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WHAT IS(LAND) REAL(LY FUCKING STUPID)?
A REVIEW OF/COMMENTARY ON A DOCUMENTARY BY,

WHICH HAPPENS TO BE WRITTEN BY

KARKAT

VANTAS

GREAT NOW MY NAME IS PART OF THIS "FULL PACKAGE" WHICH YOU ARE ABOUT TO RECEIVE AND MAY NOW COMMENCE OPENING AND GIVING AS MUCH OF A SHIT ABOUT AS YOU WOULD IF YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE, WHICH IS JACK SHIT BECAUSE IT'S NOT RELEVANT ANYWAY!

OBVIOUSLY I HAVEN'T RECOVERED FROM THE IDIOCY MY SUPERIOR NOT A HUMAN BRAIN SUFFERED WHICH IS WHY MY TEXT IS CENTERED TO CAPTURE THE FEELING OF THE ATROCITY I WITNESSED AND SUBSEQUENTLY MY FEELINGS TOWARD IT, BUT THAT ALONE SHOULD SAY THIS LUDICROUS EXCUSE FOR A STAIN ON THE NAME OF ANYTHING REMOTELY RESEMBLING THE WORD "CINEMATIC" WAS SOPHISTICATED LIKE POISONOUS VOMIT LAYING IN THE CENTER OF A ROOM, KILLING EVERYONE SLOWLY.

IF I HAD RECOVERED, I WOULDN'T BE WRITING THIS! SO WHILE I SIT HERE TRYING NOT TO HAVE A RAGE ANEURYSM WHICH WOULD LEAVE ME COLLECTING MEAL DRIBBLINGS ON MY KEYBOARD LIKE I'M THE MENTALLY CHALLENGED MORON, MAYBE I'LL GENEROUSLY SPARE SOME OF YOU FROM BOTHERING TO WATCH IT EVEN IF YOU GET FREE TICKETS.

ACT I
OH SHIT
THIS ISN'T A PLAY
IF YOU THINK IT IS GET A FUCKING CLUE
THEY MADE A WHOLE HUMAN GAME DEVOTED TO LEARNING HOW TO FIND ONE
HOW PATHETIC IS THAT?

EVEN THIS HORRIFIC ABOMINATION MANAGES TO DO IT

AN OVERVIEW:
IS THIS WHAT HUMAN MOVIES ARE LIKE? ALL OF THE MOVIES? ALL OF THEM? HOLY SHIT. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISN'T WHAT I HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO FOR THE REST OF MY MISERABLE LIFESPAN ON THIS HORRIBLE "IS(LAND)"

THE BARELY-THERE POSITIVES:
TO MAKE THIS VILE EXCREMENT MORE BEARABLE TO WATCH, I PLAYED A GAME CALLED "WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH WITH THAT FAKE FIRE, THAT RAKE, THAT STATUE, THAT ETC." IN THIS GAME I CHALLENGED MYSELF TO PROPERLY GUESS WHAT THE MAIN FOCUS OF THE SCENE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. THE SHITTY THING ABOUT PLAYING A GAME LIKE THIS IS I WAS NEVER ABLE TO KNOW IF I WAS RIGHT SINCE THERE WERE SO MANY USELESS FOCUSES THAT DIDN'T TIE INTO ONE ANOTHER. I GUESS I'LL NEVER FIND OUT UNLESS I BOTHER TO TRACK THIS DERPLORD DOWN AND DISTRACT HIM FROM SHOOTING SOME MORE MEANINGFUL FOOTAGE OF PAINT AND PURPLE SLIME DRYING ON WALLS LONG ENOUGH TO COAX HIM INTO CROAKING SOMETHING IN THE VAGUE SHAPE OF AN ANSWER INSTEAD OF A HEAPING PILE OF HORSESHIT.

SINCE "OH GOD, EVERYTHING" ISN'T DESCRIPTIVE HERE'S A NOTABLE NEGATIVE:
AFTER WATCHING THIS FILM, MILLIONS HAVE BEEN LEFT IN A NON-RESPONSIVE STATE LIKE STALE CRUMBLING BREAD, DEVASTATED BY THEIR FORCED OVEREXPOSURE TO UNADULTERATED STUPIDITY.

SUMMARY:
FROM WHAT I CAN TELL THIS MONSTROSITY STARTS OFF WITH THE SOUNDS OF SUSPICIOUSLY-HARMLESS CREATURES DYING IN AGONY. AFTER THAT THE IMAGE RANDOMLY CHANGES TO PAINT DRYING ON A WALL ONLY TO BE CONSUMED BY THE ALPHA PAINT, WHICH IS THE RED PAINT IN THIS SITUATION I GUESS, CONSUMING THE WEAKER, VULNERABLE PAINT.

THE RED PAINT RUNS THE FUCK OFF AND THERE'S THIS WEIRD LOOKING HUMAN SCREAMING IN THE CAMERA TELLING THIS OBTUSE FLESHSACK FILMING HIM TO STOP BEING A DOUCHE, BUT INSTEAD HAS A VOICE OVER PERFORMED WITH SO MUCH NON-EXISTENT TALENT THAT I COULD COME UP WITH MORE BELIEVABLE DIALOGUE BY OPENING MY MOUTH AND SCREAMING.

