attn bloodsuckers

[callbacks]

this is dave striders guide to polite dining

one
please and thank you are your friends
your friends are also your friends
bear that in mind when you try to eat them

two
clean up after yourselves
believe me your meal is not gonna just wipe itself off when youre done so have a little civic decency please and byob
bring your own bandaids
the superhero ones work best thats a scientific fact

three
whoevers spreading the rumor that i passed out in gym class yesterday is a dirty fuckin liar and should be ashamed of themselves
that was a completely intentional premeditated nap
falling down was part of the plan
but if anyone could lend me a copy of their english and history notes id appreciate it

Comments

[andagoodsoldier]

oh my god, no wonder everyone's trying to mother you. i feel like i'm watching that damn sarah mclachlan commercial with all the abused puppies.

that's how everyone feels about you and your stoic one-man blood bank thing, dude.

[callbacks]

actually my alternate universe mom is one of the few people in this post not trying to angercoddle me
but
what
i think i resent that comparison

[andagoodsoldier]

okay so by everyone i actually meant the majority of people who are aware of the fact that you're a walking feed-bag.

don't worry, though, you're in the arms of the angels.

[callbacks]

oh my god no im not a fucking rescue dog
im a conditionally immortal time traveling douchebag with awesome shades and ive got a sword and if i came with a musical theme itd have a way sicker beat

[andagoodsoldier]

too late, i already switched my ringtone.

[andagoodsoldier]

well, your ringtone for my phone.

[callbacks]

i was going to ask if you still need help getting down from the lightpole but now im not interested

[andagoodsoldier]

oh damn how will i get down now

do you know any other anemic middle schoolers who might be interested??

[callbacks]

nope because im the only one with the reluctant hero complex

[andagoodsoldier]

you just worry about regenerating platelets while i worry about badass shit like werewolves and vampires.

btw i left the pole behind twenty minutes ago.

[callbacks]

jesus how long were you up there

[andagoodsoldier]

long ass time.

long ass time. my arms are still kind of crampy.

[callbacks]

next time that happens you can probably call one of the spidermans
they get around

[andagoodsoldier]

i don't want this to come out sounding the wrong way, but i get around, too.

who the fuck is/are spiderman/s?

[callbacks]

superheroes with spider powers
like they shoot web and swing around the city and have spider sense
not sure if the wisecracking is part of the power package or just comes to them naturally
but anyway you can see why theyd be particularly suited to helping people off lightpoles

[andagoodsoldier]

jesus, only if i wanted to get some dude's ass-webbing all over me!

[callbacks]

im no expert on the subject but im pretty sure the webs dont come out of their butts
i mean thatd be pretty hard to get through the spandex

[andagoodsoldier]

spider webs come out of spider butts, you don't need an expert to tell you that.

granted, the spandex would be an issue.

[callbacks]

i could ask one i guess
they seem cool

[andagoodsoldier]

wouldn't that be insensitive? maybe they don't want to talk about it.

[callbacks]

yeah maybe
i guess if i see one when i go back on patrol ill try to make out how they do it

[andagoodsoldier]

because it's not insensitive unless they catch you scoping their goods?

also, you patrol?

[callbacks]

oh
yeah i guess i forgot to tell you
when im not going to school or delivering pizzas through time or serving myself on a platter to the vampire population miss danvers lets me tag along as her sidekick
thats our pe teacher
she doesnt actually keep her identity secret

[andagoodsoldier]

my condolences, the sidekick gig is rough.

[callbacks]

i dunno
when i do things on my own i tend to get kind of dead
and miss danvers is basically awesome