[Video (with a tiny troll guest star)]

[upstartcrow]

[Iiiiit's big Dave. And in the background of his apartment, is that--]

So in the absence of an actual overlording alien seabitch to take down, it looks like my part in the Great Earth Turf War's been declassed to arguing with troll kindergartners about Dita Disgusta and how she definitely isn't the hero of Turbo Transformin' Power Soldiers. For the record, "Yeah huh she is!" is not a valid point of debate no matter how many exclamation points you tack to the end.

["Shut up, it totally matters!"

Oh god, is that little Vriska scratching up his furniture in the background? Dave, why.]

Yeah, no. Anyway, as dialogically fulfilling as I find this kind of intellectual back-and-forth, the little larva's looking for her mom. And I'm looking not to brood the Empress's get. Also she ate all the bacon I made for lunch. So if anyone's seen like a giant spider--

["Like, HUUUUUUUUGE!"

Dave has to tilt his head a little to indicate how hard he may be rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses.]

--Okay, a huge giant spider, drop me a line. Name's Dave Strider. Like the movie guy.

Comments

[accidents]

I'd like to report before anyone goes messing with you that there are zero giant spidermothers on the entire island unless they live under water, which would probably make them not spiders. The biggest we've got is like a tarantula the size of a small cat. Sorry.

Why'd you cook bacon in front of her, Dave? You can't expect someone not to eat that on you. Bacon 101.

[notvictorious]

uh where did you find cat sized spiders??

[notvictorious]

You can't feed a kid bacon for lunch.

[existechialism]

Uh.
Hey.
Sorry, I don't really know anything about macro arachnids.

[8itty]

Really? Are you sure? How do YOU know?

[accidents]

There was an incident with a vial a trickster god made getting knocked over by a reptile.
I caught most of them so don't worry about it.

[8itty]

Why not? It was the best!

[upstartcrow]

I was gonna eat it
Id have given her one
Probably
Maybe
You know as a bribe to stop her biting through the upholstery

[Video]

[brotimaeus]

I've always been of the opinion that under no circumstances should any Strider be given sole charge of a child. [An amused, if slightly weary-edged smirk accompanies that remark.]

Seems the universe likes to shit on us by having other ideas.

[upstartcrow]

Yeah why not
I mean its no oats and mash but we cant all be awesome pony cooks

[accidents]

Pretty sure. I kind of keep track of the wildlife. She probably would've came out of hiding by now.

1/3

[upstartcrow]

[omg]

[accidents]

You can't give her a stick or something to chew on? A bone? Do trolls do bones?

[upstartcrow]

[omg omg omg]

Done

[upstartcrow]

[Okay no be cool. Be. Be cool, Dave.]

Thats alright
Worse comes to worst Ill just pirate a copy of Spider Riders or something and watch her eyes glaze in the sweet numbing embrace of shitty cartoons
Anyway
You look familiar

[8itty]

Oh.

[ She looks uncertain, like she doesn't really know how to feel about that. She frowns a little, and after a pause she comments rather neutrally. ]

Okay. You're not lying, are you? If you are I'll come beat you up!

[8itty]

No!! That's gross! I'm not a barkbeast!

[Video]

[upstartcrow]

Okay, well, let's say that I basically agree with you. I'm just saying maybe "given" is a strong word.

[notvictorious]

Most?? dios mio

[notvictorious]

You need other food too.

[notvictorious]

I don't want to know what this means. Your homelife was weird enough as normal Dave, I don't want to know.

[accidents]

I'll get 'em all. It's under control.
Probably.

[upstartcrow]

I dont know about you bro but thats not something I really want to find out
Besides I dont have any bones
Just awesome dead things in jars
I had rad taste as a kid hot damn I cant even identify some of these theyre so fucked up

[upstartcrow]

Fine but youre missing out on a tearjerking origin story
I can make her toast
Do trolls eat bread
Fuck I dont even care why am I doing this
Who am I

[accidents]

A what?