[A much older Carol greets you today, New Moore. Older and rather exasperated.]

I see New Moore is up to it's usual shenanigans. Would it be too much to ask for a little warning?

Alright, New Moore Alliance: Status report. Who's affected by whatever this is and do we need to set up a response or is this the parakeet thing all over again?

So there I was...

With nothing but a bag of flour, some sweet new shoes, and a highly over-inflated ego walking down the streets of Whoville after a particularly enlightening meeting with the town mayor that ended me possessing the deeds of half the town and a black eye from a little girl named Cindy.... For clarification, the black eye was for the mayor. I didn't get a black eye from a little girl. She could hardly reach my face. She's like what? 3'3? I've got three feet and an inch on that thing.

Anyway. So THERE I WAS when all of the sudden a group of leather clad thuggish hooligans of Boston variety -- which is weird because Whoville is in Switzerland -- come strolling on up to me like a pack of hungry wolves, if wolves carried bats with nails driven into them and were significantly less hairy. They wanted to beat me to a bloody pulp and raid my over-sized wallet of all it's contents, which is a thing that happens when you're so gosh darn rich that you just ooze it straight from your pours while being good-looking enough for all of their girlfriends to try and become Missus Stupidly Rich-ler. They start pounding their experienced pounding fists into their hands ready to press them into my freckled complexion until it bleeds all over the pavement.

At this moment, I'm a little scared because they happened to show up at the one point in my entire visit to that town where I wasn't with my security entourage. My entourage being my logically-challenged but reliable in a completely not-reliable-at-all way twin brothers, who usually play the part of bodyguards when they're not being utterly useless to anyone but my mother. They're nowhere to be seen, having been distracted by the impressive Christmas lights and the sultry woman in the short skirt putting them up about four blocks down.

One of them grabs me by the green Italian-silk tie and threatens me with a creative version of a vocabulary similar to that young fellow with the blood on his ceiling a couple of posts down, while one of his comrades presses a knife to my throat. But then, out of nowhere, a small polka-dotted big-wheel comes circling the corner and runs over the feet of the hooligans throwing them off balance. The rider then took off their glittery pony helmet and bashed it into the one holding my tie's ugly mug, making it even uglier. I hit the floor and the big-wheel rider proceeds to execute several martial arts moves on the men that then makes them run for the mountains never to be heard from again. Because they probably got eaten by Yetis.

Shocked and in awe, I get a good look at my rescuer and realize this is that three foot something Lou-Who kid I saw punch a mayor in the face earlier. This girl was the most violent and impressive child I have ever seen. I thank her and she responds by taking a small bill from my wallet and saying the compensation made us "even." Cindy takes the entire wallet and leaves me with the bill.

And that's the story of how I met and I hired the small child who once beat the crap out of the Grinch to be head of security for a trillion dollar company and why children should never be talked down to. They should be feared.

I knew it!!! Ha!

[There's some unintentional shakycam footage - deliberate video, but not deliberate shakycam - of an excited kid, thirteen or fourteen years of age, with one fist clenched in triumph. He's literally vibrating in excitement.]

The videophones are advanced technology, so unless this is a comics-style adventure or something video-game inspired there won't be magic too. It's too early to say if aliens or time travelers are involved, but that's not important. The real question is, why us?

It might just be a random sample, but it could be there's something special, too, and that's why we were taken. Quick, if you're getting this message, tell me everything that's unusual about you. Why would you be important to extraterrestrials?

Of course, if this is just the future it might be that something you haven't done yet is important. And if this is an alternate universe than maybe your cross-dimensional doppleganger is really the important one.

But... this really happened to all of us, right? So there's definitely a chance we can find out!

[Iiiiit's big Dave. And in the background of his apartment, is that--]

So in the absence of an actual overlording alien seabitch to take down, it looks like my part in the Great Earth Turf War's been declassed to arguing with troll kindergartners about Dita Disgusta and how she definitely isn't the hero of Turbo Transformin' Power Soldiers. For the record, "Yeah huh she is!" is not a valid point of debate no matter how many exclamation points you tack to the end.

["Shut up, it totally matters!"

Oh god, is that little Vriska scratching up his furniture in the background? Dave, why.]

Yeah, no. Anyway, as dialogically fulfilling as I find this kind of intellectual back-and-forth, the little larva's looking for her mom. And I'm looking not to brood the Empress's get. Also she ate all the bacon I made for lunch. So if anyone's seen like a giant spider--

["Like, HUUUUUUUUGE!"

Dave has to tilt his head a little to indicate how hard he may be rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses.]

--Okay, a huge giant spider, drop me a line. Name's Dave Strider. Like the movie guy.

...not what I signed up for.

[The audio comes on in the middle of the muttered phrase, but Lin raises her voice so quickly that it could easily be missed.]

All right, people, if you're old enough to remember who your roommate is and haven't been able to find them, odds are they were wandering the city and we were called to pick them up. Officers will be delivering your renegades and making sure everyone is going to be taken care of.

[She sounds tired and edgy, but makes an effort to modulate her tone to something more neutral and soothing. The effect is... questionable. But she is trying.]

If you're lost, sit tight. We're still out looking for people and we'll help you find your way to a good place to rest, and make sure you get some pizza. If you have a phone, you can call us to come get you.

[She recites the number for the police station twice, slowly, so that even little fingers might be able to laboriously write it out. Then her tone firms up, sharpening again.]

For those of you teenagers looking for a part time job, or adults interested in helping, let me know.

[Locked to Koizumi]

Koizumi, report in, if you're able. If you don't answer within three hours I'm looking for you myself.

Ran Mao and I can't be here. We're supposed to be at work.

[ The face that comes in is a noticably younger, scragglier-looking Rudy, looking rather distressed and strung-out. The dark circles under his eyes indicate he doesn't seem to have gotten any sleep and he seems to have been crying for some time. His eyes are mostly looking to the room beyond where he is. ]

Hullo? Mum? Dad? If you're out there... please talk to me. I'm... I'm sorry, all right? I dunno what I did this time, but I'm so sorry. Please talk to me. I don't think I meant it I just... Please come get me. I'm scared and I haven't got my medication. Why would you send me away without me meds, Mum?! [ He sniffs and wipes his eyes. ] I'm scared. Please... I'll go back t'therapy if that's what y'want. I.. I thought I had it under control. I'm sorry!

[ He buries his face in his arm and sobs, the camera begins to shake uncontrollably. ]

'M sorry.. I'm so sorry... Didn't mean t'hurt you....

[ There's a slight hum as the feed turns on. At first, it's not... exactly clear what it is the camera is trying to focus on, but after a moment, it does. What it does focus on is a large glass jar with an enormous, misshapen head inside, apparently being sustained by the machinery hooked up to it.

It doesn't seem to be doing much other than stare out in front of it. But then it speaks. Sort of. Its mouth doesn't move, but the voice comes telepathically. ]

Time...It is cruel, and it is the greatest gift the universe could ever bestow upon its children. It must be treated with care and respect. You would do well to remember this.

If the weather is nice tomorrow, perhaps it would be nice for people to gather on the beach. The children can all play together and give the adults a chance to relax. Everyone can bring their own food and make it a group picnic! I thought I would bring some books down to read stories to the little ones, if they were interested.

It would be a nice break, at any rate.


If anyone should need assistance, particularly running errands while occupied with the children, please don't hesitate to let me know. I'd be happy to help.