THEN THERE'S SOME HORRIBLE MUSIC AND A CONGLOMERATION OF WHO THE FUCK CARES, SUDDENLY THERE'S SOME HUMAN AND PURPLE LIGHTNING! OH SHIT. HUMANS DOING STUPID STUFF? WOW, COLOR ME GREEN AND LET ME GET SWALLOWED BY RED PAINT BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN I'M FUCKING SURPRISED, LIKE HUMANS IN THE BURNING SUNLIGHT WITH THEIR ADULT HUMANS AND GIFT BOXES FULL OF MYSTERY AND MISERY LEFT BEHIND FOR THEM BY THE RED VACATION ASSHOLE AND HIS HORDE OF MUSCLEBEASTS. I FEEL LIKE I'VE SAID THAT AT LEAST TWICE HERE. THIS PLACE TRULY IS THE GIFT THAT KEEPS GIVING LIKE SHIT FROM YOUR CUSTODIAN YOU DON'T ACTUALLY WANT.

WHAT WAS THAT FREAKISH SMALL FUZZY THING WITH THE BOW AROUND ITS NECK? IT DOESN'T HAVE EARS OR LEGS. AND I'M PRETTY SURE THOSE MALE HUMANS ENJOYED BEING FEMALE HUMANS MORE THAN THE FEMALE HUMANS ENJOYED BEING MALE HUMANS. WHAT THE FUCK? IT DOESN'T MATTER, BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU?

THEN SOME BORING STUFF HAPPENS AND THERE'S WHAT I GUESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HUMAN CHEESE IN THE BACKGROUND. OR SOMETHING. MAYBE I COULD TELL IF IT WASN'T SO STUPID.

WHY AM I WATCHING THIS TO TYPE A SUMMARY? THIS ISN'T EVEN A SUMMARY ANYMORE AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I GOT THIS PIECE OF SHIT. I DIDN'T RECORD IT. THIS IS LIKE ONE CONTINUAL STREAK OF BAD LUCK. OR A JOKE. A BAD JOKE. WHY AM I SUBJECTING MYSELF TO IT AGAIN. THIS IS THE WORST IDEA I'VE HAD SINCE SOME OF THE IDEAS PAST ME HAS HAD AND I CAN'T YELL AT ME FOR IT SINCE I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW AND IT'S NOT EFFECTIVE IF I'M YELLING AT CURRENT ME.

WAIT, IS THIS MORON ELABORATELY MANIPULATING SMALL FIGURES TO TOUCH EACH OTHER IN THEIR VAGUELY SHAPED ANATOMIES AND THEN THROWING THEM ON THE GROUND TO CRUSH THEM?

WOW, WHAT.

OKAY I'M PRETTY SURE THAT EXACT INTERVIEW WAS USED TWICE BACK TO BACK. HOLY SHIT, HE DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO SPACE IT OUT. HAHAHAHAHA, WHAT A TOOL

OH FUCK, WHAT'S THIS?

I FOUND A CLUE. WHAT DOES IT SAY?

YOU CAN'T BURN AN ISLAND DOWN, DULLARD. OH NO! A MOB OF POORLY EDITED CLEANING OBJECTS, AND I THINK THOSE HUMANS ARE TALKING TO EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF MOBBING! WOW I CAN'T BELIEVEOHHHHH FUCK THIS SHIT JUST GOT REAL OH FUCK THE RED PAINT IS BACK AND IT'S OUT FOR REVENGE.

BECAUSE EVERYONE REALLY BELIEVES THAT.

ALIEN SHIPS DON'T LOOK LIKE THAT, FUCKBUCKET. TAKE IT FROM ME, I KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WOW THAT COMPUTER JUST CHANGED COLOR LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE NO ONE EVER WANTED TO HAPPEN! AND NOW THIS PERSON IS REFERRING TO THEMSELVES BY NAME WHILE THEY WRITE SO EVERYONE CAN CLEARLY KNOW WHO THEY ARE, AGAIN, BECAUSE I, KARKAT, THINK THAT MATTERS.

AND LIKE MOST ALIENS WOULD EVEN WANT TO GIVE SOME STUPID HUMAN IN A BEAST SUIT ANY KIND OF POWERS EVEN IF THEY COULD. THE ONLY POWER THEY'D GIVE HIM IS HOW TO DIE PAINFULLY. WHAT COULD THIS HORRIBLE INACCURACY POSSIBLY MEAN EXCEPT THE EDITOR HAS A CASE OF TERMINAL RETARDATION? IS HE GOING TO "BITE THE DUST"?

FIND OUT IN THE NEXT SHITTY FILM HE MAKES BECAUSE THIS POINTLESS NARCISSISM ISN'T OVER YET.

DID I REALLY SEE THIS PIECE OF SHIT? WAS IT REAL? WHAT IS REAL? AND WHEN WILL IT FUCKING STOP?

FUCKING FIN

HATEFRIENDLY NETWORK COMMENTARY FROM YOUR RESIDENT GOD

1/several ok i don't know