BASED ON A TRUE STORY. FUCK ALL OF YOU.

[ihateyouetc]

OK, I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE HERE TO HAVE ANY STUPID ASSHOLE'S BLUE CLUE OR ANYTHING EVEN VAGUELY COMPARING TO AN ANSWER AS TO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED OVER THE LAST STRETCH OF MISERABLE HUMAN DAYS.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN WANT AN EXPLANATION!
I'VE GIVEN UP ON EXPECTING ANYTHING EQUIVALENT TO A REASONABLE ANSWER.
I DO NOT HAVE ONE SOLITARY GOD-FEARING EXPLETIVE TO SCREAM TO THE SKY. I WILL NOT SET IT FREE TO ECHO INTO SPACE AND SHAKE THE WHOLE GODDAMN UNIVERSE WHERE IT MIGHT GO ON TO HERALD THE COMING OF A NEW RAGE HOTTER AND MORE POTENT THAN ANY OTHER FORCE OF SHEER ANIMOSITY BEFORE IT.
ACTUALLY, SPARE ME THE BULLSHIT!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS PLACE.
THE QUESTION I HAVE IS A SIMPLE ONE.
IT DOES NOT ASK MUCH.
IT IS MEEK. IT IS HUMBLE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SANE AND WITHIN REASON.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE EASY TO PROVIDE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS: WHAT IN THE ALMIGHTY FUCK DID I WAKE UP TO
AND WHY DID ANYONE THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA???
I MEAN SERIOUSLY?????
BUT I GUESS I HAVE TO HAND IT TO SOME OF YOU!
JOHN, THAT WAS AMAZING!
YOU DIDN'T BITE IT LIKE AN EMACIATED HUMAN DOG LUNGING FOR A HANDOUT.
I KNOW HOW HARD THAT HAD TO BE FOR YOU, SO REALLY, GREAT JOB!
LALONDE (PSA: THE PURPLE ONE; PINK ONE NEED NOT REPLY) I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
EVEN IF I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I AM PRETTY SURE THAT WAS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

/!\ ATTENTION /!\

/!\ STRIDER OF THE RED DOUCHE PERSUASION /!\

/!\ THIS PART IS ABOUT YOU! /!\

/!\ PLEASE, WILL DAVE STRIDER CTRL+F HIS NAME AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PART? /!\

/!\ THANKS! /!\

BLUE MAGNUM????
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????????
WHO WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT EVEN AS A JOKE.
DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND BECOME A PARTICIPANT IN A FREAK FOSSIL FUEL FIGHT ACCIDENT.

/!\ OK, NOW YOU CAN FUCK OFF /!\

NOT THAT I REMEMBER.
I'VE JUST BEEN BROWSING THROUGH THESE MEMOS WITH MONUMENTAL MORTIFICATION, BUT THAT TIME IS COMING TO a*** CLOSE.
I'M GOING TO STOP EXPENDING MY ENERGY ON READING THESE AND TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER WHAT THE SHIT. INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO PUT ALL MY "STRENGTH" TOWARD A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT, SUCH AS SMASHING MY CRANIAL SHELL AGAINST THE WALL IN MY COMPARTMENTHIVE BLOCK IN RAPID SUCCESSION, TRYING TO ACCUMULATE ENOUGH MENTAL DAMAGES TO EITHER COMPLETELY FUCKING FORGET THE RIDICULOUS "PICTURES" AND EVERYTHING ELSE I WAS UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO SEE AFTER EMERGING FROM A PILE OF LIMBS SO CAREFULLY PLACED SO AS TO TRAP SOMEONE INSIDE THEM THAT IT WAS ALMOST LIKE I WAS INTRODUCED TO A SOFTER, KINDER, EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING VERSION OF ERIDAN'S SHITTY WAND PILE OR I JUST FLAT-OUT BREAK THROUGH THE WALL WITH SUCH GUSTO I MIGHT AS WELL GO PUT ON A BLACK "TANK" TOP, TAKE A BRIEF BREAK TO ROLL IN THE ABLUTION TRAP, AND COME BACK TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE HOLE I JUST MADE WHILE PRETENDING I'M DRENCHED IN SWEAT AS I DRIP A PUDDLE OF SHAME TO STAND IN WHILE SLOWLY TURNING MY HEAD TO MY TERMINALLY RETARDED HIVEMATE AND ASK HIM FOR A TOWEL.
WHICH ONE WILL IT BE???
I DON'T KNOW! PRETTY FUCKING PROMISING CHOICES THERE.
I GUESS WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE COMES FIRST!
PLACE YOUR BETS.
AUGH
WHATEVER
FUCK THIS.



