FUCK YOU, I'LL MESSAGE WHO I WANT. I'LL MESSAGE THEM REPEATEDLY AND IN MONOCHROME.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: John (eb)
SUBJECT: HEY.

YOU OK?

---

TO: Victor
SUBJECT: (no subject)

SO UH
HOT "SIZZLING ON FUCKING FIRE BECAUSE SOMEONE STUPID SHIT LEFT THIS OUT AND STARTED A BOUNDLESS BLAZE OF FURIOUS PROPERTY DESTRUCTION" DAMN
THESE SURE ARE MESSAGES. LET'S PRETEND IT ISN'T COMPLETELY OUT OF THE ORDINARY
OR UNLIKELY FOR ME TO SEND THIS TO YOU. I GUESS I JUST
I DUNNO. FORGET ANY EXPLANATION, JUST. SORRY IT HAPPENED TO YOU AGAIN. I HOPE YOU STOP FEELING LIKE COMPLETE SHIT.

---

TO: Nepeta (ac)
SUBJECT: (no subject)

SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED WITH YOUR LUSUS.

---

TO: Kanaya (ga)
SUBJECT: !!IMPORTANT!! UGLY PIECES OF SHIT !!IMPORTANT!!

WHAT'S THE UGLIEST PIECE OF SHIT YOU CAN THINK OF
I MEAN LIKE WHEN IT COMES TO CLOTHES
LIKE HOW IT LOOKS AND WHATEVER.

---

TO: Jade (gg)
SUBJECT: (no subject)

I DON'T FEEL LIKE HEARING ANYONE ELSE'S STUPID THEORIES.
NOIR'S SERIOUSLY GONE? THAT FEELS LIKE COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I BET HE FOUND A WAY OUT.

---

TO: Sollux (ta)
SUBJECT: HEY PROLAPSED ASSHOLE

FFFFUUUUUCK YYYYYYOUUUUUUUU
FUCK YOUR SHIT
DOUBLE FUCK YOUR SHIT
FUCK IT "TWOFOLD"
YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE THAT YET
I'M JUST GETTING A "HEAD START" SINCE I'VE GOT A FEELING YOU'RE GOING TO!

Comments

THANKS FOR SPARING ME THE ANNOYANCE OF EXPLAINING IT.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: GLAD WE HAVE THAT COVERED.

WHAT
JOHN EGBERT DON'T MAKE THAT DUBIOUS SMILING EMOTICON AT ME
NO IT'S NOT
OF FUCKING COURSE I'M GOING TO CHECK
I MEAN
WHY WOULDN'T I.

more like i am sparing myself the grossness.

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: instead we will write inane shit here.

how the fuck is a smiley face dubious?
is :D better?
and i dunno. i guess i don't expect trolls to understand how important my dad was to me, but i also guess it's different with you.

THAT'S JUDGMENTAL. HOW DO YOU KNOW IT'S GOING TO BE GROSS.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING I CAN'T FU

YEAH THAT ONE'S OK
AND WAIT

MAYBE IT'S SOME SORT OF DISGUSTING NAME FOR A HUMAN FOOD

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING I CAN'

WHAT

LIKE YOUR "SHIT" ON A "SHINGLE"

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: DID YOU SAY SOMETHING I

THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN.

that... is not even close to being a name for human food.

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: re: RE: re: RE: re: RE: re: RE: you're a dog

you watched my whole life, dude.
of course you know how important dad is.

seriously, it is so not close it's on another planet.

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: re: RE: re: RE: re: RE: re: RE: you're a dog

why, what did you think it meant?

NO REALLY.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: YOUR HERO RESEMBLES A CONFUSED HUMAN CANINE MAMMAL

WHAT, NOTHING
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD I ASK
WHY DO YOU THINK I THINK IT MEANT SOMETHING???

LOOK IT UP. YOU WON'T (WILL) REGRET IT.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: REGARDING: YOUR HERO RESEMBLING A CONFUSED HUMAN CANINE MAMMAL

ANYWAY, OF COURSE I GET IT, DIPSHIT
I WOULD EVEN IF I DIDN'T WATCH YOUR COMPLETELY UNREMARKABLE LIFE
I KNOW WE'RE DIFFERENT (SEE: I'M STILL BETTER THAN YOU IN EVERY WAY) BUT EVEN IF MY LUSUS WASN'T AN ADULT TROLL MALE OR FEMALE
IT KIND OF FUCKING SUCKS WHEN THEY DIE
SO I CAN IMAGINE IT KIND OF FUCKING SUCKS WHEN THEY DISAPPEAR

i hate you. i hate everything about you.

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: regarding: you being a douchebag who talks about gross names for meat

i think you thought it meant something because you asked what it meant!
that was such a stupid sentence just now!!!

(the platonic kind of hate if that was not clear)

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: seriously so gross

it does suck, but...
this is going to sound weird.
i think he knew he would not be here long.
he said all the right stuff before he left, so weirdly i am pretty ok.
how are you doing?

OK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T NEED TO CLARIFY THAT FUCK YOU

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: IMPORTANT MESSAGE: I DIDN'T MAKE IT UP.

