This is not the time I was looking for.

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

Mairwyn? Mairwyn, the device isn't working properly. Where did you go.

Mairwyn?

It's dropped me off in the wrong place.

What's going on? As much as I love coffee, now is neither the time or the place. If this is you trying to remind me of what would have been, I already got that message.

This isn't funny.

Mairwyn, answer me!

Blast. Is this thing broken?

Comments

[allons_y_alonso]

What kind of device are we talking about? Dropped you off... doesn't sound much like a car...

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

What-

How did you get n this connection. This is a secured-

Damn. This is not even the right device. Where the devil did this come from, then. Did you do this?

Look, I do not know who you are, but you had better explain yourself. Where is it? Hand it over. You do not know what you are fooling with.

[allons_y_alonso]

What? Oh no, wasn't me. Definitely wasn't me. What are we looking for?

Anyway, if someone took it, good money's on the Time Agent. They get grabby.

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

There's a Time Agent here, too?

That's just fantastic.

[chronosexual]

Watch it, buddy. You're stuck here.

[allons_y_alonso]

Stuck? Nonsense.

[chronosexual]

Landlocked. Sorry, handsome, but until I get this story straight, you're stuck.

1/2

[allons_y_alonso]

Landlocked?! Ha! Impossible! You can't have landlocked sexy, she wouldn't stand for it!

[allons_y_alonso]

...Bachelor Number Two, we've got a problem. According to my scan, our TARDIS has just been landlocked.

[chronosexual]

Gotcha. Now. Shall we do this the easy way or the fun way? I'd rather you not be struggling when I put the handcuffs on.

[allons_y_alonso]

What if banana split was a clever euphemism? In that case, would the handcuffs be more of an... elective?

[chronosexual]

That depends. You bringing your boyfriend?

[allons_y_alonso]

Is it better if I do or if I don't?

Also, technically speaking, he's not my boyfriend. Bachelors, after all.

[chronosexual]

Bachelor is just a term for woman-less. 'Confirmed Bachelor' is pretty much universal for, 'I like boys', after all.

Well, let's just say that if you do bring him, I might be easier to convince to let these rather big and nasty files I've got just... disappear.

[allons_y_alonso]

Then we'll both be there!

Although, I do have a dinner date first, if you don't mind. Have to stay ahead in points, after all.

[chronosexual]

Well it's not like you're going anywhere else.

[neverstops]

You might have a dinner date, but I have a beach date and later a tour of the island. We'll see.

Now what's this about Banana Splits? You weren't really going to leave me out of the fun were you?

[allons_y_alonso]

I'm just trying to make sure we're not arrested!

By my count, my one date to your two followed by joint banana splits with Strappy (while we talk about Villengard still leaves me ahead by one!

[chronosexual]

How sweet, I've got a nickname already.

[allons_y_alonso]

You never introduced yourself!

Or if you did, I wasn't paying attention!

Besides, Strappy is what we call all the Time Agents we meet!

[chronosexual]

And I thought I was just special.

Call me Jack Harkness. Figure it'd sound better coming out of you than 'strappy', anyway.

[neverstops]

I don't know. Strappy was growing on me. Jack, you say? Jack. Jack.

You don't much look like a Jack.

[chronosexual]

Probably because I'm not. But it's a name, and it's the only one you're getting from me, handsome.

[allons_y_alonso]

Jack Harkness. Sounds vaguely familiar, somehow.

Vortex manipulators are a little crude, though, don't you think? A little show-offy, hands-free... Look what I'm doing! I can jump through space and time with nothing but this large piece of phallic proxy technology!

[chronosexual]

They're small, efficient, and easier to conceal than... seriously? a police box? Usually the phone booths I find people travelling in are red.

And what about it is phallic in the least?

[allons_y_alonso]

We're just having a slight malfunction with the chameleon circuit.... honestly, no-one pays attention to her, usually!

And I did say phallic proxy, not phallic symbol. You can't tell me you don't look at another Agent's wrist strap when you bump into one another.

[chronosexual]

Ohhh now see you're just trying to make me feel insecure. Clever, you.

Whether I do or not is not an of your business, and therefore, your assumption will go unanswered.

[allons_y_alonso]

Have it your way, then.

[chronosexual]

Oh, well in that case, I think I'd like to have you.

[allons_y_alonso]

Buy me a drink first!

[chronosexual]

It's a date.

[allons_y_alonso]

Brilliant!

Private -> Bachelor One

[neverstops]

How did he manage that? No one landlocks our girl.

Private -> Bachelor Two

[allons_y_alonso]

Don't know yet. Time Agent, though. They get toys.

Still, if we can get him juicy enough on the local ethanol products, maybe we can find out!

Private -> Bachelor One

[neverstops]

Right! Mission accepted. Get the Time Agent lacquered.

Private -> Bachelor Two

[allons_y_alonso]

Possibly even shellacked!

[chronosexual]

Wow. Either I've got a malfunction or you are in a lot of trouble.

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

You have several malfunctions, but we won't go into those. What have you done with Mairwyn?

[chronosexual]

Ouch. You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Dunno who you're talking about. Can't say I've ever heard that name before.

But I'd love to learn yours.

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

You'll learn it eventually. I don't see why I should tell you it now.

[chronosexual]

Because I'm impatient, and very interested.

Also because I need it for paperwork. You're not showing up on my scans, I'm afraid, so do you have your papers?

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

Good luck with those scans. It would just be another violation if I told you who I was, so I think I'll pass.

I'm not interested. And if you do not know where Mairwyn is, then you're no use to me.

Wait. You are the Time Agent?

[chronosexual]

Ah, now, see, that doesn't quell my curiosity any. In fact, it only makes me more suspicious. I'd prefer to do it the easy way and not need to restrain you, but I'm prepared to do just that.

And if I were a Time Agent, what makes you think I would tell you?

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

Well, for starters, you pretty much already have, and your recent post to this network only emphasises that point.

Then there is your manner of speech.

And if I had not determined it already, then it would not be that difficult to get you to tell me. Your ego would do most of the work.

Sorry, Jack. You are just not nearly as interesting as you think you are, and I really have more important matters to attend to.

[chronosexual]

Oh you know of me? I knew that I'd gotten around a little, but for a stranger to know who I am? I'm flattered.

But I'm afraid that flattery and romance will have to wait for now. I don't like it when I get talked back to like that.

[stopwatchesandcoffee]

I can think of a dozen other things you will not like right now. And at least twice as many that you would. But you are wasting your time. I did not travel here by choice. I have no time travel device, and I have no intentions of indulging you in flattery or romance, now or in the future.

I'm not interested in being a part of the long line of people you have been 'getting around' with.

[chronosexual]

You say such hurtful things to me, and you don't even know me! Tut, tut, didn't your mother teach you any manners?

Regardless of whether you actually did mean to travel here, you have, and the means in which you've done so are illegal.