last point

[irken_elite]

I thought that you knew all about human relationships.

I employed a "friend" once. But he exploded.

[squidissension]

no that usually only happens wwith robots
you mustvve been mistaken wwhich is frankly not all that fuckin surprisin givven your lack a knowwledge on the topic

[irken_elite]

I assure you he was completely human. I did, however, replace his disgusting eyeballs with ones of my own devising.

[squidissension]

okay im not the expert but im fairly certain the explodin shit is still a fuckin rarity

[irken_elite]

Well it's what happened, all right?

[squidissension]

but thats fuckin it
you had the one wwho human exploded for some reason
dont you havve to fulfil some kind a quadrant quota for matin reasons
it doesnt seem vvery feasible to avvoid social interactions in general on a race so intent on conquest
youd run outta fuckin irks

[irken_elite]

Mating?

You mean.. like human intimacy? My people don't require such disgusting, base rituals for reproduction.

[squidissension]

obvviously not
wwere not bein absurd here
trolls havve our owwn set a complicated rituals that make the shit humans do to one another obscene