ten | video

[thneed]

Heeelllo~ Did you see what The Doctor gave me? Because it's the greatest thing ever, okay? It's so big and warm and- [ he's waving an end of this thing at the camera with a stupidly happy grin on his face ]

...Wait, I had a purpose to this post. EHEM. Right! So. How was your Christmas? Was it amazing? Mine was amazing. The greatest I ever had, even! I hope all your hearts grew two sizes.

You know what you all need? To give yourself a wonderful post-Christmas gift, and to start the New Year off right: Big scarf things too! But not just any big scarf things. You need thneeds. What is a thneed? Well, dear New Moore, if you haven't already had the joy of finding out previously-- let me enlighten you!

Ta~da~da~daaaaa: [ what is he holding up now? it's that ridiculously fluffy pink thing he has that's design doesn't seem to make any sense at all. guys we're in seuss territory. buckle your seatbelts there's going to be a rhyming musical number while he twists and turns that thing into pink-fluffy versions of others things. you all saw this coming. ]

This thing is a thneed. A thneed's a fine-something-that-all-people-need!
It's a shirt. It's a sock. It's a glove, It's a hat.
But it has other uses. Oh yes, far beyond that!
There's about a million bajillion uses or so-
So listen carefully to some so you know!
It puts out campfires, it wards of vampires
But not Conrad.
It bends into shapes, makes fancy drapes!
For this season it can be a sweater!
Next season a shirt, skirt-- fits any weather.
Use it as a sled to slide down that hill
Eat it as a soup, make a giant windmill!
Big snowball shooter ~ Seat for your scooter!
Runny nose wiper or reusable diaper
It's reversible and versatile.
Washable and responsible!
Completely collapsible! WiFi Compatible!
Don't need a large, medium, or small.
It's uniquely designed for a true one-size-fits-all.
Also the smell is wonderfully sweet
And it comes in 84 colors- isn't that neat?
You might need one. Oh you definitely do.
Only 3.98, buy one-- Heck by two!

Ehem.. [ and then he lowers his voice and quickly states the following: ]
Thneeds are all natural, made of one-hundred-and-ten-percent truffula tuft and humanely collected from the trees using a giant comb with previous permission from not one but two forest guardians. All seeds that wind up in my hands in the process will be carefully kept for emergency situations unless requested. All fruit that winds up in my hands will be used to make delicious pancake breakfasts which can be purchased during the mornings at Piece-A Pizza for 7.37-- open 9am. Ask about the jumbo pizza while you're there. 10% of profit goes to charity. No animals were harmed in the making of this song.

Comments

[singstobirds]

That's exactly what I was looking for in a blue.

[thneed]

Then you will be very satisfied! I guarantee only quality blueness in the blue.

[singstobirds]

You must have an incredible amount of satisfied customers. It sounds like you're dedicated to providing only the best.

[thneed]

I am dedicated. I have yet to have an unsatisfied one.

[singstobirds]

That's very impressive!

[thneed]

Yes, yes it is. Thank you.

So what's your name?

[singstobirds]

That's used to be a much simpler question to answer than it is now.

Snow White, but I prefer just Snow.

[thneed]

Did you change it recently?

It's a pretty name. Nice to meet you, Snow. I'm the Once-ler.

[singstobirds]

I had it changed for me, for a time, thanks to a very specific sort of memory loss that replaced all of my true memories with fabricated ones. It's a long story, but I wouldn't be surprised to hear that others who were under the same curse are having identity issues of their own.

But of course, it's nice to meet you, too, Once-ler. Is it a title or a name?

[thneed]

Geez. That sounds like a real confusing pain. And then we just had a that memory loss thing on the island.
You must be all confundled up.

I like to think of it as both. I mean there's a 'The' in there so it would have to be a title but it's my name and I haven't got a clue what a Once-ler is. It's just a me, I guess.

[singstobirds]

I was fortunate enough to miss that, actually, I arrived almost immediately after. I'm glad. I've had more than enough mixed-up memories to last me a lifetime.

That's kind of nice, don't you think? Very unique.

[thneed]

You definitely deserved to be spared of that wonky stuff, definitely.

I like it. It gets a lot of weird looks but yeah. Unique. It sounds important.

[singstobirds]

Exactly! Very important. Does it mean anything, to "Once" something?

[thneed]

I'm not sure. I don't think it does.

[singstobirds]

Well, if it did, I'm sure you would do it well.

[thneed]

I sure hope it means something good.

[singstobirds]

I'm sure it does! Considering you're the one with the title, I'm finding it difficult to imagine it meaning anything but something good.

[thneed]

Well I am really glad you think so, Snow! I'll let you know if I figure it out.

[singstobirds]

Please do!

Where can I pay you for my thneed, by the way?

[thneed]

You can pay upon delivery!

[singstobirds]

Perfect! Thank you!

[thneed]

No, thank you for buying!