BASED ON A TRUE STORY. FUCK ALL OF YOU.

[ihateyouetc]

OK, I DON'T EXPECT ANYONE HERE TO HAVE ANY STUPID ASSHOLE'S BLUE CLUE OR ANYTHING EVEN VAGUELY COMPARING TO AN ANSWER AS TO WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED OVER THE LAST STRETCH OF MISERABLE HUMAN DAYS.
IN FACT, I DON'T EVEN WANT AN EXPLANATION!
I'VE GIVEN UP ON EXPECTING ANYTHING EQUIVALENT TO A REASONABLE ANSWER.
I DO NOT HAVE ONE SOLITARY GOD-FEARING EXPLETIVE TO SCREAM TO THE SKY. I WILL NOT SET IT FREE TO ECHO INTO SPACE AND SHAKE THE WHOLE GODDAMN UNIVERSE WHERE IT MIGHT GO ON TO HERALD THE COMING OF A NEW RAGE HOTTER AND MORE POTENT THAN ANY OTHER FORCE OF SHEER ANIMOSITY BEFORE IT.
ACTUALLY, SPARE ME THE BULLSHIT!
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THIS PLACE.
THE QUESTION I HAVE IS A SIMPLE ONE.
IT DOES NOT ASK MUCH.
IT IS MEEK. IT IS HUMBLE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SANE AND WITHIN REASON.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS SOMETHING THAT SHOULD BE EASY TO PROVIDE.
WHAT IT WONDERS IS: WHAT IN THE ALMIGHTY FUCK DID I WAKE UP TO
AND WHY DID ANYONE THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA???
I MEAN SERIOUSLY?????
BUT I GUESS I HAVE TO HAND IT TO SOME OF YOU!
JOHN, THAT WAS AMAZING!
YOU DIDN'T BITE IT LIKE AN EMACIATED HUMAN DOG LUNGING FOR A HANDOUT.
I KNOW HOW HARD THAT HAD TO BE FOR YOU, SO REALLY, GREAT JOB!
LALONDE (PSA: THE PURPLE ONE; PINK ONE NEED NOT REPLY) I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.
EVEN IF I CAN'T REMEMBER ANYTHING I AM PRETTY SURE THAT WAS ALL YOUR FUCKING FAULT.

/!\ ATTENTION /!\

/!\ STRIDER OF THE RED DOUCHE PERSUASION /!\

/!\ THIS PART IS ABOUT YOU! /!\

/!\ PLEASE, WILL DAVE STRIDER CTRL+F HIS NAME AND TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PART? /!\

/!\ THANKS! /!\

BLUE MAGNUM????
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?????????
WHO WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT EVEN AS A JOKE.
DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND BECOME A PARTICIPANT IN A FREAK FOSSIL FUEL FIGHT ACCIDENT.

/!\ OK, NOW YOU CAN FUCK OFF /!\

NOT THAT I REMEMBER.
I'VE JUST BEEN BROWSING THROUGH THESE MEMOS WITH MONUMENTAL MORTIFICATION, BUT THAT TIME IS COMING TO a*** CLOSE.
I'M GOING TO STOP EXPENDING MY ENERGY ON READING THESE AND TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER WHAT THE SHIT. INSTEAD, I'M GOING TO PUT ALL MY "STRENGTH" TOWARD A MORE NOBLE PURSUIT, SUCH AS SMASHING MY CRANIAL SHELL AGAINST THE WALL IN MY COMPARTMENTHIVE BLOCK IN RAPID SUCCESSION, TRYING TO ACCUMULATE ENOUGH MENTAL DAMAGES TO EITHER COMPLETELY FUCKING FORGET THE RIDICULOUS "PICTURES" AND EVERYTHING ELSE I WAS UNLUCKY ENOUGH TO SEE AFTER EMERGING FROM A PILE OF LIMBS SO CAREFULLY PLACED SO AS TO TRAP SOMEONE INSIDE THEM THAT IT WAS ALMOST LIKE I WAS INTRODUCED TO A SOFTER, KINDER, EVEN MORE EMBARRASSING VERSION OF ERIDAN'S SHITTY WAND PILE OR I JUST FLAT-OUT BREAK THROUGH THE WALL WITH SUCH GUSTO I MIGHT AS WELL GO PUT ON A BLACK "TANK" TOP, TAKE A BRIEF BREAK TO ROLL IN THE ABLUTION TRAP, AND COME BACK TO STAND IN FRONT OF THE HOLE I JUST MADE WHILE PRETENDING I'M DRENCHED IN SWEAT AS I DRIP A PUDDLE OF SHAME TO STAND IN WHILE SLOWLY TURNING MY HEAD TO MY TERMINALLY RETARDED HIVEMATE AND ASK HIM FOR A TOWEL.
WHICH ONE WILL IT BE???
I DON'T KNOW! PRETTY FUCKING PROMISING CHOICES THERE.
I GUESS WE'LL SEE WHICH ONE COMES FIRST!
PLACE YOUR BETS.
AUGH
WHATEVER
FUCK THIS.



