THIS SURE IS FUCKING SOMETHING

[ihateyouetc]

OK, THIS ISN'T MY FIRST CONTRETEMPS WITH THE CULMINATION OF CATASTROPHIC AND CEASELESS FUCK-UPS THAT COMPRISE ALPHA-ME'S MISERABLE CONTINUED EXISTENCE ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL THAT ISN'T LOST IN THE FURTHEST RING, SWIMMING SOMEWHERE IN THE DREAMS OF ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS
AND IT PROBABLY WON'T BE MY LAST, BUT THAT SAID
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
I'VE BEEN CONDUCTING SOME RESEARCH
WHAT I'VE FOUND ISN'T PROMISING
I MEAN, THIS COMPUTER IS OK
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS SOME OTHERS I'VE SEEN
BUT ANYTHING ELSE IS PRETTY MUCH SHIT.
THIS IS THE MOST LACKLUSTER EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING APPROXIMATING A "LIFE" I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED
SO WHENEVER HE GETS BACK HERE
I'M GOING TO BE A GENEROUS GUY AND GO OUT OF MY WAY TO POINT OUT HIS INCREDIBLE FUCK-UPS.

EXHIBIT 1



OUT OF ALL THE MISTAKES, THIS ONE MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPRESSIVE YET.
WHAT THE FUCK?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
ALPHA-ME, YOU'RE ASSOCIATING WITH SOMEONE WHO USES PAPYRUS.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN?

EXHIBITS 2 - 4







EXHIBITS 5 - 8







WOW, NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE THAT IMAGE!

EXHIBITS 9 - 10







EXHIBIT 11



DUDE, NO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WATCHED A MOVIE THAT WAS AS BIG OF A PIECE OF SHIT AS THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE IT IS.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE COME EARLY!
I'M LIKE THE BIG RED VACATION ASSHOLE UP IN HERE.
STEP OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAY, IT'S KARKAT SANTAS.



OH A MYSTERIOUS FOLDER TITLED "FJDKFSDJKFLSDKLFJSDF" AFTER YOU CLICK THROUGH A FOLDER CALLED "DONT CLICK THIS" AND THEN A FOLDER CALLED "SERIOUSLY DONT CLICK THIS" AND THEN ONE CALLED "FUCK YOU WHY ARE YOU CLICKING THIS" THEN YOU GET TO CHOOSE BETWEEN "FUCK" AND "NO."
"FJDKFSDJKFLSDKLFJSDF" WAS IN THE "NO" FOLDER BY THE WAY.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE IN IT?



WOW! LET'S GET A SAMPLE OF THESE STERLING MESSAGES ON THIS OUTDATED COMPUTER THAT SOMEHOW RUNS SHOCKINGLY WELL, WHICH GIVES ME THE IMPRESSION YOU SOMEHOW GOT SOLLUX TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU WHEN YOU'RE A TREMENDOUS JACKASS WHO DOES NOTHING BUT WASTE A LOT OF FUCKING SPACE.

OK, ON TO THE SAMPLES!

FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WRITE THIS
FUCKING KILL ME
GET TO THE FUCKING POINT
FDGJHGFKSD
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
I FUCKING QUIT
NNNGH
UGH
OH GOD
AUGH
JOHN
FUCK YOU
GJHKLFJSDF

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REMARKABLE "FRIENDSHIP"!
OH BY GOLLY, THIS IS ALL WATER BENEATH THE "FRIENDSHIP SUSPENSION"
CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS, ALPHA KARKAT VANTAS
YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO US ALL.
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS GUY DIDN'T DIE
HE'S NOT EVEN GOD TIER
HOW IN THE FUCK IS THIS GUY EVEN STILL ALIVE?
I MEAN
I GUESS ALL THE ARADIAS WANDERING AROUND EXPLAIN THAT
I THINK THERE ARE MORE ARADIAS THAN ANYBODY ELSE
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN MORE ROBOTS IN ONE PLACE
EXCEPT LIKE IN EQUIUS'S CREEPY FUCKING DEATH CAGE
YEAH, I WANDERED INTO ONE OF THOSE
SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT FUCKING BUBBLE
I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THAT ONE FAST ENOUGH
HOLY SHIT.
ANYWAY
IN CONCLUSION:

Comments

yes, this is what we will choose to focus on for now.

[riseup]

you had a picture of nic cage on your computer?
maybe you aren't so bad after all!

1/3 in all honesty

[ihateyouetc]

WHOA WHOA WHOA
LET'S "BACK" THIS SERIES OF LARGE METAL HUMAN CONTAINERS LINKED TOGETHER ON A TRACK "UP"
THIS ASSHOLE HAD THIS SAVED HERE
NOT ME

[ihateyouetc]

I WOULDN'T BE CAUGHT DEAD WITH ANY OF THIS SHIT ON MY COMPUTER

he doesn't actually understand what the hell his other self was writing. LEAP BEFORE YOU LOOK.

[ihateyouetc]

WHICH I GUESS IS WHY HE GOT CAUGHT WITH IT
SINCE HE'S STILL ALIVE.

[riseup]

yeah, being dead blows.
so why do you have your alive past self's computer or whatever?
i swear we have a stupid past/future conversation every time i talk to you.

