thoughtformed | [audio]

[It's too much for him to struggle through typing, but the following comes out almost like a compulsory stream-of-consciousness rant. Connor's voice sounds strained, strangled, threatening tears. It's been building inside him for awhile now, something he's been trying hard to either justify or forget, but it's finally clawed his way out, and he can't stop himself from letting it now.]

I did it. I did what everyone said, I'm the monster they always thought I was. I made Angel disappear and I killed or sabotaged every lead they found along the way. I don't care that they found out, but they never stopped to ask me why, nobody ever wanted to know why I wanted him to suffer. They thought it was just because I hated him, but they didn't know the truth -- and they never wanted to know. All they wanted was for me to be a monster they could blame all of their problems on.

I hate them. All of them. Even my father. Especially him. Self-righteous bastard. He thinks he knows everything because he has a soul, because he's some kind of hero, but I'm the only person who sees him for what he really is. A demon. The soul is a mask he's forced to wear; someday he'll kill all of them and then they'll see.

I was right.

I'm glad I sent Angel to the bottom of the ocean. If he was here, I'd do it again.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[He manages the tiniest smile in reply, though it's fleeting.]

I didn't want people to find out this way. About the things I've done. But I couldn't stop myself.

[She tilts her head noncommittally.]

The island is causing something strange again. You didn't have a choice, unless it was to turn on your P. D. A. [Something about the way she pronounces the acronym separates the letters and makes them distinct from one another.] Now all there is to do is to regain your balance and find a way to balance what was said in the minds of those who have heard it.

I couldn't stop myself from turning it on. I tried to, but it was like my hands had a mind of their own. I don't know. Maybe I just needed to try harder to resist. I'm not sure if that's a part of whatever's going on with the island... but I do think I needed to tell someone.

Just not that way. That wasn't the right way to tell. Or the right way to say any of it. It's... everything I said was true. But it got twisted when it came out. I've been thinking about it a lot, lately.

Yeah. I need to get control... stay calm and regain my balance.

I can do that.

... most of the people who have sent me messages are people who already know me. They didn't seem... angry, or afraid. ... worried?

[Now that he's a little calmer, she's having a harder time sitting still again, so suddenly she makes a motion and the background swings upside-down. She keeps the camera oriented with her so that her face is right side up, but her hair streams out of the top of the frame.]

They were worried. They don't want to see you or anyone else get hurt. But mostly you.

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