[audio]

[waywardboy]

[It's too much for him to struggle through typing, but the following comes out almost like a compulsory stream-of-consciousness rant. Connor's voice sounds strained, strangled, threatening tears. It's been building inside him for awhile now, something he's been trying hard to either justify or forget, but it's finally clawed his way out, and he can't stop himself from letting it now.]

I did it. I did what everyone said, I'm the monster they always thought I was. I made Angel disappear and I killed or sabotaged every lead they found along the way. I don't care that they found out, but they never stopped to ask me why, nobody ever wanted to know why I wanted him to suffer. They thought it was just because I hated him, but they didn't know the truth -- and they never wanted to know. All they wanted was for me to be a monster they could blame all of their problems on.

I hate them. All of them. Even my father. Especially him. Self-righteous bastard. He thinks he knows everything because he has a soul, because he's some kind of hero, but I'm the only person who sees him for what he really is. A demon. The soul is a mask he's forced to wear; someday he'll kill all of them and then they'll see.

I was right.

I'm glad I sent Angel to the bottom of the ocean. If he was here, I'd do it again.

Comments

[waywardboy]

I don't know why it came out like that. It was like I couldn't stop myself. I wanted people to know, the ones who've been kind to me. I didn't like lying to him. I wanted to tell them... but not like this.

Now I don't know how to fix it. Aisling asked you to talk to me, didn't she?

There's a lot about me that I want to change, but I don't know where to start. But I want to. I mean that.

[perseverant]

She's worried about you.

I don't know what to tell you about how to change, but I think it has to do with opening yourself and beginning to forgive yourself. If you keep feeling guilty over the same thing, you can't move forward.

[waywardboy]

That sounds... easier than I thought the first step would be. Except it's probably not going to be as easy as it sounds, is it.

I think I can do it, though.

[perseverant]

Some people find it easier than other people. It's different for everyone. Sometimes it takes longer.

[waywardboy]

So I just have to be patient?

[perseverant]

With yourself, yeah.

[waywardboy]

... I can do that. Even if it's hard. I'll do it.

[perseverant]

And be willing to face things that you don't want to hear.