attn bloodsuckers

[callbacks]

this is dave striders guide to polite dining

one
please and thank you are your friends
your friends are also your friends
bear that in mind when you try to eat them

two
clean up after yourselves
believe me your meal is not gonna just wipe itself off when youre done so have a little civic decency please and byob
bring your own bandaids
the superhero ones work best thats a scientific fact

three
whoevers spreading the rumor that i passed out in gym class yesterday is a dirty fuckin liar and should be ashamed of themselves
that was a completely intentional premeditated nap
falling down was part of the plan
but if anyone could lend me a copy of their english and history notes id appreciate it

Comments

[andagoodsoldier]

not begrudging you your nap time, but i do still owe your for the coffee so just let me know when you want to cash out.

[callbacks]

oh
seriously dont worry about that
or this
a i dont mind running my mouth at an audience that cant up and leave and b im not exactly defenseless
hypothetical vampire snackage is not even close to the worst thing thats ever happened to me
i can deal

[andagoodsoldier]

'hypothetical'? is theeeere someone reading this thread you're trying not to upset?

and don't try to stop me from paying you back, that's rude as fuck.

[callbacks]

from the look of things everyone reading the whole post is already really upset
but alright dude
if you really want to you can buy me coffee sometime
not now though i dont want the school nurse to bust a coronary over my temporarily anemic ass

[andagoodsoldier]

haha yeah looks like the rest of your night is gonna be spent doing damage control, good luck with that.

just so you know i am rolling my god damn eyes here, by the way. here it is explicitly: you did me a favor so i'm more than happy to do you one in return. that can take the form of obscenely caffeinated coffee, rescuing you from vampires, beating up your enemies, whatever.

[callbacks]

thats the sweetest thing anyones ever said to me
its ok though
i havent needed any rescuing since the last time the island depowered me and turned my friend into a slightly psycho kidnapper
and no one i actually dislikes tried to take a chunk out of me in one hell of a long time
ill be fine

[andagoodsoldier]

i hope to hell that isn't actually the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to you.

seriously.

[callbacks]

well i guess shadow villain vriska called me noble once
but i think she meant it as an insult somehow

[andagoodsoldier]

oh my god, no wonder everyone's trying to mother you. i feel like i'm watching that damn sarah mclachlan commercial with all the abused puppies.

that's how everyone feels about you and your stoic one-man blood bank thing, dude.

[callbacks]

actually my alternate universe mom is one of the few people in this post not trying to angercoddle me
but
what
i think i resent that comparison

[andagoodsoldier]

okay so by everyone i actually meant the majority of people who are aware of the fact that you're a walking feed-bag.

don't worry, though, you're in the arms of the angels.

[callbacks]

oh my god no im not a fucking rescue dog
im a conditionally immortal time traveling douchebag with awesome shades and ive got a sword and if i came with a musical theme itd have a way sicker beat

[andagoodsoldier]

too late, i already switched my ringtone.

[andagoodsoldier]

well, your ringtone for my phone.

[callbacks]

i was going to ask if you still need help getting down from the lightpole but now im not interested

[andagoodsoldier]

oh damn how will i get down now

do you know any other anemic middle schoolers who might be interested??

[callbacks]

nope because im the only one with the reluctant hero complex

[andagoodsoldier]

you just worry about regenerating platelets while i worry about badass shit like werewolves and vampires.

btw i left the pole behind twenty minutes ago.

[callbacks]

jesus how long were you up there

[andagoodsoldier]

long ass time.

long ass time. my arms are still kind of crampy.

[callbacks]

next time that happens you can probably call one of the spidermans
they get around

[andagoodsoldier]

i don't want this to come out sounding the wrong way, but i get around, too.

who the fuck is/are spiderman/s?

[callbacks]

superheroes with spider powers
like they shoot web and swing around the city and have spider sense
not sure if the wisecracking is part of the power package or just comes to them naturally
but anyway you can see why theyd be particularly suited to helping people off lightpoles

[andagoodsoldier]

jesus, only if i wanted to get some dude's ass-webbing all over me!

[callbacks]

im no expert on the subject but im pretty sure the webs dont come out of their butts
i mean thatd be pretty hard to get through the spandex