OH SHIT EDIT
*** LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING REMINDER OF HUMILIATION.
THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT, ASSHOLE.

Comments

gable you

[riseup]

jeez, calm down, i went back and read it after.
dave really wins for the hugest douchebag this time.
but rose was so cute, what's wrong with rose?

CLEARLY I NEED TO USE A FATHER YOUR VOICE WILL BABY I WILL LIKE TO LIVE WITH A LOT

[ihateyouetc]

SHE WAS PROBABLY PLOTTING SOMETHING.
I DON'T KNOW
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER.

holy shit stop

[riseup]

you sure do remember a lot for a guy who doesn't really remember.

YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.

[ihateyouetc]

DAMMIT, I ALREADY ADDRESSED THIS.
I WAS READING THE MEMOS TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK WAS UP.
ONLY, SURPRISE! THE FUCK WAS SO FAR UP I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING FIND IT.

[riseup]

hmmmmmmmm.
that sounds like a pretty convenient excuse to me.

[ihateyouetc]

GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON WHY IT ISN'T COMPLETELY PLAUSIBLE.

[riseup]

how do you know i didn't die?
what if i did and nobody mentioned it?
maybe because i was stuck with all of you guys in roxy's apartment the whole time?
but i bet you don't remember that part either.

[riseup]

you also said you don't remember three times so far.
not counting all the times you yelled it this morning.
just saying.

[riseup]

whatever, i don't actually care about your shitty lies about not remembering anything.
i'm just glad you are back to normal.

[ihateyouetc]

JOHN, LET'S JUST POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS HERE.
THERE IS NO WAY YOU'D DIE AND NOBODY WOULD MENTION IT.

[ihateyouetc]

[ihateyouetc]

[ihateyouetc]

I ASKED YOU FOR ONE REASON, YOU IDIOT. NOT SOME STUPID CLUMP OF THEM.
ANYWAY, I COULD ARGUE ALL OF THESE BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE IT RIGHT NOW.

[riseup]

it could have happened!
you were all pretty busy playing ponies.

[riseup]

i have evidence.

[ihateyouetc]

OH GOD
WHO CARES
HE ISN'T EVEN ME.

[ihateyouetc]

I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHO HE IS
BUT HE REALLY ISN'T ME.

[riseup]

what about the rest of them?

[ihateyouetc]

WHO THE HELL KNOWS.
BUT THEY'RE NOT THEM. THEY'RE DIFFERENT.

[riseup]

that is pretty much what i figured.
i believe it.

[ihateyouetc]

DON'T GET ME WRONG.
THEY DID AND WILL PROBABLY DO SOME PRETTY FUCKED UP SHIT
AND IT'S NOT LIKE THEY DIDN'T BASICALLY ALL TRY TO KILL EACH OTHER AT SOME POINT
BUT LIKE...
THEIR PERSONALITIES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
THERE'S NO WAY IT'S THEM.

[ihateyouetc]

UH
FROM WHAT I READ.

[riseup]

dumbass.

[ihateyouetc]

YEAH, YEAH
WHATEVER. I ALREADY SAID I'M NOT ARGUING THIS.

[riseup]

you don't get to argue it because i just won!