thoughtformed | (no subject)

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D --> I am a bit confused as to the purpose of this world
D --> Or even where e%actly it is located
D --> I presume this is another dream bubble, but it seems to be overrun by humans
D --> None of whom appear to be the humans I am semi-familiar with
D --> And I must admit, it angers me to be called fictional
D --> Being dead does not alter the state of one’s realness
D --> Also, what is this sch001feeding the humans are speaking of
D --> I am no wiggler, I do not need to be sch001fed
D --> I am, in fact considerably older than I 100k
D --> Possibly
D --> I would appreciate an e%planation, as I have been forbidden to smash any more things

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[She'll never, ever look ordinary to him, no matter how long it's been since they were together.]

I don't think there is any real point in waiting. [He's just staring at her, and though his eyes are covered, when it comes to her he's always been pretty easy to read.]

You're still very lovely. [And he must have learned something in all that time being dead, because he doesn't qualify it with anything, doesn't say 'for one of your low breeding', or make some comment about her casual clothing.]

Thank you. [She's not sure what else to say...but after a long moment she moves forward, and wraps her arms around him very carefully. It's the least she can do. Despite their difficulties, she's- well, she's happy to see him. In her own way, which if full of ambivalence and worry and uncertainty on how to tell him what she needs to tell him. But she bears him less ill will than some people, and has more depth of feeling for him than others.] I really am glad to see you. I imagine you probably have a lot you want to say too.

[He freezes ... and then wraps his arms around her shoulders in return in that careful way of his, that way that says she's something precious that he's terrified of breaking. Though after a moment, that relaxes a little too, and he dips his head just so he can smell the mass of her dark hair, between her horns.]

I am not sure what I would say. [he admits in a soft voice] I have had a great deal of time to think, but ... perhaps just that I am sorry.

[Of all things he might have said, that's not what Aradia would have expected.]

What are you sorry for? [She can think of a lot of things she would like for him to apologize for, and she can't quite look up at his face to ask him what's going on. But she can hope that maybe, maybe maybe maybe, he'll apologize for one of the right things. Even if it's too late for him to reclaim or stake a claim to her red quadrant now.]

I believe I may have ... [He stops, not quite sure how to put it into words. These kinds of thoughts were a long time in coming to him, after sweeps of being alone, unchanging, never growing older, never becoming what he should have. Stasis in death had given him at least some perspective on what he had perhaps done wrong in their relationship, but it hadn't suddenly made him eloquent about such things.]

I wanted you to be a thing which perhaps you weren't. I mistook certain attributes of yours for your whole being, and thought all I had to do was fix the rest.

I believe now that you probably did not need fixing.

[He's grateful she's not looking up - it's hard to admit to such a wrong doing, different than confessing little peccadilloes in the hope of chastisement. This is a real thing he did, and the part of his old self hanging on is furious at him for apologizing to a lowblood for trying to better her station. But he suspects he never really made her happy, not in the way other trolls did, and for that he really is sorry. It makes him feel like a failure, and not in the pleasant, perverse way.]

[Oh. Oh oh oh, of all the things he might have said, Aradia would never have hoped that he would say something like that. He'd never apologized, not truly, for what he did with the heart and her soulbot; she wasn't sure he ever would, really, if he could understand what was so wrong about it.]

I'm- really glad you understand, Equius.

[She lets go of him, thinking it's already dragged on too long, but she can't hide the surprise in her face when she pulls back, though she didn't mean for him to see. She's not trying to hurt his feelings.]

Yes. [It had felt so nice to hold her for what seemed like far too short a moment, so nice to feel her fever warm body in his arms instead of cold steel, and he clasps his hands in front of himself as she steps back, dropping his head, hair falling in his face, feeling hollow again already.] Obviously, it is not a situation that comes about in one's night to night existence, but if it were to happen again, I wouldn't do that. I hope that you can accept my apology.

[He's hiding in formal words now, still not looking up.]

Of course I accept it! Honestly I've been hoping you would come around and see why that made things so difficult for awhile now, but we didn't really get it quite as ironed out as that.

[What else is she going to say, really? It's a weight off her shoulders, to know that he actually, finally, understands why she was so upset. It doesn't change anything that she needs to tell him, but it makes it a little easier to hope that he'll be ok with what she has to say.]

