thoughtformed | [audio]

[It's too much for him to struggle through typing, but the following comes out almost like a compulsory stream-of-consciousness rant. Connor's voice sounds strained, strangled, threatening tears. It's been building inside him for awhile now, something he's been trying hard to either justify or forget, but it's finally clawed his way out, and he can't stop himself from letting it now.]

I did it. I did what everyone said, I'm the monster they always thought I was. I made Angel disappear and I killed or sabotaged every lead they found along the way. I don't care that they found out, but they never stopped to ask me why, nobody ever wanted to know why I wanted him to suffer. They thought it was just because I hated him, but they didn't know the truth -- and they never wanted to know. All they wanted was for me to be a monster they could blame all of their problems on.

I hate them. All of them. Even my father. Especially him. Self-righteous bastard. He thinks he knows everything because he has a soul, because he's some kind of hero, but I'm the only person who sees him for what he really is. A demon. The soul is a mask he's forced to wear; someday he'll kill all of them and then they'll see.

I was right.

I'm glad I sent Angel to the bottom of the ocean. If he was here, I'd do it again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Nothing brings back the dead.

But you said yourself that you didn't just do it out of hatred.

... I thought it was justice. Wasn't it? All I'd ever known of him were stories of how he'd killed so many. That he'd made hundreds, thousands of people suffer over the centuries. All I knew was that he was a monster.

And then he killed my father. ... Holtz. And I thought death was too good for him. I wanted him to suffer forever.

But once I made him disappear, I had to keep fighting to cover the trail. It got harder to keep up. And then someone found him. They brought him back. And he told me that he didn't kill my father. He told me that someone else did. Someone I trusted. And they had framed him.

And now I don't know what to believe.

At the time, I thought my reasons were just. I thought I was righteous. That it was what Holtz wanted me to do.

Now I don't know who was lying and who was telling the truth, and I'm still just a monster. Nobody should be near me. I didn't want anyone to know about this. But maybe it's good that they do.

Now everyone knows the kind of person I am.

I told you before that you are a good kid, Connor, and I still think you are.

It's not your fault you believed it when someone else framed him. You did what you thought what's right and by the sounds of it, your father is still around?

You are not a monster as long as you have a conscience like that.

If you want, you can hide in the shop for a while. No one can come near you there, just me and people I trust absolutely.

... yeah. He's still around. Even after I locked him up and sent him to the bottom of the ocean. He came back. One of his friends found him. ... the one that kidnapped me when I was a baby.

I think I'm going to go to the forest with Aisling for awhile. I have a place there where I can hide, she showed it to me. I sleep there most of the time. But when I come back -- I'll come to the shop. I promise.

Your life really isn't easy, eh?

Alright. Better keep that promise, I'll be waiting.

"The world is harsh, and it's cruel." My-- Angel told me that, once. It's true, isn't it. At least in Quor'toth, I understood how things worked.

I will. ... I wish people hadn't found out this way. But it's been bothering me. For awhile. And I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I tried to stop myself, but if I couldn't.

Maybe the world is, Connor, but people don't have to be. That way the world can be good as well. If you ever need help understanding anything, you can come see me. I don't understand everything, either.

Next time there is something you can't keep in, just tell me first?

Okay. ... okay. I'll do that.

It's this stupid truth-telling spell.

I figured. I've been running my mouth, too.

It's alright though. No one is after you over it here now, are they?

I don't think so. But I'm going to lay low just to be safe.

I know none of what I said sounded good.

Might help your case to tell people that he is still around.

I... yeah. I should do that.