OK, THE ONLY THING YOU GOT RIGHT WAS THAT BEING A STUPID SENTENCE.
ALLOW ME TO USE THE STRATEGIC PLACEMENT OF ASTERISKS TO ASSIST YOU WITH YOUR BRAIN PROBLEM.
*I* (MEANING ME) DIDN'T KNOW WHAT *YOU* (MEANING YOU) MEANT
AS IN *I* (ME, KARKAT VANTAS, AGAIN) DIDN'T THINK *YOU* (THIS IS YOU, JOHN EGBERT) MEANT ANYTHING BECAUSE *I* (ME, THE TROLL WITH THE "LAST" NAME OF "VANTAS") WAS JUST CLARIFYING
TO MAKE SURE *YOU* (YOU, WHOSE "LAST" NAME IS "EGBERT") MEANT NOTHING
DO *I* (KARKAT, MYSELF) NEED TO DRAW *YOU* (JOHN, YOU) A CHART.

LIKE AT ALL. EVER. I DON'T EVEN HATE YOU.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: GUESS WHO DID??? OOPS, YOU RIDICULOUS HUMANS!

HOW FUCKING ARADIA OF YOU, BUT I GUESS THERE'S WORSE PEOPLE TO SOUND LIKE.
SHE'S NOT BAD. I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE STRIDER WAS THE FIRST ONE WHO WENT BACK IN TIME TO SAVE HIS RETARDED LEADER FROM FUCKING UP AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF DYING OR ANYTHING.
UH, BUT THAT DOESN'T HAVE SHIT TO DO WITH ANYTHING
SO I HAVE NO IDEA WHY I FELT LIKE WRITING THAT.
I'M FINE. WHY ARE YOU ASKING. NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME.

i don't hate you either so i guess these subject lines are useless.

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: important message: you totally did.

yes, more shitty diagrams.
that is what my life is missing.
please draw one.

but i feel like clarification is still important...

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: because guess who made humans??? you did!

i don't know, i just wanted to ask.
you have to put up with a lot of shit from everyone and you are really great at holding it together.
and i feel like i have mostly been focusing on how messed i have been.
i was not being a very good friend.
so i am just checking.

SOMEHOW I FEEL LIKE THE SUBJECT LINE UP HERE IS FORESHADOWING SOMETHING.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: DON'T YOU EVEN FUCKING BLAME ME FOR THIS.

WELL SINCE YOU JUST BASICALLY GROVELED
I'LL SPARE YOU THE LAST TATTERED BLUE SCRAPS OF YOUR DIGNITY SO YOU WON'T HAVE TO BEG FOR IT.
JESUS HUMAN FUCK, EGBERT. ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK.

BUT I CAN'T IMAGINE WHAT...

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: FREE WILL AND ALL THAT SHIT. YOU'RE FREE TO BE AS RETARDED AS YOU LIKE!

WHAT

HMMMM.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: WHAT?????????

WAIT, IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE???
THE HOLDING IT TOGETHER PART
BECAUSE IF IT IS, FUCK YOU.
IF NOT THEN...
DUDE, WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN.

there is nothing to foreshadow.

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: ok, so maybe we are responsible for most things.

what?
why would i joke about that?

and if you think there is, you are stupid and you should feel stupid.

[riseup]

TO: karkat (cg)
SUBJECT: BUT we all know that you are the king of shitty names for food

i mean, holding it together as well as you can.
better than anyone else would be able to.

LOOK IF ANYONE IS STUPID AROUND HERE

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: LIKE IT'S MY FUCKING FAULT HUMAN FOOD HAS STUPID NAMES LIKE "EGGPLANT"

JOHN
OK, NO
NORMALLY I'D PROBABLY SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HOW COMPLETELY FUCKING AWESOME I AM
EVEN IF I COMPLETELY FUCKED EVERYTHING UP
I'D SAY IT ANYWAY. LIKE I AM SO FUCKING AWESOME IN ALL REGARDS
WAY BETTER THAN YOU, YOUR INTIMATE SUPERIOR, ETC.

.......IT'S PROBABLY ME.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: OH FUCK

I MEAN ULTIMATE
DAMMIT, OK IGNORE THAT LAST PART.

LIKE 100% FUCKING TOTALLY ME.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: OK THIS IS MY LAST ONE REGARDING THIS ISSUE

THAT'S NOT WHAT'S IMPORTANT, OK???
WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS: DON'T THINK STUPID SHIT.
WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT WITH THIS SELFISH TRIPE?
YOU DIDN'T SAY THE WORD "SELFISH" BUT IT'S IN THERE IN EVERYTHING ELSE.
I'D CALL YOU A LOT OF OTHER THINGS BEFORE I'D CALL YOU THAT.
AND LOOK, EVEN IF I KEEP TALKING SHIT
YOU DID AN OK JOB I GUESS

NOT THAT I JUST MADE THIS KIND OF WEIRD OR ANYTHING.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: OK, FOR REAL THIS IS THE LAST ONE REGARDING THIS ISSUE

I MEAN, PRETTY MUCH FUCKING SPECTACULAR COMPARED TO WHAT I ACCOMPLISHED.
EVEN YOUR DUMBEST SHIT ONLY KILLED YOU.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW MANY ARADIAS DIED BAILING ME OUT.

WELP.

[ihateyouetc]

TO: john (eb)
SUBJECT: OH GOD

WHAT AM I EVEN SAYING