thoughtformed | BASED ON A TRUE STORY. FUCK ALL OF YOU.

Skip to Main Content

Entry tags:

BASED ON A TRUE STORY. FUCK ALL OF YOU.

OK, I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE HERE TO HAVE ANY STUPID ASSHOLE'S BLUE CLUE OR ANYTHING EVEN VAGUELY COMPARING TO AN ANSWER AS TO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED OVER THE LAST STRETCH OF MISERABLE HUMAN DAYS.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN WANT AN EXPLANATION!
I'VE GIVEN UP ON EXPECTING ANYTHING EQUIVALENT TO A REASONABLE ANSWER.
I DO NOT HAVE ONE SOLITARY GOD-FEARING EXPLETIVE TO SCREAM TO THE SKY. I WILL NOT SET IT FREE TO ECHO INTO SPACE AND SHAKE THE WHOLE GODDAMN UNIVERSE WHERE IT MIGHT GO ON TO HERALD THE COMING OF A NEW RAGE HOTTER AND MORE POTENT THAN ANY OTHER FORCE OF SHEER ANIMOSITY BEFORE IT.
ACTUALLY, SPARE ME THE BULLSHIT!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS PLACE.
THE QUESTION I HAVE IS A SIMPLE ONE.
IT DOES NOT ASK MUCH.
IT IS MEEK. IT IS HUMBLE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SANE AND WITHIN REASON.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE EASY TO PROVIDE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS: WHAT IN THE ALMIGHTY FUCK DID I WAKE UP TO
AND WHY DID ANYONE THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA???
I MEAN SERIOUSLY?????
BUT I GUESS I HAVE TO HAND IT TO SOME OF YOU!
JOHN, THAT WAS AMAZING!
YOU DIDN'T BITE IT LIKE AN EMACIATED HUMAN DOG LUNGING FOR A HANDOUT.
I KNOW HOW HARD THAT HAD TO BE FOR YOU, SO REALLY, GREAT JOB!
LALONDE (PSA: THE PURPLE ONE; PINK ONE NEED NOT REPLY) I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
EVEN IF I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I AM PRETTY SURE THAT WAS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

/!\ ATTENTION /!\

/!\ STRIDER OF THE RED DOUCHE PERSUASION /!\

/!\ THIS PART IS ABOUT YOU! /!\

/!\ PLEASE, WILL DAVE STRIDER CTRL+F HIS NAME AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PART? /!\

/!\ THANKS! /!\

BLUE MAGNUM????
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????????
WHO WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT EVEN AS A JOKE.
DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND BECOME A PARTICIPANT IN A FREAK FOSSIL FUEL FIGHT ACCIDENT.

/!\ OK, NOW YOU CAN FUCK OFF /!\

NOT THAT I REMEMBER.
I'VE JUST BEEN BROWSING THROUGH THESE MEMOS WITH MONUMENTAL MORTIFICATION, BUT THAT TIME IS COMING TO a*** CLOSE.
I'M GOING TO STOP EXPENDING MY ENERGY ON READING THESE AND TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER WHAT THE SHIT. INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO PUT ALL MY "STRENGTH" TOWARD A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT, SUCH AS SMASHING MY CRANIAL SHELL AGAINST THE WALL IN MY COMPARTMENTHIVE BLOCK IN RAPID SUCCESSION, TRYING TO ACCUMULATE ENOUGH MENTAL DAMAGES TO EITHER COMPLETELY FUCKING FORGET THE RIDICULOUS "PICTURES" AND EVERYTHING ELSE I WAS UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO SEE AFTER EMERGING FROM A PILE OF LIMBS SO CAREFULLY PLACED SO AS TO TRAP SOMEONE INSIDE THEM THAT IT WAS ALMOST LIKE I WAS INTRODUCED TO A SOFTER, KINDER, EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING VERSION OF ERIDAN'S SHITTY WAND PILE OR I JUST FLAT-OUT BREAK THROUGH THE WALL WITH SUCH GUSTO I MIGHT AS WELL GO PUT ON A BLACK "TANK" TOP, TAKE A BRIEF BREAK TO ROLL IN THE ABLUTION TRAP, AND COME BACK TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE HOLE I JUST MADE WHILE PRETENDING I'M DRENCHED IN SWEAT AS I DRIP A PUDDLE OF SHAME TO STAND IN WHILE SLOWLY TURNING MY HEAD TO MY TERMINALLY RETARDED HIVEMATE AND ASK HIM FOR A TOWEL.
WHICH ONE WILL IT BE???
I DON'T KNOW! PRETTY FUCKING PROMISING CHOICES THERE.
I GUESS WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE COMES FIRST!
PLACE YOUR BETS.
AUGH
WHATEVER
FUCK THIS.