OH SHIT EDIT
*** LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING REMINDER OF HUMILIATION.
THANKS FOR POINTING IT OUT, ASSHOLE.

Comments

[callbacks]

whoever that was
and whatever he did
since i dont remember jack shit
is this what having a drunk blackout is like because seriously i lost like two weeks of my life and my mouth tastes like ass
and my head feels like ive been standing there talking to you for ten minutes
but anyway
he wasnt future me
anymore than carekat was future you

[ihateyouetc]

OK, FUCKED-UP HUMAN WORLD ITERATION YOU THEN.
I'M PRETTY SURE I REMEMBER THE PINK LALONDE SAY HE WAS HER UNIVERSE RED DOUCHE STRIDER.
LIKE FROM LOOKING THROUGH THE BACKLOGS AND STUFF, SO HE'S STILL TECHNICALLY YOU EVEN IF HE ISN'T YOU.
AS IN HE WAS THE BASE TEMPLATE YOU, GROWN UP IN A UNIVERSE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM YOURS.
YOU BOTH HAD THE MAKINGS FOR THE SAME PERSONALITY AND THE SAME OLD SHIT, BUT IT WENT DOWN DIFFERENTLY.

[ihateyouetc]

YOU CAN'T SAY HE WASN'T FUTURE YOU ANY MORE THAN THAT ASSHOLE WAS FUTURE ME.
THAT WAS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM WHAT HAPPENED TO ME.
HIS ENTIRE PERSONALITY WAS DIFFERENT. IT JUST FEELS ALL WRONG.

[callbacks]

yeah i guess
one of yous a sweet and delicate rare alternian flower who could never hurt a fly even if he wanted to
and then the others a badass fucking renegade
who doesnt afraid of death

SOMEBODY DOESN'T KNOW HIS MEMES.

[ihateyouetc]

"WHO DOESN'T AFRAID OF DEATH"
WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN???
THE GRAMMAR IS ALL STUPID AND WRONG.

[ihateyouetc]

ANYWAY FUCK RIGHT OFF.
"SWEET" IS THE LAST FUCKING WORD ANYONE WOULD EVER ATTRIBUTE TO ME.
ON TOP OF THAT, IF I'M ANY KIND OF BLOOMING PLANT
IT'S THE KIND OF BLOOMING PLANT THAT MURDERS THINGS IN COLD BLOOD.
YOU IDIOTS FUCKED UP YOUR SESSION SO BADLY YOU HAD TO SCRATCH.
YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET ANYWHERE NEAR COMPLETION.
WE FUCKING FINISHED IT AND PRETTY MUCH ALL OF US OBLITERATED OUR DENIZENS.
AND AFTER THAT, YOU KNOW, THE BLACK KING???

[ihateyouetc]

WE WERE ALL FUCKING AWESOME UNTIL YOUR SESSION'S JACK HAPPENED.
THE "WE" INCLUDES ME, BY THE WAY.

[callbacks]

you know im actually trying to picture you murdering anything in any kind of blood
like im really going all out suspension of disbelief
ask me if i believe in fairies right now and ill be your one man applause station
well
ok given aradia thats not the best example but ive got the whole grid on lockdown trying to develop this image
hold on im going to need a visual aid

[callbacks]

NOT ACTUALLY MAKING THIS ANY BETTER.

[ihateyouetc]

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT.
FUCK YOU. YOU JUST COLORED OVER ONE OF YOUR ALREADY SHITTY PICTURES.
YOU TOTALLY JUST FUCKING COLORED OVER ONE OF YOUR ALREADY SHITTY PICTURES AND JUST ADDED A "BUTERFLY" AND RED TEXT.
THAT'S NOT EVEN ACCURATE.
THE ONLY FUCKING TIME I FELL DOWN ANY STAIRS WAS WHEN I WAS RUNNING AWAY FROM GAMZEE.
AND THE ONLY REASON I EVEN DID THAT WAS BECAUSE I WAS CARRYING SOLLUX'S UNCONSCIOUS BODY SO HE WOULDN'T GET MURDERED AND THEN I ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HIM.
AND HIS TEETH GOT KNOCKED OUT??
I MEAN I DON'T THINK HE KNOWS THAT YET SINCE HERE HE'S KIND OF BEHIND ON THE TIMELINE AND SINCE HE CURRENTLY HAS ALL OF HIS TEETH.
BUT THAT'S THE ONLY FUCKING TIME, SO FUCK YOUR "VISUAL REPRESENTATION"

