It's getting a bit chilly in here and last I check it's still November. Which means...

It's gonna get fucking colder. [And she doesn't sound too pleased about that.] Great, bloody great.

Which do you think is worse? Never waking from your dream, or never being able to dream?

It's come to my attention that not everyone is aware of what a wonderful holiday they get to celebrate next week. I've decided to tell the story!

EHEM...

One version of the story goes that a bunch of people were really unhappy because their king is a jerk and they want to partake in religion but that's apparently a horrible lie because they all listened to the king for years anyway and have a ton of problems not getting silly ideas involved. But that's neither here nor there because all that history stating that stuff is a completely fictional event. THE REAL STORY starts hundreds of years ago when the people of England became incredibly jealous that the king was hogging all the money and not spending it, thus collapsing the market, the entire economy, and now they couldn't partake in buying anything nice.

They left! And started sailing off to... Holland. And picked up the name Pilgrims because of reasons. I'm sure it has some significant meaning but I don't really care to go into that as it really has nothing to do with the story. Anyway, they were even broker in Holland and they were getting annoyed because all their kids were speaking Dutch instead of English, which was making it extremely difficult to understand what they wanted for Christmas. They packed up and decided to move on. They got their two boats, Boat One and Boat Two. Boat Two sank or something and had to turn around. It was now just Boat One.

There's one hundred people on board, sick of being broke and not being able to express their need to shop. It was crowded and generally horrible all the way there and it took months. I was going to put a musical number in here but I was advised not to because it would ruin the flow of the story...

So finally, they arrived at land and everyone was disappointed because they arrived in November when everything was cold and rocky and they were hoping to hit land somewhere around Hawaii. The men headed out to take a look around and all they found was corn and huts on someone elses property and they're like 'Wow, that's kind of weird but also I kind of want those.' They put it on their Christmas list.

And here's a time-skip where they made their little town somewhere. Winter was terrible. They're still poor and can't shop and now a couple of them are dead.

In spring, the Natives came to visit and had some sweet things the Pilgrims wanted like that corn and how to build huts. They started exchanging goods and the Natives taught them the joy of how to get cheap food. Everyone's pretty darn happy all year round because they get to have mutual shopping with the Natives and also now they're not starving.

They decided to celebrate not starving with their Native friends on the anniversary of their arrival and had a really huge feast where everyone gets to eat everything. Traditionally, turkey is served because that's what they had at the time but it's up to whoever is cooking that day really. The point is just to party and indulge in your Seuss given right to eat a ton of food with all your buddies before the main celebration.

The main celebration being what they set out to do. Shop. And that's why right after gorging themselves everyone partakes in a fantastical Friday celebration where they celebrate that they can now afford to buy awesome things. As is tradition, everyone buys a ton of stuff they want and also get a head start on Christmas. Because of how cold it was, everyone shopped indoors. And that's why we have Malls. Fueled with all the food they ate Thursday, their shopping lasts for three whole days.

And that's the story of Black Friday.