BASED ON A TRUE STORY. FUCK ALL OF YOU.

[ihateyouetc]

OK, I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE HERE TO HAVE ANY STUPID ASSHOLE'S BLUE CLUE OR ANYTHING EVEN VAGUELY COMPARING TO AN ANSWER AS TO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED OVER THE LAST STRETCH OF MISERABLE HUMAN DAYS.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN WANT AN EXPLANATION!
I'VE GIVEN UP ON EXPECTING ANYTHING EQUIVALENT TO A REASONABLE ANSWER.
I DO NOT HAVE ONE SOLITARY GOD-FEARING EXPLETIVE TO SCREAM TO THE SKY. I WILL NOT SET IT FREE TO ECHO INTO SPACE AND SHAKE THE WHOLE GODDAMN UNIVERSE WHERE IT MIGHT GO ON TO HERALD THE COMING OF A NEW RAGE HOTTER AND MORE POTENT THAN ANY OTHER FORCE OF SHEER ANIMOSITY BEFORE IT.
ACTUALLY, SPARE ME THE BULLSHIT!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS PLACE.
THE QUESTION I HAVE IS A SIMPLE ONE.
IT DOES NOT ASK MUCH.
IT IS MEEK. IT IS HUMBLE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SANE AND WITHIN REASON.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE EASY TO PROVIDE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS: WHAT IN THE ALMIGHTY FUCK DID I WAKE UP TO
AND WHY DID ANYONE THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA???
I MEAN SERIOUSLY?????
BUT I GUESS I HAVE TO HAND IT TO SOME OF YOU!
JOHN, THAT WAS AMAZING!
YOU DIDN'T BITE IT LIKE AN EMACIATED HUMAN DOG LUNGING FOR A HANDOUT.
I KNOW HOW HARD THAT HAD TO BE FOR YOU, SO REALLY, GREAT JOB!
LALONDE (PSA: THE PURPLE ONE; PINK ONE NEED NOT REPLY) I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
EVEN IF I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I AM PRETTY SURE THAT WAS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

/!\ ATTENTION /!\

/!\ STRIDER OF THE RED DOUCHE PERSUASION /!\

/!\ THIS PART IS ABOUT YOU! /!\

/!\ PLEASE, WILL DAVE STRIDER CTRL+F HIS NAME AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PART? /!\

/!\ THANKS! /!\

BLUE MAGNUM????
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????????
WHO WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT EVEN AS A JOKE.
DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND BECOME A PARTICIPANT IN A FREAK FOSSIL FUEL FIGHT ACCIDENT.

/!\ OK, NOW YOU CAN FUCK OFF /!\

NOT THAT I REMEMBER.
I'VE JUST BEEN BROWSING THROUGH THESE MEMOS WITH MONUMENTAL MORTIFICATION, BUT THAT TIME IS COMING TO a*** CLOSE.
I'M GOING TO STOP EXPENDING MY ENERGY ON READING THESE AND TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER WHAT THE SHIT. INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO PUT ALL MY "STRENGTH" TOWARD A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT, SUCH AS SMASHING MY CRANIAL SHELL AGAINST THE WALL IN MY COMPARTMENTHIVE BLOCK IN RAPID SUCCESSION, TRYING TO ACCUMULATE ENOUGH MENTAL DAMAGES TO EITHER COMPLETELY FUCKING FORGET THE RIDICULOUS "PICTURES" AND EVERYTHING ELSE I WAS UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO SEE AFTER EMERGING FROM A PILE OF LIMBS SO CAREFULLY PLACED SO AS TO TRAP SOMEONE INSIDE THEM THAT IT WAS ALMOST LIKE I WAS INTRODUCED TO A SOFTER, KINDER, EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING VERSION OF ERIDAN'S SHITTY WAND PILE OR I JUST FLAT-OUT BREAK THROUGH THE WALL WITH SUCH GUSTO I MIGHT AS WELL GO PUT ON A BLACK "TANK" TOP, TAKE A BRIEF BREAK TO ROLL IN THE ABLUTION TRAP, AND COME BACK TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE HOLE I JUST MADE WHILE PRETENDING I'M DRENCHED IN SWEAT AS I DRIP A PUDDLE OF SHAME TO STAND IN WHILE SLOWLY TURNING MY HEAD TO MY TERMINALLY RETARDED HIVEMATE AND ASK HIM FOR A TOWEL.
WHICH ONE WILL IT BE???
I DON'T KNOW! PRETTY FUCKING PROMISING CHOICES THERE.
I GUESS WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE COMES FIRST!
PLACE YOUR BETS.
AUGH
WHATEVER
FUCK THIS.



OH SHIT EDIT
*** LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING REMINDER OF HUMILIATION.
THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT, ASSHOLE.

Comments

[ihateyouetc]

UH
FROM WHAT I READ.

[riseup]

dumbass.

[ihateyouetc]

YEAH, YEAH
WHATEVER. I ALREADY SAID I'M NOT ARGUING THIS.

[riseup]

you don't get to argue it because i just won!

[ihateyouetc]

YOU DIDN'T WIN SHIT.
I'M JUST TOO TIRED TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW, OK???

[riseup]

i totally won.
john: over 9000, karkat: probably 0.

[ihateyouetc]

FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU DID WIN.
YOU WON THE PRIVILEGE OF ME NOT HANDING YOUR ASS BACK TO YOU AND USING YOUR DELICATE HUMAN SELF-ESTEEM AS AN ENTERTAINMENT ARTICLE IN WHICH TO SINK MY DENTITION SO I COULD ASSUAGE MY UNDILUTED UMBRAGE AS IF I WAS THE HUMAN DOG HERE
BUT I'M NOT, SO YOU'RE IN LUCK!
YOU GOT A GOOD BREAK BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT.
HELL, GREAT TIMING TOO, SO I GUESS I SHOULD SAY "GOOD BR8K."

