The past is a lie. The future is a promise. The present is gift-wrapped in teal and chartreuse, waiting to be opened by ravenous dogs, eager for a meal to satiate their hunger.
Welcome to New Moore.
[Cue brief intro theme.]As one week shifts into the next, New Moore has found its residents married, divorced, and now mysteriously it is without any documentation of the occurance, has continued on into bigger and better things. For example, this vague-yet-menacing-government-agency mandated heatwave. Listeners, is there nothing more glorious than this heat? There is literally nothing in this world that proves we are alive and well than being drenched in life-saving sweat, the elixir of survival and endurance. Why, it's almost like a taste of home, a bit of Night Vale to blanket New Moore in warm compassion and the subsequent heatstroke. Regardless, we should be
thankful for this abundant heat, for many locations in "the real world" do not have access to heat and are a frozen wasteland. Take pleasure in knowing that you are well-kept for, both by the city itself and by the overbearing sun.
However, it is important to expose yourself to said sun wisely. We here at New Moore Community Radio would like to remind everyone to use plenty of sunscreen, replenish bodily fluids, and share the shade trees with our many invisible residents, most of whom have now returned from the past and future. If you bump into an invisible resident, offer to share your water, or perhaps some orange slices, with them, as invisible residents are banned from both the park and grocery stores, and thus have relatively little access water and food.
And now, the news.
Some residents have began to report in about raccoons breaking into their places of work and living. Special city agents have been deployed to see to the problem, but find there is no way to convict or remove any of the furry mammals involved. It seems that these raccoons have no recognizable identifying features, nor do they have fingerprints of any sort. One resident, who asked to keep its name a secret, stated, "It's like... man, it's like they're anonymous. The work of ten of them might just be the work of, like, one. Or the one of them the work of, like, ten. I don't know, man, I don't know. But I don't like it; identities are important, even for animals." Its statement has been disregarded by special city agents, as they believe the hypocrisy of its withheld identity is not something they wish to associate with.
[There's a loud BOOM, followed by the quivering of objects.] I am sorry, listeners, but it looks like the radio station boiler might be overheating. I am going to have to step away from the mic for a while to see if I can't fix it; unfortunately, one of the many perks of being self-employed is that I have no interns nor coworkers to see to the issue. In the meantime, let us go to... the weather.
[The sound cuts out, and instead, there's a song, which plays for several minutes.
Once the music ends, Cecil returns, the noise from earlier is gone.]Thank you for your patience, listeners. All problems have been resolved.
I repeat:
All. Problems. Have been. Resolved.In other news, Pipsee has released an official statement in regards to "horrified complaints about their soda". Pipsee would like to remind all consumers that, "it's completely normal to hear your favorite song if you record yourself 'aah'-ing after drinking one of our products, and then playing the sound backwards. That's the science of vocal chords, and not something average people need to worry about. Stop thinking. Just keep drinking." I don't know about you, listeners, but after what I've seen here in New Moore, I'm hesitant to argue against
science.
I have just been updated in regards to our current heatwave. City officials would like say that the weather
will be cancelled on Tuesday.
And now, a word from our automatic, city-mandated sponsors.
[Another recording plays:]Need a hand? Need two hands? Need two hands holding a fortune cookie with a solution on the inside? Then why not take a trip to Marauding Magic? After all, spells and elixirs are the answer to everything!
Magic-- it's everywhere. Get used to it!
[Cecil returns, just once more.]We're about out of time, gentle listeners. And as such, I would like to extend a bit of an invitation. New Moore Community Radio will now be hosting shout-outs! If you would like to send a hello, congratulations, a warning, and/or a death threat over the air, please be sure to call in with the message, the recipient's name or names, and your name. Your shout-out will be read during the next news report.
Once again, if you happen across any news-worthy events, please do your part as a responsible citizen of New Moore and report them. Unless you are an anonymous raccoon, in which case, please turn yourself in to either the police or to the numerous special city agents patrolling the streets and the halls of the apartment complexes.
Good night, New Moore. Goodnight.
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