[ihateyouetc]

WOW, WHAT A COINCIDENCE!
I HAVE A FUCKING STUPID CONVERSATION EVERY TIME I TALK TO YOU.

[ihateyouetc]

BUT WHATEVER.
SUDDENLY I WAS JUST HERE
NO TRANSITION, NO NOTHING.
ONE SECOND YOU'RE HAVING A FANTASTIC ARGUMENT WITH ONE OF YOUR DEAD SELVES
AND YOU THINK YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO MAKE SOME PROGRESS THIS TIME
AND THEN HERE YOU ARE
IN FRONT OF SOME PREHISTORIC COMPUTER THAT IS SOMEHOW NOT TOTALLY SHITTY
AND YOU HAVE THIS FUCKING GOLDMINE OF GARBAGE ALL OVER IT.

[riseup]

tl;dr: you don't know.
that is fine.
it seems like pretty much no one knows what is going on.

SOMEBODY JUST FIGURED OUT SIGNLESS ICONS ARE ALSO APPROPRIATE.

[ihateyouetc]

AWESOME. THANKS FOR THE ASTOUNDINGLY AMAZING ABRIDGED ADAPTATION OF MY COMMENTARY!
THIS IS THE MOST POINTLESS DREAM BUBBLE
IT'S JUST LIKE WAITING AROUND
WAITING FOR IT TO GET TO THE FUCKING POINT ALREADY.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK IS EVEN GOING ON?

[riseup]

yeah, i actually agree with you.
i just keep waiting for it to end.
so far dave is the only one who has made any sense and even that has been weird.
maybe we are all meeting up for a reason?
there's a lot more of us than normal.

[ihateyouetc]

YEAH. NORMALLY I JUST RUN INTO VERSIONS OF US THAT HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT'S GOING ON
NOT A BUNCH OF US WHO KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON BUT HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHY WE'RE IN HERE.
WHAT THE HELL ARE ANY OF US SUPPOSED TO LEARN FROM THIS?
I'VE LEARNED THE ALPHA-ME IS A PRETTY BIG FUCKING LOSER
NO BIG SURPRISE THERE
BUT OTHER THAN THAT
I'VE COME UP WITH "JACK" AND "SHIT."

[riseup]

i am going to pretend that's a rhetorical question.

[ihateyouetc]

WELL NO SHIT
WHAT THE FUCK COULD YOU POSSIBLY SAY?
IT'S NOT LIKE YOU'D UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ANY BETTER THAN ME.

[riseup]

the part about what i am supposed to learn from this, dumbass.

[ihateyouetc]

WHAT THE FUCK EVER
SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE THE ONE IMPLYING THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE LEARNED FROM THIS CROCK OF SHIT
MY QUESTION WAS PURELY RHETORICAL
BECAUSE I CAN'T THINK OF A FUCKING THING

[riseup]

i hope you figure something out soon!

[ihateyouetc]

WAIT
ARE YOU SERIOUSLY TELLING ME YOU LEARNED SOMETHING HERE?
LIKE
SOME SORT OF "LESSON" OR WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS PLACE IS TRYING TO DO?

[riseup]

yes, i used my thinkbox or whatever you call it and everything.

[ihateyouetc]

THINKPAN, IDIOT.
AND WHEN?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE JUST WAITING FOR THIS SHIT TO END.

[riseup]

well, i can't do anything with what i figured out.
like the dave stuff?
which i guess you don't know.
but i learned that me dying was not the end of the game.
which is great!
except i can't change anything even if i know that, which is part of being dead, probably.

[riseup]

why am i telling you all of this?
this is stupid.

[ihateyouetc]

YEAH, YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID
STOP EXPUNGING LOADS OF EXCREMENT FROM YOUR RIDICULOUS SEEDFLAP
THIS SHIT'S EVEN BIGGER THAN A BEHEMOTH LEAVING.

[ihateyouetc]

LOOK, EVEN IF MOST OF IT IS JUST POINTLESS AND LISTLESS WAITING
THERE'S STILL SHIT WE CAN DO WHEN THE TIME COMES FOR US TO ACTUALLY DO IT.
YEAH, YOU DYING ISN'T THE END OF THE GAME
AND ME DYING WASN'T THE END OF IT EITHER
IN FACT, WE GOT PRETTY FUCKING FAR INTO IT, TOO.
ALL OF US EVEN MADE GOD TIER AND WE STILL FUCKING DIED.
WE STILL INTERACT WITH THOSE GUYS FROM THE ALPHA TIMELINE FROM TIME TO TIME.
SO THERE'S A POSSIBILITY WE CAN STILL HELP CHANGE SOMETHING???

[ihateyouetc]

I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T REALLY GET IT
BUT LIKE ARADIA
UH
YOU HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHO SHE IS
BUT LIKE
FOR THE GAME, TIME WAS HER DEAL
BUT THE DEAD WERE HER DEAL BEFORE WE STARTED PLAYING IT
SO IF ARADIA THINKS THE DEAD STILL HAVE SHIT TO DO EVEN IF WE'RE NOT IN THE GAME ANYMORE
AND OUR CONTRIBUTIONS ARE STILL IMPORTANT

[ihateyouetc]

THEN I GUESS I BELIEVE IT.