An Open Letter

[mylord.livejournal.com]

Dear High School Students, Surrogate Family Members, or Guardians:

        With this letter I extend my deepest regards to all of you -– but I must admit I especially send these regards to the students, whose delightful presences I will find myself in presently.

        My name is Sebastian Michaelis. Effective Monday, I will be responsible for many educational experiences of which students will find themselves intimately aware. Children at a Middle School level of education are already familiar with me, as that is where I started.

        Prior to my employment with New Moore's limited educational institutions, my teaching credentials included but were not limited to: the private tutelage of a very small and somewhat bratty child who found fault with my methods of teaching. When it came time to agree to disagree, I am afraid he had trouble seeing the best option in that scenario was not, in fact, to continue disagreeing with me. I am pleased to report that at the end of many long sessions, education prevailed.

        My hobbies include dusting, cooking, ironing, re-arranging, decorating, and looking at cats fondly from windows, as I rarely have time to go out to greet them myself. I enjoy speaking dead languages, felines of every variety, and several things I must note would be of no interest to you.

        My teaching philosophy is that each student is unique. However, in a classroom setting, each very special and uniquely-not-unique student will be expected to conform to a set of very specific rules which I have no interest in disclosing within this letter, as half the fun in learning is the process of discovery. They will find out soon enough.

        I feel one of my jobs as a teacher is to administer proper discipline to help students better suppress their stubborn individuality during circumstances where it would behoove them not to act against authority figures. I believe in hands-on experiences, learning creatively, and certain strict no-tolerance policies.

        I will be working jointly with Mr. Kotaro, who I am aware is having everyone address him as "Katsura-sensei," as no other name will do. Please disregard everything he may or may not have already said about your education and what is best for you. I am certain he has no idea what he is talking about, even if it is regarding a subject on which he by all means should be knowledgeable.

        Attached you will find a list of requirements each student will need immediately when we begin classes. If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me.

        I am looking forward to interacting with all of you. I expect this year will be full of enlightenments similar to those of the past year and the year before that.



        With warm blessings,



        Sebastian Michaelis
        Head Teacher
        New Moore Educational Institutions



Attachment #1:

List of Required Classroom Materials:

        • No allergies to cats
                Should cats be necessary to the lesson, I will be allowed to administer proper medication to the afflicted child.
        • Consent Form acknowledgment
                See Attachment #2.
        • Uncommon Sense
        • Quiet Attitude
                a. Positive is not necessary.
                b. I do not care about negative.
                c. Be quiet when I am speaking.
        • Prompt attendance
                If you purposefully miss my classes, I would like to ask you please not come back. You may study with Mr. Kotaro instead if his teaching method is preferable.
        • Believability
                a. The human condition mandates that all humans lie.
                b. In turn, I will mandate that if you must lie, lie convincingly.
                c. I will rate each lie I catch. They will be part of your grade.
                d. If your honest reason is a poor reason, such as "the dog ate my homework; no, truly, he ate it this time" I will require you to exercise your creative-thinking and fabricate a believable lie. This will also be a part of your grade.
        • The Ability to Follow Directions

Please request an updated version of this list periodically, as it is liable to change. You will be directly responsible for your own knowledge of the required materials.






Attachment #2:

New Moore Educational Institutions

Informed Consent for Administration of Anesthetics, Antibiotics, Antidotes,
Lotions, Prescription, Non-Prescription, Sedatives, Surgery (rare), Vaccinations,
and All Other Pharmaceuticals.