No, I suppose not. [He's silent for a long moment, then glances up at her, wanting to stall for more of her time, but realizing that's probably not a great idea. She's likely going to tell him that she never loved or even really hated him, and that they can never be together, and he'd really rather get that over with.]

What did you wish to speak with me about?

[That's not quite what she wants to say, but she would never try to claim it wasn't along some of those lines.

Everybody said to just be honest. This can't come as so much of a surprise, can it?]

I don't think we should be in quadrants anymore.

I wasn't aware we were in quadrants any more. [He says it dully, heart breaking just a little bit more, though no, this doesn't come as a surprise at all.] I had gathered you were no longer interested in pursuing a relationship when you did not speak with me for sweeps, nor sought me out at all after I died.

[Ah yes, there it is. She knew he would say something like that.

Aradia always has a reason, for why she does what she does, or she tries to. Logically, she had one for that too. But if she's honest, it was easier to just get lost in doing other things, spending all the time on that, and not looking at the vague pangs of guilt. He had Aradiabots! She didn't really feel too sorry about it, thinking him better off- except apparently not, after all. Now, now, she feels well and truly guilty. She could have at least given him an explanation.]

You didn't need me anymore, Equius.

I'll always need you. [Simply, not looking at her.] But I know you don't need me. I have come to accept this. It does not make me happy, but.

[Well. Not much does, now that Nepeta's gone. Content, maybe, but not really happy.] It's fine.

[She doesn't try to make him look at her, but she's not going to give way on this point.]

No, you don't. You want me to stay with you, but the truth is that you don't need me. You don't need me to help you accomplish anything. You don't need me to have a purpose or carry on with your life, even your life in death. You don't need my encouragement. You didn't even need me to be me. That's not a condemnation, it's just a fact.

[He doesn't say anything ... all that is completely true, of course, but it's not how he means he needs her, and he's not sure how to explain it properly. Or if it even really matters.]

[That was harsh. She didn't need to be that harsh. She hesitates, for a moment, before reaching out to pat his arm, gently, as though she can offer him any kind of comfort.]

I'm not the same person I used to be. [What does she say?] And I don't think we can make each other happy.

I would try. [Too little, too late, but there it is. Part of him thinks he really could, too, if he just tried hard enough. It's perhaps a theme in his life, working as hard as he can to make up for these voids, but it's never quite enough.]

I know you would.

[And he really would. He would do whatever he thought he had to, to make her happy. It's one of his more touching qualities, that he tries and offer everything, and that he offers it without expecting anything in return.]

But you deserve somebody who can make you happy, as yourself.

That is a kind sentiment. [And forgive him if he sounds just a little bitter, because they both know his prospects are probably not real bright. He's awkward, serious, sweaty, and generally incredibly uncharming, and it was never an area he'd had much luck in before. She could have at least a modest string of suitors lined up ... Equius, not so much.]

[She could, but she doesn't, because the battle for Aradia's hand on New Moore was concluded long, long ago, and there's nothing any of them can do about it now.]

I don't say it to be kind. I say it because it's true.

I have been dead long enough to realize that what a person deserves is not always what they get. Or maybe even rarely.

No, the alpha timeline doesn't really care about any of that sort of thing. [She sounds so casual, as though this doesn't trouble her in the slightest- Aradia has a lot of faith in the alpha timeline, in doing what must be and letting those events unfold, even when she doesn't want to consciously contribute.] But we're outside of it now. Think of this as a second chance!

[sighs, and then gives her a frank look, though it's really hard to tell with those white eyes through dark glasses] Aradia. Your encouragement is kind. But it is not as though I am going to go live in a cave and never talk to anyone. I don't really want to contemplate finding another matesprit right now, even though you think that would make me happy.

[Really, right now? He just wants his moirail. Really, really bad.]

I didn't mean it that way!

[On matters of total emotional understanding, she tries really hard. But sometimes Aradia misses the mark. She's hard to upset, and she's hard to hurt properly, and she tries to be blunt and open and cheerful about everything, without ever thinking that it might hurt somebody else.]

I just meant- I don't want you to be- I was trying to help, Equius.

I know. [And he would like to be stoic and accepting of the fact that she seems extremely, exuberantly fine without him. He knew it would be the case. But this is harder than he expected, and he's really not sure how much more of her encouragement he can take.]

Perhaps it is best that I settle in on my own.

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