THIS SURE IS FUCKING SOMETHING

[ihateyouetc]

OK, THIS ISN'T MY FIRST CONTRETEMPS WITH THE CULMINATION OF CATASTROPHIC AND CEASELESS FUCK-UPS THAT COMPRISE ALPHA-ME'S MISERABLE CONTINUED EXISTENCE ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL THAT ISN'T LOST IN THE FURTHEST RING, SWIMMING SOMEWHERE IN THE DREAMS OF ELDRITCH ABOMINATIONS
AND IT PROBABLY WON'T BE MY LAST, BUT THAT SAID
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
I'VE BEEN CONDUCTING SOME RESEARCH
WHAT I'VE FOUND ISN'T PROMISING
I MEAN, THIS COMPUTER IS OK
IT'S NOT AS BAD AS SOME OTHERS I'VE SEEN
BUT ANYTHING ELSE IS PRETTY MUCH SHIT.
THIS IS THE MOST LACKLUSTER EXCUSE FOR ANYTHING APPROXIMATING A "LIFE" I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED
SO WHENEVER HE GETS BACK HERE
I'M GOING TO BE A GENEROUS GUY AND GO OUT OF MY WAY TO POINT OUT HIS INCREDIBLE FUCK-UPS.

EXHIBIT 1



OUT OF ALL THE MISTAKES, THIS ONE MIGHT BE THE MOST IMPRESSIVE YET.
WHAT THE FUCK?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
ALPHA-ME, YOU'RE ASSOCIATING WITH SOMEONE WHO USES PAPYRUS.
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN?

EXHIBITS 2 - 4







EXHIBITS 5 - 8







WOW, NO ONE WILL EVER TAKE THAT IMAGE!

EXHIBITS 9 - 10







EXHIBIT 11



DUDE, NO.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WATCHED A MOVIE THAT WAS AS BIG OF A PIECE OF SHIT AS THIS ONE LOOKS LIKE IT IS.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR 12TH PERIGEE'S EVE COME EARLY!
I'M LIKE THE BIG RED VACATION ASSHOLE UP IN HERE.
STEP OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAY, IT'S KARKAT SANTAS.



OH A MYSTERIOUS FOLDER TITLED "FJDKFSDJKFLSDKLFJSDF" AFTER YOU CLICK THROUGH A FOLDER CALLED "DONT CLICK THIS" AND THEN A FOLDER CALLED "SERIOUSLY DONT CLICK THIS" AND THEN ONE CALLED "FUCK YOU WHY ARE YOU CLICKING THIS" THEN YOU GET TO CHOOSE BETWEEN "FUCK" AND "NO."
"FJDKFSDJKFLSDKLFJSDF" WAS IN THE "NO" FOLDER BY THE WAY.
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY BE IN IT?



WOW! LET'S GET A SAMPLE OF THESE STERLING MESSAGES ON THIS OUTDATED COMPUTER THAT SOMEHOW RUNS SHOCKINGLY WELL, WHICH GIVES ME THE IMPRESSION YOU SOMEHOW GOT SOLLUX TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU WHEN YOU'RE A TREMENDOUS JACKASS WHO DOES NOTHING BUT WASTE A LOT OF FUCKING SPACE.

OK, ON TO THE SAMPLES!

FUCK YOU FOR MAKING ME WRITE THIS
FUCKING KILL ME
GET TO THE FUCKING POINT
FDGJHGFKSD
FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK
I FUCKING QUIT
NNNGH
UGH
OH GOD
AUGH
JOHN
FUCK YOU
GJHKLFJSDF

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REMARKABLE "FRIENDSHIP"!
OH BY GOLLY, THIS IS ALL WATER BENEATH THE "FRIENDSHIP SUSPENSION"
CONGRATUFUCKINGLATIONS, ALPHA KARKAT VANTAS
YOU ARE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO US ALL.
I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE THIS GUY DIDN'T DIE
HE'S NOT EVEN GOD TIER
HOW IN THE FUCK IS THIS GUY EVEN STILL ALIVE?
I MEAN
I GUESS ALL THE ARADIAS WANDERING AROUND EXPLAIN THAT
I THINK THERE ARE MORE ARADIAS THAN ANYBODY ELSE
I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER SEEN MORE ROBOTS IN ONE PLACE
EXCEPT LIKE IN EQUIUS'S CREEPY FUCKING DEATH CAGE
YEAH, I WANDERED INTO ONE OF THOSE
SERIOUSLY, FUCK THAT FUCKING BUBBLE
I COULDN'T GET OUT OF THAT ONE FAST ENOUGH
HOLY SHIT.
ANYWAY
IN CONCLUSION:

Comments

[ihateyouetc]

GOD TIER ERIDAN OR THE ONE WHO'S REALLY EXTRA FUCKING DOUCHEY?
IT'S LIKE THE DOUCHE IS PROPORTIONATE TO THE AMOUNT HE ISN'T GOD TIER.
HAVE YOU RUN INTO THAT GUY?
HE JUST DOESN'T FUCKING STOP KILLING ANGELS.

[squidissension]

actually wwhen you stop to talk to them theyre not that fuckin bad
kar this looks kinda serious
fef and i wwere kinda in the middle a somethin but im wworried about you

[ihateyouetc]

OK, LOOK
I'VE TRIED TALKING TO THEM
BUT THEY DON'T LISTEN
ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU ACTUALLY LISTEN TO WHAT WE SAY TO YOU
AND KNOW HOW TO FOLLOW BASIC INSTRUCTIONS LIKE "MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T SHOOT THEM" AND "I THINK THAT MAKES THEM REALLY FUCKING MAD"
BUT I GUESS THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW
I'M TALKING TO YOU, NOT THEM.