OH SHIT EDIT
*** LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING REMINDER OF HUMILIATION.
THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT, ASSHOLE.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

dont worry
ive got a contingency plan for the day john snaps
sure hes a mild mannered tool by day
but when the moon is in the seventh house
he becomes the hammer
and were all heads to be nailed

WAIT, WAIT. I THINK CAN TRANSLATE THIS.
I'M STARTING THE TRANSLATION FROM "MASSIVE FUCKING DOUCHE" TO "NORMAL SENTIENT CREATURE."
SO BASICALLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS

"I'M GOING TO EMPLOY THE USE OF IRREVERENCE TO AVOID THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ISSUE SO I CAN KEEP BEING AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK
BECAUSE I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT AT ALL!
AND IF I DID, I'D PROBABLY BREAK DOWN AND BAWL.
OHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT 'MAD' RHYMES JUST THERE I AM A FUCKING THROWDOWN CHAMPION."

FUCK OFF.

look
there was that one time rose went grimdark
all woebegoth weeprage and garbling in tongues and shit
so trolls dont have the monopoly on batshit insane ok im pretty sure i get it

im critiquing your objective awesomeness levels ok
not your leadership skills
or your ability to lead a herd of ravenous backstabbing murder psychos
which by definition is not very awesome

OH, NO SHIT? ONE TIME??
WELL YOU'VE GOT ME THERE!!!
HA HA, YES! ABSOLUTELY. DEFINITELY GOT ME THERE BECAUSE THAT IS NOT ONE FANFUCKINGTASTIC STRETCH AT ALL.
I MUST HAVE SOMEHOW MISSED SIGNIFICANT PORTIONS OF MY CONVERSATIONS WITH JADE AND JOHN WHERE THEY REFERENCE HER FLIPPING HER HOMICIDAL SHIT AND TRYING TO KILL ALL YOU GUYS.
OH WELL, I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT!

Edited (CLARITY EDIT GOD DAMMIT.) 2012-09-04 02:19 (UTC)

DUDE. JUST FACE IT.
ALL OF YOU GUYS ARE PRETTY NORMAL.
I MEAN LALONDE IS PROBABLY THE ONLY HUMAN I CAN NAME WHO WOULD ACTIVELY BENEFIT FROM ESTABLISHING A MOIRALLEGIANCE AND EVEN WITH THAT SHE'S MORE HARMFUL TO HERSELF THAN SHE IS TO ANYONE ELSE AROUND HER.
YOU GUYS AREN'T EXACTLY RAGING SHITHIVE PSYCHOS.
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.
IT JUST MEANS YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
WHICH ISN'T A BAD THING EITHER, SO I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE TRYING TO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
IT'D BE FUCKING AWESOME IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT IT, BUT THAT'S JUST HOW IT WENT I GUESS.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I BROUGHT THIS UP AGAIN. I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN'T FUCKING DROP IT.
WHATEVER.

BACK TO WHAT ACTUALLY FUCKING MATTERS: YOU CAN'T EVEN CRITIQUE MY FUCKING "AWESOMENESS LEVELS."
YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M CAPABLE OF.
YOU DIDN'T SEE ME PLAY THE GAME.
ALL YOU'RE AWARE OF IS ALL THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED AFTER MY SESSION AND THE SHIT THAT HAPPENS HERE.
WHICH, TO BE HONEST, IS KIND OF LESS AWESOME THAN USUAL.
AND I GUESS YOU SAW WHATEVER MELODRAMATIC SPASTIC SHIT HAPPENS ON THE METEOR AFTER SOME POINT WHERE I DON'T FUCKING KNOW BECAUSE I'M NOT PART OF THAT TIMELINE ANYMORE.
BUT THAT'S NOT A REFLECTION OF HOW AWESOME I ACTUALLY AM, OK???

if you say so
i guess ive got no choice but to accept the opinion of the guy that thinks the four of us are in any way normal

well ok johns pretty normal
minus the betty crocker thing??
and his taste in movies
and i guess the way he listens to people who are actively trying to get him killed all the time
but yeah besides that hes pretty average

but yeah jurys still out on how awesome you were during the game until the defense brings in some goddamn evidence
and ive heard from the top prosecutor herself
that you guys are actually
...
not all that rad