[ihateyouetc]

BASICALLY WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS
JOHN: 1
KARKAT: 8999 AND OVER PAST FUCKING INFINITY

[riseup]

wouldn't it be 8r8k?
i'm so excited vriska is back!

[riseup]

ok, you have no proof of those 8999+ points, but whatever makes you feel better.

[ihateyouetc]

OH SHIT. YOU GOT ME.
OR MAYBE IT SHOULD BE 8888R8888K????????

[ihateyouetc]

MORE LIKE WHATEVER MAKES *YOU* FEEL BETTER.
IF YOU WANT TO FEEL SUPERIOR FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE
THEN JUST SAY SO! MAYBE I'LL EVEN PRETEND TO BE A BIT BOTHERED SO YOU CAN GET THE FULL EXPERIENCE.

i don't even know what this is about anymore

[riseup]

karkat.
it's ok to accept that i am right and you are wrong.
i won and you lost.
it really is ok!
like principal dinkerton says, this is a safe space.
no one will judge you.

I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT I JUST WROTE.

[ihateyouetc]

BLAH BLAH BLAH. MY NAME IS JOHN EGBERT. :B
LOOK AT THIS OUTBURST OF LITTLE HUMAN WORDS I'M SAYING!
MUCH LIKE THE FIRST TIME I SAID SOMETHING TO THAT EFFECT, I AM COMPLETELY DEAD WRONG ABOUT PRACTICALLY EVERYTHING AS USUAL.
NO ONE IS SURPRISED EXCEPT THOSE WHO ARE AFFLICTED WITH A SEVERE CASE OF MENTAL DETERIORATION, WHO ALSO HAPPEN TO BE SURPRISED BY THE FACT THEY HAVE APPENDAGES.
MY GOD, WHEN DID THESE GET HERE??? EVERY DAY SURE IS A SURPRISE!!!

BUT IT SURE IS SOMETHING I GUESS.

[ihateyouetc]

THE :B MAKES THAT AUTHENTIC, BY THE WAY.

YEP. DEFINITELY SOMETHING.

[ihateyouetc]

ANYWAY, THE POINT IS I'M RIGHT, YOU'RE WRONG.
YOU'RE PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING EVER.
AND CONTRARY TO WHAT THE DINKERTON HUMAN PRINCI"PAL" SAYS
THERE IS NO "SAFE SPACE" FOR YOU, JOHN.
THE ONLY "SAFE SPACE" IS OUTSIDE THE RANGE OF MY CRITICAL ASSESSMENTS, IN WHICH YOU STAND AS THE FOCAL POINT AS IF PAINTED INTO SOME BORING PICTURE CREATED BY SOME GUY WHO REALLY LIKES PAINTING THE SAME SUBJECT MATTER OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
AND I AM JUDGING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU.

who's the slow one now

[riseup]

name one time i have ever been surprised by my appendages.
your impression has gotten a lot better since the stupid matchmaker prank, but you still have a long way to go.
watch and learn.

the longer it goes on the less sense it makes

[riseup]

BLUH BLUH I'M KARKAT
FUCK FUCK FUCK
HAHA OF COURSE I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING
WHY WOULD REMEMBERING ANYTHING BE A THING THAT I WAS DOING
ALSO I'M A HUGE LOSER WHO CAN'T ADMIT WHEN HE HAS LOST
WHICH IS RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE JOHN WON
HE WON FOREVER
GOSH THAT'S HARD TO SAY BUT OH WELL THERE I FUCKING SAID IT!!!

as if it ever made sense to begin with

[riseup]

i'm so glad you admitted it.
good job, everyone is very proud of you.

i'm not sorry

[riseup]

[ihateyouetc]

OH FUCK, YOU'VE REALLY GOT ME THERE WITH THAT CERTIFICATE AND THE MONKEY.
THE MONKEY WITH THE GLASSES REALLY SEALS THE DEAL.
WHY IS THAT MONKEY WEARING GLASSES??? HA HA, WHAT A GOOD JOKE!
MONKEYS DON'T WEAR GLASSES. GIVE THOSE BACK!!!
I GUESS I HAVE TO GRACIOUSLY ACCEPT DEFEAT.
SINCE I'M AMONG THOSE WHO ARE QUALIFIED TO HIGHLIGHT YOUR MYRIAD SUCCESSES AT THE GAME WE CALL "LIFE"
NO RELATION TO THAT SHITTY BOARD GAME WHERE I THINK YOU PICK YOU'RE THE HUMAN DOG OR THE SHOE??
PLEASE ACCEPT MY HUMBLE CONTRIBUTION TO THE ALTAR OF "OHHHH SHIT, JOHN IS REALLY WINNING BIG AND SIMULTANEOUSLY BURNING THE SHIT OUT OF ME.
SOMEONE TAKE ME TO THE HUMAN BURN DOCTOR TO GRAFT MY SKIN BACK ON."

SORRY.

[ihateyouetc]

I WILL RETALIATE AGAINST THIS LATER WHEN I THINK OF SOMETHING

[riseup]

oh my god, dude.
you are the only person besides the daves who keeps tally of how much i have died.

DON'T MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE WHILE YOU STRUGGLE TO THINK OF SOMETHING TO COUNTER IT.

[ihateyouetc]

IF WE'RE GETTING TECHNICAL AND YOU DON'T FOLLOW THE "TRY TO LIVE" OPTION OF THE FIRST "GET KILLED HORRIBLY" PART ON THE FLOW CHART, I MISSED ONE.

Thanks Karkat

[callbacks]

actually thats just davesprite
he keeps me updated