[ihateyouetc]

WAIT
WORRIED????
I'M FINE.

[squidissension]

this post has kinda a
urgent feel
i dunno kar should i be wworrried

[ihateyouetc]

"URGENT FEEL"?

[ihateyouetc]

UM
DUDE
NO
I DIDN'T WRITE THAT SHIT
LIKE ALL THAT SHIT I POSTED???
I DIDN'T ANY OF THAT
THERE'S SERIOUSLY NOTHING TO BE WORRIED ABOUT
I'M JUST GOING THROUGH THIS COMPUTER
AND THAT SHIT WAS ON HERE
SO IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S ME OR ANYTHING
THE PARTS THAT ARE ME ARE MAKING FUN OF IT, OK???

[ihateyouetc]

SO LIKE THANKS BUT NO THANKS, I GUESS????
I MEAN I APPRECIATE IT BUT THERE'S REALLY NOTHING GOING ON.

[squidissension]

wwell fefs got a date tonight so im still goin to find you
evven if nothins fuckin wwrong liek you say it isnt
wwe could just make fun of it together right

[ihateyouetc]

YEAH, IT IS PRETTY FUCKING LAUGHABLE.
SO I GUESS THERE'S NO PROBLEM IN DOING THAT.
STRICTLY WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT I IN NO WAY WROTE THESE PIECES OF SHIT, OK?????

[squidissension]

great
ill try and find somethin wworth eatin to bring as snacks

[ihateyouetc]

THANKS. I GUESS I'LL SEE IF THERE'S ANY SHIT HERE TO DRINK OR SOMETHING
AND I'M FUCKING SERIOUS
NONE OF THIS TALKING ABOUT MY FEELINGS SHIT
IF YOU HAVE STUFF TO TALK ABOUT THEN YOU CAN SPILL IT
BUT SERIOUSLY THERE'S NOTHING GOING ON.

[squidissension]

wwhale not much is different wwith me considerin
so i dont mind just listenin to you

[ihateyouetc]

OH MY GOD
THERE'S NOTHING DIFFERENT WITH ME EITHER
IT'S JUST THE SAME SHIT AS ALWAYS
EXCEPT THIS BUBBLE KIND OF FEELS REAL THIS TIME?
I MEAN, WITH THE KNOWLEDGE OF BEING DEAD USUALLY IT JUST TURNS INTO SOMETHING STUPID
OR PREDICTABLE
SO OTHER THAN THAT
IF YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FIND ME TO TRY TO GET ME TO "GLUB" ABOUT ALL THIS WEIRD SHIT
THEN
I GUESS
JUST FUCKING DROP IT
BUT COME OVER ANYWAY???
THIS GUY HAS SOME PRETTY DECENT MOVIES EVEN IF HE IS SHITTY.

[squidissension]

like i could force you to do any shit you didnt wwant to
movvies sound good to me
like i said wwe dont havve to talk so wwhy the fuck are you pursuin it

[reanimated]

Oh for fuck's sake BLANKET RULE! DO NOT SHAG YOUR WEIRD FRIENDS IN OUR FLAT

[splashes]

O)( don't get your nub all in a bunc)( just yet!
Well, MOR-E t)(an it already is at any given time. 38|
T)(e dream bubbles are not so terrible and you know it.
And as of now, we are among t)(e living again!
Some)(ow...

[splashes]

)(a)(a no I )(ave not run into )(im yet!
Did )(e really kill )(is consorts? 38(

[ihateyouetc]

YEAH.
BUT WHO KNOWS IF HE ACTUALLY DID IT
OR IF IT WAS JUST SOMETHING RIDICULOUS IN A DREAM BUBBLE THAT HE WANTED TO HAPPEN
BECAUSE HE WAS FUCKING PISSED OR SOMETHING???
I DON'T KNOW
THAT EXPLANATION IS REALLY FUCKING STUPID AND SHITTY
BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE WHY HE'D STRAIGHT-UP START SLAUGHTERING HIS CONSORTS DURING THE GAME.
AND I'M NOT FUCKING CONVINCED ABOUT THIS BEING "AMONG THE LIVING"
WE'RE DEAD.
AFTER YOU'RE DEAD, YOU DON'T COME BACK
BUT I GUESS IT IS DIFFERENT FROM USUAL.

[splashes]

"Among" t)(e living is different from being ALIV-E, dummy!
You are rig)(t! We are D-EFINIT-ELY dead.
-Even my powers cannot c)(ange t)(at )(ere.
T)(e finomenally -EXCITING part is t)(e amount of UNdead and UNdreaming also present wit)( us! 38)

[splashes]

Also I do not see w)(y you )(ave to give your Alp)(a self suc)( a )(ard time about t)(is.

[ihateyouetc]

OH COME ON
A HARD TIME ABOUT *WHAT*?????
JUST LOOK AT THIS SHIT AND TELL ME HOW YOU CAN BE CONVINCED THAT THIS GUY WAKES UP EVERY NIGHT, BRIGHT AND BRILLIANT, READY TO FACE A FRESH NEW EVENING
AND ACTUALLY REMEMBERS HOW TO FUCKING BREATHE.

[ihateyouetc]

WAIT
SOME OF THESE GUYS ARE ALIVE???

[splashes]

C)(ill out, Crabcatc)(!
Clearly )(e )(AS remembered to breat)(e, among ot)(er t)(ings, or )(e would not be t)(e Alp)(a you!
Du)(!!
It will not )(urt you to give )(im a LITTL-E credit.
Besides, all t)(e pouncebeasts are kind of cute...

[splashes]

As for your second question, Y-----ES! 38D
By t)(e amount of live ones we )(ave )(ere I'd say it is US w)(o )(ave managed to drift off course.