[callbacks]

golly gee karkat
that all sounds like you were being basically completely fucking awesome to me

[ihateyouetc]

SPARE ME YOUR CONDESCENDING "COOL KID" CALUMNY.
I FIND IT PRETTY FUCKING FAR-FETCHED TO THINK YOU'D HANDLE IT ANY BETTER IF YOUR FRIENDS STARTED TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER, INCLUDING YOU.

[callbacks]

dont worry
ive got a contingency plan for the day john snaps
sure hes a mild mannered tool by day
but when the moon is in the seventh house
he becomes the hammer
and were all heads to be nailed

[ihateyouetc]

WAIT, WAIT. I THINK CAN TRANSLATE THIS.
I'M STARTING THE TRANSLATION FROM "MASSIVE FUCKING DOUCHE" TO "NORMAL SENTIENT CREATURE."
SO BASICALLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS

[ihateyouetc]

"I'M GOING TO EMPLOY THE USE OF IRREVERENCE TO AVOID THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ISSUE SO I CAN KEEP BEING AN INSUFFERABLE PRICK
BECAUSE I DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT AT ALL!
AND IF I DID, I'D PROBABLY BREAK DOWN AND BAWL.
OHHHHH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT 'MAD' RHYMES JUST THERE I AM A FUCKING THROWDOWN CHAMPION."

[ihateyouetc]

FUCK OFF.

[callbacks]

look
there was that one time rose went grimdark
all woebegoth weeprage and garbling in tongues and shit
so trolls dont have the monopoly on batshit insane ok im pretty sure i get it

[callbacks]

im critiquing your objective awesomeness levels ok
not your leadership skills
or your ability to lead a herd of ravenous backstabbing murder psychos
which by definition is not very awesome

[callbacks]

youre right though i shouldve used grey text
i dont know what came over me
here let me fix it

[callbacks]

better

BREAKIN IT UP INTO TWO THREADS BECAUSE THAT'S THE KIND OF ASSHOLE I AM.

[ihateyouetc]

WHY DOES IT HAVE SENSORY FILAMENTS NOW???
I'M NOT A GODDAMN POUNCEBEAST.
AND NO, IT'S NOT BETTER.
IT'S WORSE
WHICH IS KIND OF WHAT YOU GO FOR, SO NO SURPRISE THERE!
SO YOU'RE WELCOME ON THE EXPECTED FUCKING FEEDBACK.

[callbacks]

thank
you fill the cockles of my heart with warm butter and clam sauce

I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHY HE TOOK MOST OFFENSE TO THIS PART.

[ihateyouetc]

THANK WHAT???
IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE LIKE THAT.
IT COULD BASICALLY BE "THANK" ANYBODY.
THIS CONVERSATION IS ALMOST AS INFURIATING AS THE WHITE-TEXT ASSHOLE TALKING TO ME ABOUT THE MESSAGE HE SENT ME ON KANAYA'S COMPUTER ABOUT NOT TURNING MY BACK ON THE BODY.
I KEEP SAYING "WHAT BODY??? YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY WHICH BODY. THERE WERE MORE THAN JUST A COUPLE FUCKING BODIES SO YOU NEED TO BE MORE SPECIFIC."
AND HE KEEPS BEING ANYTHING BUT SPECIFIC AND HE'S JUST DOING IT TO BE AN ASSHOLE, KIND OF LIKE YOU.
MAYBE YOU TWO SHOULD TALK. YOU MIGHT "HIT IT OFF." WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
ANYWAY, ACRONYMS AND CONTRACTIONS EXIST TO SHORTEN WORDS BUT THAT ONE DOESN'T EVEN NEED SHORTENING, IT JUST NEEDS A GODDAMN "S".
"THANK" IS LIKE TYPING "THX" AS "THK" WHICH IS JUST AS COMPLETELY FUCKING STUPID AND UNNECESSARY.

Probably because it's obnoxious

[callbacks]

do you mean the white text dude that like
only talks to rose
and other impressionable school age girls
he talked to you?

[callbacks]

karkat is there something you want to tell us