Equius Zahhak (
freakystrong) wrote in
thoughtformed2013-04-05 09:39 pm
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D --> I am a bit confused as to the purpose of this world
D --> Or even where e%actly it is located
D --> I presume this is another dream bubble, but it seems to be overrun by humans
D --> None of whom appear to be the humans I am semi-familiar with
D --> And I must admit, it angers me to be called fictional
D --> Being dead does not alter the state of one’s realness
D --> Also, what is this sch001feeding the humans are speaking of
D --> I am no wiggler, I do not need to be sch001fed
D --> I am, in fact considerably older than I 100k
D --> Possibly
D --> I would appreciate an e%planation, as I have been forbidden to smash any more things
D --> Or even where e%actly it is located
D --> I presume this is another dream bubble, but it seems to be overrun by humans
D --> None of whom appear to be the humans I am semi-familiar with
D --> And I must admit, it angers me to be called fictional
D --> Being dead does not alter the state of one’s realness
D --> Also, what is this sch001feeding the humans are speaking of
D --> I am no wiggler, I do not need to be sch001fed
D --> I am, in fact considerably older than I 100k
D --> Possibly
D --> I would appreciate an e%planation, as I have been forbidden to smash any more things
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D --> I would be pleased to speak with you at any time you desired
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it would be a good idea to talk about some of this stuff
if you feel ready to
you did just get here
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D --> You didn't seem interested after I died
D --> Or rather, you didn't see me at all, so I didn't know
D --> But I would very much like to talk to you, whenever you cared to
D --> There is little else that could take precedence
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i can come find you and we can talk
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D --> I believe I am awaiting housing assignment
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[But of course, she has a cheat. She can be there in the next moment, between one and a next, and because this is where she's apparently meant to be there she is. She can be there the moment she needs to be while spending time seeking out Karkat's advice and wondering how to put this, to give herself the time to sort it all out in her head.
She doesn't look the same as she used to; she's only a little taller, than she used to be, but a little fuller too, her hair bigger and her clothes a different kind of obnoxious than bright red God Tier, in her red sweater patterned with ghosts and her bright red boots, her symbol carefully stitched into the fabric of her skirt. She would look almost ordinary, if not for the fact that nobody wears ghost sweaters in spring, and she weren't rather alien compared to everybody else.]
Hi.
[It's not as brightly as she might have greeted somebody else, but she still smiles.]
We don't have to talk about anything if you want to wait until you get settled in, you know.
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I don't think there is any real point in waiting. [He's just staring at her, and though his eyes are covered, when it comes to her he's always been pretty easy to read.]
You're still very lovely. [And he must have learned something in all that time being dead, because he doesn't qualify it with anything, doesn't say 'for one of your low breeding', or make some comment about her casual clothing.]
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I am not sure what I would say. [he admits in a soft voice] I have had a great deal of time to think, but ... perhaps just that I am sorry.
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What are you sorry for? [She can think of a lot of things she would like for him to apologize for, and she can't quite look up at his face to ask him what's going on. But she can hope that maybe, maybe maybe maybe, he'll apologize for one of the right things. Even if it's too late for him to reclaim or stake a claim to her red quadrant now.]
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I wanted you to be a thing which perhaps you weren't. I mistook certain attributes of yours for your whole being, and thought all I had to do was fix the rest.
I believe now that you probably did not need fixing.
[He's grateful she's not looking up - it's hard to admit to such a wrong doing, different than confessing little peccadilloes in the hope of chastisement. This is a real thing he did, and the part of his old self hanging on is furious at him for apologizing to a lowblood for trying to better her station. But he suspects he never really made her happy, not in the way other trolls did, and for that he really is sorry. It makes him feel like a failure, and not in the pleasant, perverse way.]
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I'm- really glad you understand, Equius.
[She lets go of him, thinking it's already dragged on too long, but she can't hide the surprise in her face when she pulls back, though she didn't mean for him to see. She's not trying to hurt his feelings.]
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[He's hiding in formal words now, still not looking up.]
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[What else is she going to say, really? It's a weight off her shoulders, to know that he actually, finally, understands why she was so upset. It doesn't change anything that she needs to tell him, but it makes it a little easier to hope that he'll be ok with what she has to say.]
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What did you wish to speak with me about?
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Everybody said to just be honest. This can't come as so much of a surprise, can it?]
I don't think we should be in quadrants anymore.
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Aradia always has a reason, for why she does what she does, or she tries to. Logically, she had one for that too. But if she's honest, it was easier to just get lost in doing other things, spending all the time on that, and not looking at the vague pangs of guilt. He had Aradiabots! She didn't really feel too sorry about it, thinking him better off- except apparently not, after all. Now, now, she feels well and truly guilty. She could have at least given him an explanation.]
You didn't need me anymore, Equius.
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[Well. Not much does, now that Nepeta's gone. Content, maybe, but not really happy.] It's fine.
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No, you don't. You want me to stay with you, but the truth is that you don't need me. You don't need me to help you accomplish anything. You don't need me to have a purpose or carry on with your life, even your life in death. You don't need my encouragement. You didn't even need me to be me. That's not a condemnation, it's just a fact.
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I'm not the same person I used to be. [What does she say?] And I don't think we can make each other happy.
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[And he really would. He would do whatever he thought he had to, to make her happy. It's one of his more touching qualities, that he tries and offer everything, and that he offers it without expecting anything in return.]
But you deserve somebody who can make you happy, as yourself.
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