"It's the holidays, let's play nerdy games cos that'll get the ladies juiced" YOU KNOW WHAT? NO.

[reanimated]

I can't believe I have to do this.

ATTENTION
LADIES OF NEW MOORE

You may have heard of my good friend Victor. Wellllllll he's got a bit of a problem. Y'see I really hate to be the one to break the bad news, and please don't shoot the messenger here — no really, don't shoot the messenger, I haven't died in a few weeks and I'm feeling pretty great about it — but he's come down with this horrible incurable disease. I know! Depressing, right? But dry your tears and listen up. It's called terminal virginity. I believe its original name in Latin was Incurablii Lamenessus but it's been a while since I cracked open the books on that one.

Anyway it's really very tragic and if one of you fine women doesn't step up, take one for the team and GET HIM LAID soon, he's going to die alone surrounded by... what the fuck is that. A paper mache griffin?

Oh god, it's already spread to his brain. Soon enough he'll be an unshaggable vegetable!

Look, I can't stand idly by and watch this kill the poor sap. So who's going to take a gander at the Robocock and see if they like the goods?

Comments

[mindoirsurvivor]

Mancha, just so you know, I checked the island's sexual harassment statutes, and if you feel like pressing charges I can put a throw pillow in Nathan's favorite cell.

[reanimated]

OH WHAT THE FUCK?! I'm doing him a favour here!

[mindoirsurvivor]

Hey, I don't write the laws. I just enforce 'em.

[reanimated]

Oh c'mon, you can clearly see I'm doing this for his own good. How's that harassment?!

[mindoirsurvivor]

Do you really need this spelled out for you?

[reanimated]

Whatever. You're not going to arrest me, this is bullshit.

[notvictorious]

That's fine. He's apparently my best friend.

[notvictorious]

I'm never speaking to you again. What is WRONG with you! Take this down. Also parts of it are untrue.

[expositional]

He could.

[mindoirsurvivor]

Usually the good thing about best friends like that is after boot camp you never have to see them again.

[reanimated]

Oh would you get the sand out of your knickers for two seconds I'M HELPING YOU!

[reanimated]

But he won't.

[notvictorious]

I'm lucky I'm not a soldier then.

[mindoirsurvivor]

[Department Legal Counsel has advised me not to say what I originally said in this space.]

\

[notvictorious]

This is not helping! I don't even want a girlfriend right now.

[notvictorious]

uh, okay?

[expositional]

If someone were to file a complaint.

[expositional]

Or he could act in line with protecting the public good.

[reanimated]

C'mon love, remember all those good times we used to have? Have a little heart and tell him not to do that for me.

[reanimated]

Who said anything about a girlfriend? Look, I'm saving you from starting your holidays off with playing pretend dragons with a bunch of prepubescent kids AGAIN, this is practically heroic.

[expositional]

I don't give superior officers orders.

[notvictorious]

Just for that, I'm not sharing my new haul of video games.

[reanimated]

I'm all broken up inside, really.

[notvictorious]

There's even one I think you'd actually be good at, but you don't want to play, so I'll just throw it out.

[reanimated]

Please, you never throw that shit out. What is it? That's purely bored curiosity asking by the by.