YEAH, THE CROCKER THING IS REALLY WEIRD.
I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S CONSISTENTLY CROSSED THAT NAME OUT LIKE IT ACTUALLY REMOVES THE FACT HE'S CONSUMING SOMETHING FORGED UNDER THE BRAND NAME "BETTY CROCKER."
HE WILL SIT THERE AND OBSESSIVELY DEFACE EVERY SINGLE ITEM THAT READS THE BRAND NAME UNTIL IT'S SCRATCHED OUT OR DRAWN OVER.
ONCE THAT'S DONE HE CARRIES ON AS IF NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.
EVEN IF YOU'RE PRESENT AND STARING AT HIM, HE JUST ACTS LIKE IT'S NO THING.
NOPE! NOTHING STRANGE JUST HAPPENED AT ALL. THIS SURE ISN'T ODD AS FUCK!
SO OK, YOU ACTUALLY GOT ME. I'M NOT EVEN SAYING THAT TO BE A DOUCHE THIS TIME.
THREE OF YOU ARE ACTUALLY PASSABLY NORMAL BY "NOT COMPLETE RAGING SHITHIVE PSYCHO" STANDARDS.
JOHN IS KIND OF MESSED UP.

Edited (FORGOT SOME WISHY-WASHY WORDS.) 2012-09-04 03:02 (UTC)

BUT WHO CARES. ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.
TEREZI'S JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE SHE KNOWS WHAT WENT DOWN POST-SESSION.
WE WERE FUCKING AWESOME DURING IT.
I'M DONE EXPLAINING THIS SINCE I HAVE JACK AND SHIT TO PROVE TO YOU, SO I GUESS YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO ON NOT KNOWING HOW WE MADE THE GAME OUR BITCH WHILE YOU GUYS MADE BASICALLY NO PROGRESS AT IT AT ALL!
SAD STORY, BRO.

hahahaha ok
yeah everything you just said was completely right in every way
if you were an angle youd have exactly ninety degrees
look at that corner you could build a table on that angle

IF I WAS A RIGHT ANGLE I'D BE NINETY DEGREES OF PURE FUCKING TERROR.
WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR "TABLE" COMPARISONS.
WHAT DOES THE "TABLE" COMPARISON EVEN MEAN. WHAT WERE YOU EVEN GOING FOR THERE?
SINCE YOU'RE MAKING SUCH FANTASTIC LOGICAL LEAPS, ALLOW ME TO SPRING TO THE TOPIC OF "TABLES" CREATED BY HTML.
OH SHIT "SON", LOOK OUT. MORONS WHO ARE COMPLETELY OUTDATED STILL PUT THEIR DATA INTO "TABLES"!
HMMMMMMM. HOW FAR CAN I POSSIBLY REACH BEFORE NONE OF THIS MAKES ANY SENSE ANYMORE???
OH WAIT, IT NEVER MADE ANY SENSE TO BEGIN WITH FROM THE START SO WHY SHOULD I WORRY ABOUT THAT?
YOU COULD TOTALLY GET A CHART OUT OF DATA COMPILED FROM "TABLES."
MAYBE YOU'RE FEELING LEFT OUT AND YOU'RE ASKING ME TO MAKE YOU A CHART LIKE I MADE JOHN!
WELL GOSH GOLLY GEE DIPSHIT, WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO BEFORE!
I CAN DO THAT FOR YOU.

HERE.
MUCH LIKE YOUR ENTIRE UNIVERSE, I CREATED THIS FOR YOU.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

holy shit
this

this is the worst spaghetti noodle dish anyones ever tried to serve me
i
im gonna cry
fuck im taping this to the ceiling above my bed
im going to print it on a pillowcase
tattoo it on my shoulder
im going to take this unholy mess down to the local wiccan convention and handfast the shit out of it
you can be the matron of honor at our commitment ceremony
rose is reading our vows
johns tearfully recites edwin mccain lyrics in the middle of his best man speech
jade jumps out of the wedding cake
oh my fucking god
christ i cant breathe hahahahaha

DUDE.

DO I NEED TO FIND SOMEONE WHO GIVES A SHIT TO TAKE YOU TO THE HUMAN VET.
I THINK YOUR DELICATE CRANIAL SHELL IS FRACTURED.
OR YOUR THINKPAN IS BROKEN OR SOMETHING?
WHATEVER IT IS, IT SOUNDS FUCKED UP.

its fucked coupled and knocked up
pregnant with emotion
i hope its a girl
youre the godfather
someone tell bro hes gonna be a granddad

OK, I ONLY VAGUELY KNOW WHAT HALF OF THAT MEANS AND I REALLY DON'T CARE TO KNOW THE REST OF IT.
YOU WEREN'T EVEN SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT.
JUST SHUT UP AND DO YOU WANT WITH IT, ALRIGHT???
DON'T FUCKING SAY I NEVER DID ANYTHING FOR YOU OR WHATEVER THAT COMMON CLICHE IS.

k
thx honeybunches

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only