NME Protocol Number: 6x Version: 1.3
NME Approval Period: Indefinite

CONSENT TO PARTICIPATE IN CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES

Due to unforeseen circumstances, you have been enrolled in any classes taught by Mr. Michaelis. This form will not tell you why this has happened, but it will tell you what may happen, possible risks and benefits to you, and other important information. If there is anything that you do not understand, please do not ask questions until asked if you have questions. Q1. WHY AM I IN THIS CLASS? That is a good question. We are afraid it does not have an appropriate answer and we must do the best with what we are given. If you disagree, please feel free to spend every day exclusively with Mr. Kotaro in his very meaningful classes. Q2. DO I HAVE TO BE IN THIS CLASS? You are free to stay or go, but please be aware if you go, you will be spending your entire day answering to Mr. Kotaro's whims and fancies. Q3. WHY IS THIS BEING DONE? See Q1. Q4a. WHAT POSSIBLE HEALTH RISKS CAN I EXPECT? [M&F] There is a risk these classes will not be beneficial when compounded with your method of learning. There may also be side-effects of which we are not yet aware from Mr. Michaelis himself, or how he conducts his class. If we learn about any important side-effects we will inform you. Some present side-effects may be mild or serious. Some can last a long time or never go away. Many will go away as soon as you have left Mr. Michaelis' class. Excessive misbehaviour may cause complications to develop that lead to life-threatening events, such as infections, kidney failure, bleeding, and unexplained death. Q4b. WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE REPRODUCTIVE RISKS I CAN EXPECT? [F] Possible experiments involved in these classes may affect a baby, before or after the baby is born. We do not know if anything Mr. Michaelis's teaching method does directly causes harm to a baby, so we do not want anyone who might be pregnant to enroll in these classes. You should not become pregnant or nurse a baby while involved in these classes. You must tell Mr. Michaelis right away if you have any reason to believe you are pregnant. If that is the case, you will be subject to a multitude of pregnancy tests to be sure you are not pregnant at the time Mr. Michaelis is informed. Q4c. WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE REPRODUCTIVE RISKS I CAN EXPECT? [M] You should not father a baby while taking part in these classes, as it is unknown if the activities involved in Mr. Michaelis' classroom could affect a baby. If you are deliberately disobeying the age of consent rules and either you or your partner are able to become pregnant, one or both of you are required to use three effective forms of birth control. You must inform Mr. Michaelis right away if you believe your partner is pregnant. Q5. PERMISSION TO COLLECT, USE AND SHARE INFORMATION Questioning or disagreeing with Section Q5 acts as verbal consent to collect, use, and share your information with others. No information shared elsewhere can be considered libelous or slanderous by the relevant parties.

I CONSENT TO PARTICIPATE IN CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES

I have read or had read to me this consent document, whether in pieces or glanced at it briefly to read "Attachment #2" before disregarding it purposefully or accidentally. All of my questions have been answered but perhaps not to my satisfaction. I agree to let Mr. Michaelis teach me in a classroom setting as well as grant him permission regarding the dubious nature of Section Q5. I voluntarily agree to participate in his classes. I understand if I don't participate in his classes, I will be spending my entire day running laps around the school with Mr. Kotaro. This "X" on the signature field is as effective as my written consent as well as the consent of my surrogate parents or guardians.

SUBJECT'S NAME:	SUBJECT'S SIGNATURE:
Surrogate Parent/ Guardian/Student	__________X__________

Comments

[twinknife]

--the hell? What's up with all this fine print? Cat allergies? Believability?? What the-- you mean we get a free pass to bs?

... Aw man, and then we have to pass some kind of lie detector test?? What happened to trusting your students, giving them the benefit of the doubt?

[twinknife]

REPRO--

What is this, the "shock and awe" school of teen pregnancy??

[expositional]

Yes, I also find some choice issues with this document.

[mylord.livejournal.com]

Is it not responsible to inform all those who will be participating of possible risks?

If human reproduction surprises you and you require further knowledge on the topic, I am afraid I must leave that matter in Mister Kotaro's hands.

[mylord.livejournal.com]

I am not sure what happened to trusting my students and giving them the benefit of the doubt, as I have never done it.

However, the so-called "lie detector test" will be based upon my ability to judge how believable your lies are. Please lie carefully.